If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals
Posted by armpitofamerica on July 15, 2012
After my post where I determined what the cast of Jersey Shore would look like in 20 years, I thought I’d have some fun with the Armpit of America’s other favorite trashy reality stars. And while some of the Real Housewives may already seem like beasts (Teresa), I wanted to share the real animals that these bitches remind me of. So here we go.
.
Teresa Guidice: The Toad
That wrinkly, brown skin. The giant wide-set eyes and even wider mouth. The endless loud croaking. A tendency to eat flies, worms and other crawly things. Teresa sure has a lot in common with the common toad.
.
Caroline Manzo: The Rooster
With her spiky red hair, Caroline always reminded me of a rooster. Add in the fact that she likes to strut around like she’s in charge, ruling the roost and clucking condescendingly at everyone in her path, and the resemblance is uncanny.
.
Jacqueline Laurita: The Cow
That Jacqueline Laurita is a such a cow – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. With those big brown eyes, long eyelashes, giant milk jugs, and Hoover-like mouth, I can’t imagine an animal that she better resembles.
.
Melissa Gorga: The Praying Mantis
With her long, skinny body, huge forehead tapering to a pointy chin, and habit of clasping her hands together and thanking Jesus for all he has given her, Melissa really is a human praying mantis.
.
Kathy Wakile: The Owl
As the only somewhat normal housewife, Kathy is often seen in a constant state of wide-eyed surprise at the craziness surrounding her. And with those sharp, giant eyes and brand new streamlined beak, she could totally pass for an owl.
.
Speaking of Kathy, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think her husband looks like – the unwanted result of a one night stand between Qaddafi and Eugene Levy:
