Armpit of America

A blog about New Jersey, the state we love to hate!

Archive for the ‘Reviews’ Category

Drinking the Jersey Shore

Posted by armpitofamerica on December 18, 2011

It tastes like burning...and Snooki

Due to a certain show on MTV, the Jersey Shore is more popular than ever.  To appease a public hungry for all things Jersey Shore and to capitalize on it, companies are selling anything related to the shore in one way or another.  So, this holiday season, you can buy the guido-wannabes in your life all sorts of Jersey Shore merchandise, like ornaments and perfume.  Just put the words “Jersey Shore” on something, and you’ll have a bunch of idiots willing to by it.

I am one of those idiots.

While at the liquor store the other night looking for something to bring to a Chanukah party, I saw a bumper-sticker-like Jersey Shore label stuck on a bottle of vodka.  Being the fanboy that I am, I snatched it up and brought it to the register without giving a second thought.  After taking it home, I realized that some things are worth deliberating.  Jersey Shore branded vodka is one of those things.

This Jersey Shore vodka has nothing to do with the MTV show of the same name.  It doesn’t really have much to do with the real Jersey Shore either.  Though the perimeter of the label is lined with the names of various party towns on the Jersey Shore, there is one glaring mistake.  Among all the locations known for their bars and crazy nightlife, like Seaside, Pt. Pleasant, Wildwood, and Belmar, appears Spring Lake, a town known for rich old people and little else.  Why Spring Lake would be included on a bottle of vodka is beyond me. Read the rest of this entry »

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Killer Klowns from Outer Space: A Review

Posted by armpitofamerica on October 31, 2011

This Halloweekend, I had the pleasure of watching what is obviously the best movie ever, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  As the name implies, this 1988 film is about a bunch of clown-like aliens who land on Earth and kill everyone in sight.  With a premise like that, what’s not to love?  Anyway, about five minutes into the movie, I knew I’d have to write about it.  But how would such a review fit in on a blog about New Jersey?

As the movie progressed, it hit me.  Killer Klowns from Outer Space may very well take place right here in the Armpit of America.  The evidence?  Well, although the movie is set in the fictional town of Crescent Cove, the characters make reference to neighboring Marlboro, a prominent town in central Jersey.  Also, if clown aliens ever really came to Earth to kill as many people as possible, it only makes sense that they’d land in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the country.  Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time an evil clown has wreaked havoc in New Jersey…

Read the rest of this entry »

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Book Review: Good Night New Jersey

Posted by armpitofamerica on January 25, 2011

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs, rabid racoons, or guidos bite!

When I first heard of the book Good Night New Jersey, I assumed it was a depressing tale of some downtrodden loser aching for his chance to get out of New Jersey and say good night to this state once and for all. After borrowing Good Night New Jersey from my four-month-old niece, I found out that the book is nothing of the sort.

Rather than being some dark story of someone trying to get out, the book celebrates all things New Jersey. It presents a whirlwind tour of the Armpit of America, from morning to night, culminating in the climactic, if rather predictable, “Good Night, New Jersey” ending.

But before that, we say good morning, hello, greetings, good afternoon, and good evening to a variety of attractions throughout the state. The beach, a blueberry farm, Lucy the Elephant, Adventure Aquarium, and Asbury Park (with requisite Springsteen reference) are all visited. The book also pays tribute to the Lakota Wolf Preserve – something I didn’t even know existed.

Good Night New Jersey is a quick, easy, and fun read. The pictures are very colorful and accurately portray the various New Jersey attractions. I think the book is a great vehicle for New Jersey’s youngest residents to take pride in their state. And it can be used to teach those mini haters from other states just how good New Jersey really is. Read the rest of this entry »

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Snooki’s Book Doesn’t Suck

Posted by armpitofamerica on January 12, 2011

I actually enjoyed it. Really.

I recently read Snooki’s writing debut, A Shore Thing. And it was a lot better than I ever would have imagined. Snooki[’s ghostwriter] did a wonderful job of capturing the essence (beer and sweat) of a summer at the Jersey Shore.

The novel revolves around Gia, a short, slutty guidette (can you guess who she is modeled after?) and her cousin Bella. Bella seems to be a combo of Snooki’s Jersey Shore castmates J-WOWW and Sammi. She has implants, wears skimpy shirts, and knows how to fight (a la J-WOWW) yet is pretty naïve and has bad taste in men (like Sammi).

Snooki[’s ghostwriter] does a decent job at telling the story of the cousins who leave their home in Brooklyn to spend a month at the Jersey Shore – Seaside Heights to be exact. We see all of their troubles and triumphs, from searching for summer jobs to hunting for “Italian gorilla juiceheads” to hook up with. Regarding jobs, Gia secures employment at a tanning salon, and for some reason, upon being hired, gives the arm of the couch in the waiting room a lap dance. Seriously. Meanwhile, Bella gets hired at a gym to lead dance classes. Read the rest of this entry »

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Pee-wee Herman is Amazing…Infinity!

Posted by armpitofamerica on November 12, 2010

That's his name, don't wear it out!

I recently had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Paul Reubens revive his long-gone but never forgotten character of Pee-wee Herman in his new Broadway show. It was spectacular. And although Pee-wee asserted throughout the show that he’s the luckiest boy in the world, I disagree. After seeing Pee-wee Herman live, I think that I’m the luckiest boy in the world.

So what’s the reason for all of this gushing? Well Pee-wee Herman, and his TV show Pee-wee’s Playhouse, was a huge part of my childhood. I learned more from Pee-wee than I ever did from my parents, teachers, and friends. I can fondly remember taking a cue from Pee-wee and putting scotch tape around my nose and ears. I remember starting and giving up on countless foil and rubberband balls. I remember stuffing both feet into one sock and hopping around like Roger, Pee-wee’s one legged, one-eyed alien neighbor. I remember putting pennies over my eyelids and pretending I was Penny of claymation fame. The point is, Pee-wee’s Playhouse was the highlight of my childhood.

So when I heard that Pee-wee was coming to Broadway, I knew I had to go. Now I hate going to New York City. The noise, the smell, the people, the smelly people – I can’t stand any of it. But the chance to see Pee-wee was enough to lure me away from the comfort of the Armpit America, pay the ridiculously expensive New Jersey Transit train fair, jump on an overcrowded and outdated train, and ride through a dark tunnel underneath the Hudson River.

After surviving the treacherous journey to Manhattan, we walked through Times Square (ughhh) to the Steven Sondheim Theater. After getting our seats and looking through the Playbill, I was thrilled to see that Lynne Marie Stewart was reprising her role as the effervescent Miss Yvonne. I was also pleased that John Paragon was back playing Jambi. Unfortunately, Lawrence Fishburne didn’t return to play Cowboy Curtis. Read the rest of this entry »

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