“Jersey Shore” Episode 3 Recap: Snooking for Love in All the Wrong Places

This episode begins where the last when left off; Angelina is being the most annoying drunk person ever. She’s crying in front of Mike and Pauly and just making an idiot of herself. All the commotion wakes up J-WOWW, who looks like she’s ready to eff a bitch up. Fortunately for Angelina, J-WOWW takes pity because she’s so drunk.

That morning, Vinnie, Ronnie, and J-WOWW head over to the gelato shop for their first day of work. J-WOWW complains that the shirt they have to wear is too tight and that her boobs are suffocating. She then struggles to simply scoop the ice cream into a cone. In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, though, J-WOWW has no trouble giving a customer a milkshake.

Later on, Vinnie complains how he hasn’t gotten a good haircut since getting to Miami. Um, hello? It’s only been like 3 days, right? Anyway, he and Ronnie decide to go to a ghetto barber shop. As they walk through the hood, a part of me hopes they get mugged. But no such luck. They get their haircuts and rave about how good the ghetto barbers are. Meanwhile, they both look exactly the same.

Still looks like a douche...

Now it’s the time that we’ve all been waiting for. Sammi gives us the update about her and Ronnie! She explains that things are really good right now and he’s being so nice and understanding. Yeah, you just keep thinking that, Tanny Bug Eyes. We all know you’re just gonna be crying about him in a few minutes. Well, everyone knows except for you.

Ten minutes into the episode, we get our first glimpse of Ms. Snooki. Don’t the producers know that she’s the only reason people watch this show? Seriously, cut out all the dumb scenes of the Sammi/Ronnie drama and Angelina being grumpy and just show more Snooki. Everything she does is adorable. By the way, did you all catch her new makeover?

Okay that was an unfair insult to an innocent pelican. I take it back.

In a surprisingly mature moment, Mike gathers all the roommates together to talk about the situation with Angelina. He doesn’t want the situation to get out of hand, so he tries to make the situation better. He explains how in this situation, the girls should just try to hang out with her so the situation is a little less awkward for everyone.

But enough about that, it’s time for our favorite guidos to do the only thing they’re good at – getting ready to go out. Snooki is dressed up in leopard print and has her poof especially high. She pretty much looks like an orange, miniature version of Peggy Bundy. Luckily for Snooki, Vinny just happens to have a fetish for orange, miniature versions of Peggy Bundy. He tells her good she looks, and Snooki acts like this is the first time anyone ever gave her a compliment. Sad, but probably true.

Judge for yourself...

As for J-WOWW, I guess the gelato scooping job doesn’t pay well, since she’s wearing a garbage bag for a shirt.

Putting the trash in trash bag

At the club, Angelina is sitting by herself acting all grumpy. In other words, just a typical day for her. Snooki feels bad and pulls her aside. She tells Angie that if she just admits that she talked shit about them, they’ll forgive her. So Angelina apologizes to Snooki and J-WOWW. And now, magically, they’re all BFFs. I don’t get it.

We’re only 15 minutes into the episode, and Sammi is already bitching about Ronnie being too drunk. He seems to be having fun, but she’s all pissed off and doesn’t wanna dance. Come on Tanny, you’re young, a lot some guys think you’re beautiful, you’re getting paid to live in a mansion, and you have a great boyfriend. Why so upset? Anyway, she threatens to go home. Ronnie doesn’t care and actually calls her a “fucking bitch.” And how does Sammi respond? “At that moment it felt like the end of Sam and Ron.” While I hope this is true, something tells me they’ll get back together in about 12 minutes.

So Sammi drags J-WOWW and Angelina back home with her, while Snooki Snook stays at the club. She sees Ronnie dancing with all these other girls and confronts him about it. So how does this meathead respond? The only way he knows how to deal with women who disagree with him, by pushing her. With that, they leave. When Ronnie gets home, he goes back to Sammi’s bed and asks if they can smush.

Meanwhile, Vinny is lying on the bean bag chair next to the phone. Snooki then lays next to him and picks up the phone to call her boyfriend. As she’s talking to him, she’s constantly groping Vinny. After telling her boyfriend she loves him, Snooki than invites herself into Vinny’s bed and asks, “Wanna fuck?” While this may sound disgusting, Snooki was absolutely precious, since she was adorably hiccuping throughout the whole scene. The next morning, Vinny’s not sure what happened. Though he may deny it, I think the following picture is proof enough that he got it on with the Snooks:

Vinny with a trophy of his conquest

Later that day, Ronnie and Sammi are at work. Sammi is too dumb to understand the concept of scooping gelato. But since she doesn’t realize she’s caught in a bad romance with a two-timing gorilla juicehead, we shouldn’t be too surprised. Anyway, Ronnie tells us, “Sometimes I wanna be single, but then I think about all the good times we’ve had.” Like all the times he abused her and cursed her off? Time for a survey:

That night, the guys act like they’re geniuses for figuring out that the first initials of Mike, Vinnie, and Pauly spell out MVP. This seems to entertain them for a lot longer than it should. Imagine the fun they’ll have when they discover what you get when you take the first letters of Angelina, Sammi, and Snooki. Anyway, Mike explains how the guys are going to Bed (the name of the club) for the MVP special. I bet that’s not the first time Mike’s gone to bed with a bunch of guys. Zing.

Apparently, the club is full of grenades and landmines. Like a bunch of 12-year-olds, this is what the guys call fat and/or ugly chicks. I think “gorilla juicehead” would be a more insulting thing to call a girl, but that’s apparently a compliment to this group. They end up bringing the grenades home and hang out in the hot tub. They soon find a rubber boob enhancer (or whatever you call those things flat girls use to make themselves look bigger) floating in the hot tub. The guys toss it around while the girl who lost it looks totally embarrassed and ashamed.

The next day, we see Snooki at her first day of work. The poor thing is too short to look over the counter, and she can’t even reach the gelato to scoop it out. So Enzo, the owner of the shop, gives her a stool to stand on. Still, just like the other girls, our little pumpkin is having trouble scooping the gelato. Things are going pretty slow that day, so Mike figures he can attract customers by standing outside with his shirt off. It doesn’t work and Snooki rightfully calls him out on it. The day ends with Snooki humping a dog statue.

I couldn't think of a fitting caption. If anyone has any ideas, leave it in a comment below. The winning caption may or may not get a prize! (but probably not)

Time to check back in with Sammi and Ronnie. Lying in bed, they decide they’re gonna spend the night at the house. Snooki then enters and tells them that she and J-WOWW are going out for dinner. Ronnie tries to convince Sammi to go out with the girls so he can go out with the guys instead of staying in. She then explains how this was all a test and acts like she’s so smart. Um, hello? You are a victim. You do not have the upper hand here and never will. Whatever.

The episode ends with Snooki and J-WOWW at a tapas bar. I’m pretty sure this was by accident. They probably thought it was a topless bar.  You know how our pumpkin queen loves showing off her gourds.

Anyway, J-WOWW and Snooki decide that they need to tell Sammi about what Ronnie’s doing behind her back.  Sammi will find out in this week’s episode, but something tells me she’ll freak out and cry but then forgive him an hour later.

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