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This Halloweekend, I had the pleasure of watching what is obviously the best movie ever, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  As the name implies, this 1988 film is about a bunch of clown-like aliens who land on Earth and kill everyone in sight.  With a premise like that, what’s not to love?  Anyway, about five minutes into the movie, I knew I’d have to write about it.  But how would such a review fit in on a blog about New Jersey?

As the movie progressed, it hit me.  Killer Klowns from Outer Space may very well take place right here in the Armpit of America.  The evidence?  Well, although the movie is set in the fictional town of Crescent Cove, the characters make reference to neighboring Marlboro, a prominent town in central Jersey.  Also, if clown aliens ever really came to Earth to kill as many people as possible, it only makes sense that they’d land in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the country.  Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time an evil clown has wreaked havoc in New Jersey…

Now that I’ve justified my stance, let’s jump right in.  Like many a B-movie, this one starts out with a bunch of horny teenagers hanging out at the local make-out point.  It’s here that we meet our protagonists, Mike and Debbie.  While coming up for air, the two lovebirds see what they think is a shooting star fly across the sky.  They make the fateful decision to walk into the woods to see where their shooting star has landed.  Before long, they encounter a creepy circus tent in the middle of the forest.  Upon entering, they discover that it’s no circus tent at all.  It’s an alien spaceship, full of dead bodies being held in cocoons of cotton candy.  Again, what’s not to love about such a movie?

Before they can explore any more of the spaceship, one of the clown-aliens discovers Mike and Debbie and chases them around while shooting them with seemingly harmless popcorn.  Narrowly escaping, those crazy kids hurry to the police station, where they try to convince a skeptical cop about what they just saw.  Complicating things is the fact that Debbie and Mr. Cop used to hook up.  Awkward!

As this drama goes on, we see a montage of the killer clowns going around and charming the townspeople with adorable circus tricks to lull them into a false sense of security.  That seemingly innocent puppet show turns out to be a deadly puppet show.  What looks like delicious pies being thrown into some guy’s face turn out to be skin-melting, acid-laced pies.  And the cute dummy that one clown uses in his ventriloquist act turns out to be a dead corpse!  And what about that popcorn the clowns shoot at everyone?  Turns out that it’s really evil popcorn, with each kernel hatching into a baby killer clown!

Pictured above: A horrible beast with ridiculous hair, and an evil baby clown.

And what are our protagonists up to?  Well, Debbie has gone back home to take what must be the longest shower sequence in movie history.  Meanwhile, Mike keeps trying to convince Mr. Cop about the clowns.  Mr. Cop doesn’t believe him until they drive up to make-out point and he opens an abandoned car to find it covered in some sticky substance.  While that might not be out of the ordinary at make-out point, the substance is actually pink cotton candy.

When he gets cornered by a clown, Mr. Cop tries shooting at it but with no luck.  Finally, he aims right for the clown’s big, red nose.  Sure enough, that does the trick – but not before Debbie is kidnapped from her bathroom and placed inside a giant rubber ball!  It’s never explained why the trigger happy clowns who kill everyone else chose to keep her alive.  Then again, she wouldn’t be much a protagonist if she were killed right away.

Mike and Mr. Cop sneak onto the clown’s spaceship to rescue Debbie.  Upon entering the room where all of the corpse-containing cotton candy cocoons are kept, they discover the reason the clowns are killing everyone.  One of the evil clowns walks up to a cocoon, sticks a crazy straw inside, and sucks up the blood.

What dead bodies? This is just a giant furry pink lightbulb factory!

In the final scene, Mr. Cop shoots as many clowns as possible.  But before he can finish the killing spree, Jo Jo, the clown’s gargantuan leader, emerges and grabs Mr. Cop and is about to put him in his mouth.  Though Mr. Cop aims for Jo Jo’s nose, he’s out of bullets!  Thinking on his feet, though, Mr. Cop takes off his badge and uses the pin to prick Jo Jo in the nose.  With Debbie free from her rubber prison, the three of them escape from the ship, just as it takes off to go back to whatever planet the clowns came from.

Now that I’ve explained it, do you understand how this is the best movie ever?  And all I’ve given you is the dumb plot.  Words can’t express how creepy the clowns really are…especially their voices, which sound like baby gibberish run through a synthesizer.  However, the clowns aren’t the only scary things about this movie.  There’s the horrible acting, bad dialogue, and, of course, Debbie’s big 80s hair.  If you haven’t seen Killer Klowns from Outer Space yet, I strongly encourage you to do so.  It really is the best movie to possibly take place in the Armpit of America.

The cast of "Jersey Shore" wishes everyone in New Jersey a Happy Halloween!

This entry was posted on October 31, 2011 at 5:21 pm and is filed under Reviews. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: Chris Christie, clowns, Halloween, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, movies, New Jersey