Just a quickie here about my new favorite T-shirt. I picked this baby up at True Jersey Supply Co. here in Belmar, where you can get a whole bunch of Jersey merchandise – even a porkroll-scented candle (which smells as bad as it sounds). Anyway, here it is:
Now, Chris Christie and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on a number of issues. And I know making fun of his weight has gotten old and tired. But strangely, I see this T-shirt as rising above all that political nonsense and the superficial comments on his weight. It simply conveys what a pugnacious tough-ass our governor is. Maybe it’s my inner Jersey trashy side talking, but I kinda respect that about him. And, fat or not, he can indeed kick any other governor’s ass (especially since Jesse Venture is no longer in charge of Minnesota!).
In an ironic twist of fate, this medium shirt proved to be anything but. After I put it on, I looked like an overstuffed sausage, allowing me to further identify with our overstuffed governor.
Last weekend, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. During his speech/standup act, he picked on a bunch of political figures, making the same old tired jokes everyone’s heard before: teasing Obama about his big ears, joking about Bill Clinton’s womanizing, and questioning Joe Biden’s intelligence. And as is required with any political comedy act, he made fun of Chris Christie’s weight.
Even I’ll admit that joking about our governor’s weight is not only getting tired, it can be mean – and Kimmel’s first joke was a tad too much. For those interested, he said something about how inside each governor is a president waiting to get out – in Christie’s case you can still hear him screaming. But after that cheap shot, he said something genius.
He suggested that Christie was confused and thought New Jersey’s nickname was the Olive Garden State. Okay, maybe it’s not the best joke ever, but I think it works on so many levels, beyond just making fun of our governor’s girth. Drive past any of the many strip malls on the many highways in the Armpit of America and you’re bound to see an Olive Garden or three. Aside from that, Olive Garden serves its patrons faux-Italian food, just like the many faux-Italian people calling this state home. And just like olives have a nasty stench, so does this state.
You can check out the whole Chris Christie thing below – starts at about 1:45:
"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"
It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new. So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.
When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things. Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day. The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds. But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.
It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno. The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there. It’s pretty nauseating. But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.
This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it. Notice anything funny about it? Like how the whole thing seems completely staged? That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears? And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.” When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was. It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.
And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!” The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold. Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?” I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old? I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. Read the rest of this entry »
"My first presidential appointee: Paula Deen as White House Executive Chef"
I, for one, would greatly fear a potential Christie presidency. Just think about it. He’d probably reverse all of the progress Michelle Obama has made in her crusade against childhood obesity. And I’m sure he would replace her White House vegetable garden with a hot dog cart. Then again, William Taft would finally receive redemption as he would no longer be the fattest president.
Another concern I have is his how the rest of the world would view this country under the leadership of a “President Christie.” Sounds kinda wimpy doesn’t it? The president of the most powerful nation in the world with such a girlie name? Heck, even “President Hilary” sounds more threatening. Can you imagine what Ahmadinejad and Gaddafi would do to a President Christie? On the other hand, his unfortunate name may lead to a newfound understanding between us and North Korea. I hear Kim Jong Il is pretty sensitive about his feminine name – hence all the nuclear missile threats and stuff.
Still, should he run, I will not be voting for Chris Christie. How about you?
I know I haven’t updated in a while, so this will be a quick and easy update. And what could be easier than making fun of Chris Christie, our double-named, double-stuffed governor?
So let’s take a look at some of the things he’s done lately:
He decided to cancel the building of a new rail tunnel linking New Jersey to Manhattan. This project had been in the works for a long time and had plenty of potential benefits. It would put more trains on the ground, lessoning the burden of the overcrowded trains we have now. With more trains, there would be less people driving, helping with that whole climate change deal. And the new stations and stops and whatnot would draw more people to live in the state. (Yeah, we already have more than enough, but they would all be in North Jersey, so it wouldn’t bother me.)
Now, I know there is a somewhat valid reason for why he canceled the project – it was turning out to cost way more than expected. Still, isn’t that the case with any major undertaking? And wouldn’t the benefits of building that tunnel eventually make up for the extra costs? Whatever. I guess that’s the price to pay for having a fiscally conservative governor. Or so he claims to be fiscally conservative.
A couple months ago, it was discovered that someone in his administration made a tiny clerical error that caused New Jersey to miss out on $400 million in grant money for our education system. Yes. New Jersey lost the opportunity to add not $4 million, not $40 million, but $400 million to help educate our children. So what does Chris Christie do? He blames Obama. It wasn’t until video evidence emerged of someone from the Obama administration pointing out that they were missing a page of the application that Christie admitted responsibility. Though he fired the education commissioner who made the guffaw, many of us were wishing he’d fire himself. Fat chance. Read the rest of this entry »