Posted by armpitofamerica on May 7, 2010
It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these State vs. State entries. For this one, I’m comparing New Jersey to the great mediocre state of Idaho! Though I had originally intended to start out with those states closest to the Armpit of America, I realized that strategy would leave me with a whole bunch of big, blocky, boring states out west. To prevent this from happening, I figured I might as well get a head start. So I decided to go with the most boring of all.
"Esto Perpetua" - Latin for "This state sucks!"
Let’s start by discussing Idaho’s most famous, if not only, export. The potato. Everyone seems to make a big deal about Idaho potatoes, but are they really that much better than potatoes grown anywhere else? I highly doubt it. Besides, who would even be able to tell anyway? I mean, no one eats a potato straight up. We fry them, mash them, cover them with butter, sour cream, cheese, and bacon. It doesn’t matter where a potato is grown; they just serve as a base for salt and grease.
New Jersey’s produce, on the other hand, is something special; we aren’t called the Garden State for nothing. Though people may mock the fact that such a disgusting state has a nickname like that, it is well deserved. New Jersey’s corn and tomatoes are legendary. And they can be eaten on their own, unlike those overrated and worthless Idaho potatoes. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in State vs. State | Tagged: celebrities, Idaho, New Jersey, politics, potatoes | 4 Comments »
Posted by armpitofamerica on February 9, 2010
After proving beyond any doubt how New Jersey is so much better than Delaware, I have my sights set on the Armpit of America’s western neighbor. While comparing Delaware to New Jersey was obviously pretty easy, proving that my state is better than Pennsylvania may be a little trickier. But let’s give it a try.
When one hears the word “Pennsylvania,” there are a few images that come to mind: the green patchwork of farmland, the quaint little towns, and the beautiful mountains and valleys. Well, newsflash: New Jersey has all these things too. Big deal, right? Well New Jersey is like one quarter the size of Pennsylvania, so all of our farmland, quaint towns, and mountains are all within an hour or so drive of each other. Compare that with the over 5 hours it takes to drive from one end of Pennsylvania to the other.
Which brings me to the next point. Just look at the two states on a map. New Jersey is shaped like a voluptuous woman, drawing you in like a siren. On top of that, the girlish figure of our state is all natural, for the most part. Aside from the northeastern border with New York, New Jersey’s boundaries are all formed by water. And how is Pennsylvania shaped? Like a boring rectangle with a misplaced wedge on top. What other state has a stupid wedge on top?? Only Pennsylvania.
They obviously didn't have enough room for Pennsylvania's official slogan: "Virtue, Liberty, Independence, and Stupid Wedges"
The story behind that odd wedge is yet another reason to make fun of the state. Originally, that sliver of land belonged to New York. Since it stretched all the way to Ohio, poor Pennsylvania didn’t have access to Lake Erie. So the crybaby people of that state did what they still do best: whine until they get their way. So they finally got their connection to the Great Lakes, but at the cost of having a misshapen wedge at the top of the state. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in State vs. State | Tagged: Amish, boardwalk, Food, Pennsylvania, politics | 1 Comment »
Posted by armpitofamerica on December 16, 2009
I’m unveiling a new feature on the Armpit of America today: State vs. State. In these entries, I’ll be comparing New Jersey to another state in our great country to show you why New Jersey is better. While it may be difficult to convince you that New Jersey is better than some states, like Hawaii (which isn’t a real state anyway), others will be a lot easier, like Mississippi (who the hell would want to live there?).
For my first State vs. State entry, I’ll be comparing New Jersey to our frenemy to the south, Delaware.
I know some of you are already asking, “Dela-where?” This is completely understandable. For those unfamiliar, Delaware is a sliver of a state bordered on the north by Pennsylvania, the west and south by Maryland, and the east by Delaware Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. As a matter of fact, in 1787, Delaware became the first state to join the union, a fact that its residents can’t stop bragging about. Maybe if something – anything – interesting had happened in Delaware over the last 200 years, they would have something else to brag about.
In case you didn't know, DELAWARE WAS THE FIRST STATE!!!!
Say what you will about New Jersey, at least the state has an identity (albeit, the Armpit of America). Sure, people cringe when you tell them you’re from New Jersey. But I think it’s better for someone or something to have a bad reputation than no reputation at all. A common joke anyone from New Jersey is bound to hear when asked where they are from is, “You’re from New Jersey? Which exit?” Though playing on the assumption that the state is nothing but highway, at least this is a great conversation starter. When people hear that someone is from Delaware, that usually kills the conversation. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in State vs. State | Tagged: cigarettes, Delaware, New Jersey, State vs. State, tax | 15 Comments »