Armpit of America

Move over Snooki, there’s a new ghetto Italian bitch in my life. Her name is Teresa Giudice (pronounced Jew-dice), from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” If you’ve never watched that show, you’re missing out. It’s a lot like “Jersey Shore,” only the episodes actually have plots rather than the regular formula of drink, fight, hook up, and repeat. I only started watching Real Housewives a couple of weeks ago, but I wish I’d been there all along. Once you start watching, I’m sure you’ll be just as intrigued as I am by the obvious star of the show, Ms. Giudice.

Just like Snooki, Teresa is quite interesting to look at. While she shares Snooki’s orange skin and big, dark hair, Teresa’s got something that little Snooki doesn’t. Crazy eyes. Seriously. Look at those things:

They’re like two hockey pucks so far apart it seems like they’re trying to escape her face. Indeed, it’s those very eyes that have me so smitten. It’s certainly not the rest of her body – her skin is so orange and wrinkly, she looks much older than she really is. And it’s not her personality. Teresa comes across as a self-centered and ignorant bitch. But there’s something about those eyes. I guess it’s the whole train wreck analogy – they’re so ugly that I can’t look away. And for some reason, she puts so much makeup around her eyes that you can’t help but be drawn to them anyway.

So we’re left staring into those creepy peepers as she goes about her daily routine – making sexual advances to her fat slob of a husband in front of their four kids and gossiping with her two friends, the one who looks and sounds like a man and the one who looks like a pretty cow. (I’m not calling her fat or anything – I just think she has some bovine facial features.)

Teresa is also known for her temper. Though I’ve only seen a couple of episodes this season, a search on Hulu provides some of her best moments (like this one and this one) with former costar Danielle Staub. Unfortunately, Danielle is no longer on the show, so the producers brought on not one, but two new cast members to get Teresa’s crazy eyes a whole lot crazier.

Try to look away. I dare you.

The first is her sister-in-law Melissa. Teresa takes every chance she gets to bitch about her. Though there’s some dumb reason why she doesn’t like her, I think it’s just some bullshit excuse. It’s obvious that Teresa was always the princess of her family and received constant love and attention. Then, her brother marries Melissa, who is younger, smarter, and (much) prettier than her and soon becomes the family’s new princess. Feeling old and ugly, Teresa’s only response is to treat her like shit.

Teresa's sister-in-law and brother, who received his very own set of crazy, wideset eyes.

The other new addition to the cast is Teresa’s cousin, Kathy. She seems pretty normal, and her kids are nice and down to earth. Kathy received the wrath of Teresa for pointing out that she left her youngest daughter unattended during a brawl (that her sleazy husband started) at her nephew’s christening. Feeling inferior as a mother (and with those four bratty daughters of hers, who can blame her?), Teresa has made Kathy her other nemesis.

Now, I always give credit where credit is due. While some people like to brag about their Italian-ness, like the whole cast of Jersey Shore, most are totally clueless about Italian culture and heritage.  Heck, they probably don’t even know the difference between cannelloni and cannellini. Teresa, on the other hand, is fluent in Italian. Her English, however, is rather Palinesque. For example, on one episode, she was talking about the cookbook that she supposedly wrote and kept mentioning how all her recipes only use fresh, simple ingredientses. Yes, she said ingredients-es. Sounds like something Gollum would say, right? But really, would anyone be surprised if we find out that Teresa is actually a deformed hobbit?

They stole my ingredientses! My precious ingredientses!

Well, that’s about all you need to know about the wonderful creature called Teresa Giudice.  If you want to see some more of Teresa, be sure to check out South Park’s “It’s a Jersey Thing” episode. Though much was made of their representation of Snooki, Teresa isn’t treated too kindly either.

And now let’s close things out with a musical tribute to Teresa, courtesy of my good friend, Kim Carnes!

She’ll tease you…

She’ll unease you…

Just to please you…

She’s got Bette Davis pretty crazy eyes!