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So there were actually two episodes last night. But since it takes me approximately 14 hours to write each review, you’re only getting one for now. Come back soon for Episode 8!

The first very special episode of “Jersey Shore” picks up where the last one ended – Ronnie and Sammi having one of their boring fights.

She is still upset that he pushed her. Uh, grow up! It was just a little tap, and he only did it because your mouth was getting him into a fight. But all the crap going on with Ronnie isn’t enough for Sammi. She then talks to Mike and Pauly about Snooki’s comment that everyone is pissed at the couple for not hanging out. And then it explodes into this whole thing with Sammi screaming at Snookie.

I actually feel bad for Snooki Snook here. Understanding that they only had a limited amount of time together, she just wants every to hang out. Instead, everyone’s picking on HER for starting shit. Although she isn’t present during all of this, Snooki says that J-WOWW feels the same way. And how does Sammi respond to this? Snooki and J-WOWW are clearly jealous of her and Ronnie. Sammi then tells us how she can’t trust anyone anymore. Just because Snooki and J-WOWW wanted to hang out with her a little more. Make sense?

"Oh yeah? Well you're just jealous that I'm in a semi-abusive relationship with a somewhat unstable roid head!"

Later that night, the group is at some club, where Snooki meets her latest crush. He’s a pale, Irish farmer, even though she usually goes for guidos. But they hit it off and go home together. Meanwhile, Mike is grinding with some girl, who he says can “drop it like it’s hot.” Wow, I haven’t heard that since 2005, which is probably the last time anyone thought Mike was cool.

As for Vinny, he was still hanging out with the boss’s woman. He takes her back to the house, where they are laying on a hammock together. As they are doing this, Mike and his girl of the night go in the hot tub together and start getting it on. Vinny and his girl are just kinda sitting there giggling about the whole thing. Then Snooki and her guy come up to the roof, and Mike promptly tries to bring his girl downstairs, but she falls on the way. Which was hilarious.

So Mike has finally gotten some action, meaning he’s going to be even more of a pompous asshole. Sadly, Snooki didn’t get lucky with her new guy, though she doesn’t know why. Either way, she isn’t concerned about getting STDs. She explains, “He’s a nice guy, so he’s gotta be clean!” Pumpkins were never known to be the smartest of vegetables.

The next morning, this girl comes to the house and obnoxiously knocks on the door. She’s looking for Paula, the girl Mike got with, since she is Paula’s boss or something. She is REALLY pissed that Paula didn’t show up for work. So, as the rest of the roommates are dealing with the situation, where is the real situation? He’s in the bathroom, letting other people take care of the problem, like he always does.

A little later, Mike is trying to start shit with Vinny for no reason. Vinny amusingly tells him, “I’m not gonna be like you when I’m 27!” This Mike’s make feel old and insignificant, so Vinny is now my favorite person on the show. When they all go out that night, J-WOWW is wearing that yellow rag she wore in the first episode. And Snooki is slutting it up by dancing on a table.

Putting the WOW in J-WOWW

Meanwhile, Sammi is looking all over Ronnie, because the clingy bitch gets separation anxiety whenever they are apart for two minutes. Mike tells her that Ronnie is off talking to some girl, which he totally is. Ronnie then lies to her and says he wasn’t talking to anyone. He tells her that Mike was just trying to start shirt between them. And she forgives him and the world’s most boring love roller coaster is back in service!

Enough about them, let’s see how the other guys are doing. Pauly is talking to an Israeli girl who is trying to convince him to move to Israel and eat kosher food. Vinny is busy juggling two girls – that older woman and Mike’s sister, whom he is flirting with just to piss off Mike.

Mike is pretty upset that Vinny is treating his sister like that. And he says Vinny should know better, since he knows that Mike is the man of the house. Yes, he starts with this nonsense again. What exactly qualifies him to be man of the house? He’s not the oldest guy – Pauly is. He’s not getting the most action – that’s Ronnie. He’s certainly not the most mature – Vinny’s got him beat there. Besides, I think everyone agrees that J-WOWW is the closest thing to being man of the house.

Anyway, once Pauly’s Israeli friend tells him she’s saving herself for marriage, he gets rid of her faster than you can say “Manischewitz.” And then we get back to the love triangle of Mike, Sammi, and Ronnie. Sammi is still carrying on about the possibility that Ronnie was talking to some other girl. They put Mike on the spot, and, since he is obviously intimidated by Ronnie, he tells Sammi that he’s not sure if he saw him talking to another girl or not. As soon as Ronnie leave the room, Mike the pussy tells Sammi that he really did see him with another girl. Am I the only one getting tired of this boring drama?

At least things get a little exciting as the group heads to Atlantic City. Mike tells us that he hopes everyone has fun and that there isn’t any drama. Right. You know girlfriend packed like three Coach bags full of drama!

"Uh, try Louis Vuitton...and there's four of them, not three"

The group enters their HUGE suite at the Tropicana. Things get boring pretty quickly – everyone except Snooki is taking a nap. To occupy herself, Snooks fills up their suite’s Jacuzzi with a mountain of bubbles. While seeing a girl writhe around all sexily in a bubble bath is normally a turn-on, that’s simply not the case when said girl is a chubby, borderline-midget pumpkin.

After everyone wakes up, they group gets ready to go to dinner. Mike changes his clothes no less than four times until settling on an outfit. He tells them he just has to make sure he looks good. Ronnie explains that the guy’s got some serious insecurity issues. If someone who takes steroids until he resembles the Incredible Hulk is calling someone else insecure, it must be bad.

Anyway, let’s try to tackle the root of Mike’s insecurities. Vote for whatever you think his biggest problem is!

So we are now at dinner, and Mike’s perfectly manicured claws are out in full force. He begins by calling Vinny a mama’s boy and asks if she laid his clothes out for him. His next target is Ronnie, who he makes fun of for having a unibrow, as he brags about his waxed brows. Mike then threatens everyone by saying he has ammo on them all. Except Pauly, who is coincidentally the only member of the Mike fan club.

When he starts picking on little Snooki, she tells him off. “Shut the fuck up! No one in the house likes you!” This seemed to put him in his place for the time being. Though, when Snooki asks someone to pass her a roll, Mike says, “Why? You already got a couple.” Wow. What kind of guy makes fun of a girl’s weight right to her face? He should be a real man like me and make fun of her on his blog.

So Snooki runs into the bathroom crying, as J-WOWW goes after her. J-WOWW comforts her by saying that Mike is the biggest douchebag she ever met. And I have a feeling J-WOWW has met a lot of douchebags. Anyway, we learn that Snooki used to have an eating disorder, which she just got over a year ago. With Mike’s comment, she might be off the wagon again. So Mike gives the most insincere apology ever, and says that Snooki will forget about everything by the time they get to the club.

Once they are at the club, Vinny finds a girl and they spend the night making out. As soon as he leaves to go to the bathroom, Mike creeps in and starts making out with that same girl and can’t stop bragging about his “robbery.” Making out with a completely wasted girl who just had her tongue down another guy’s throat is something to be proud of?

"If I can't make out with Vinny, this is the next best thing."

As usual, Ronnie and Sammi leave the club early. Ronnie explains that it’s 4:00 and they’ve been there since 12:00, so FIVE hours at a club is too much for him. And I thought he was one of the smarter ones. Whether it’s been four hours or five hours, it soon gets to be too much for J-WOWW, who had a lot to drink. She goes to the bathroom to throw up, and we get to hear every chunk dripping into the toilet.

Since everyone else already left, J-WOWW asks Mike to take her back to the room. But he is still with the girl that was with Vinny first, and he has no intention of leaving. J-WOWW is literally begging him to walk her back to the room , but he pretty much tells her to go screw herself. Being drunk and frustrated, she lightly smacks him upside the head. Being the little bitch that he is, he has the bouncers throw her out. She manages to get back to the room, where she tells everyone what happened. She then vows to punch him in his face.

The next morning Vinny is teasing Mike about getting sloppy seconds and asks him how he tastes. Mike still contends that he is so awesome for stealing her away, but clearly Vinny doesn’t care. Now it is J-WOWW’s turn to confront him. She walks up and starts punching him. Vinny tries to hold her back, but she still manages to throw a backhanded punch that lands right on Mike’s nose. It really was beautiful.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

For some reason, there are three security guards on hand in their suite who then constrain her. Once the security guys have her under control, Mike starts talking smack to her. Obviously, he knows she could fuck him up.

After an episode like this, what do Mike’s family and friends think of him? How could anyone respect this 27 year old who acts like he’s 17 but looks like he’s 47? Thankfully, we only have to deal with him for two more episodes…until next season that is.

This entry was posted on January 16, 2010 at 12:46 am and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: Atlantic City, drunk, guidas, guidettes, guidos, Jersey Shore, MTV, reality shows