Some New Jersey “Nursery Rhymes”

Posted September 24, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: NJ Personalities, politics

Tags: , , , , , ,

New Jersey is home to so many heroes and villains, myths and monsters, making it the perfect inspiration for nursery rhymes! Here are my attempts to memorialize the Armpit of America in nursery rhyme form.

Please note: I don’t recommend actually reading these to kids, especially that last one…

 

A Man Named Christie

There once was a man named Christie
Who ruled his state with an iron fist-y
His temper would erupt
And his actions, corrupt
But deep down, he was just a big sissy.

 

Always Second Best

This is the story of a boy named Jon
Last name, Jovi – his middle name, Bon
He left his small New Jersey town
Trying to become the best singer around

So he put together a band and grew his hair real big
And soon he was getting gig after gig
He wanted to be the biggest star from his state
Anything less than that, he would hate

Little Jon made the charts with many a song
About working class heroes and girls who done him wrong
But there was someone who did this all much better
From his shadow, Jon couldn’t get unfettered

Against this man, he counted many a loss
How could he ever win against a guy called The Boss?
Try as he might, his songs were never as good
And he started to wonder if give up music he should

But his career is nothing to laugh at or reason to be sad
Anyone with his success should certainly be glad
And as he stood there on stage in his black leather vest,
Jon thought to himself, “Maybe it’s not so bad, to be second best”

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Top 5 Pokemon You’d Find in New Jersey

Posted August 31, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Top 5

Tags: , , ,

It’s pretty amazing how Pokemon Go continues to take the world by storm. What’s even more amazing is that the Pokemon franchise is still around. What started as a game for the primitive Game Boy console 20 years ago has spawned a TV show, movies and a media empire that still excites everyone. Not even the other video game veterans like our favorite Italian plumber, a boomerang-throwing elf, a blue hedgehog or a barrel-tossing gorilla can boast the level of popularity that Pokemon continually enjoys.

But as the franchise evolved, its creators expanded the list of Pokemon from the original beloved set of 150 weird little monsters to now more than 700. And you can tell they’re running out of ideas, with newer-generation Pokemon like Chandelure – an anthropomorphic light fixture, or Vanillite – a smiling ice cream cone. Even in a world where children roam around unsupervised hunting animals, imprisoning them in little balls, and making them fight against each other, Chandelure and Vanillite force you to stretch your imagination a little too far.

Anyway, this is supposed to be a blog about New Jersey. So what the hell does Pokemon have to do with the Armpit of America? Not much, to be honest. However, I thought it would be fun to make a list of the Pokemon most likely to inhabit our favorite state. And don’t worry – they’re all from the first generation Pokedex.

1. Caterpie010Caterpie

This cute little guy is the Pokemon world’s version of a caterpillar. His real-world brethren aren’t nearly as adorable. Drive down the Parkway in the summer and you’ll notice many of the trees covered in caterpillar nests. Although Caterpie will eventually evolve into the equally adorable Butterfree, the New Jersey versions just become ugly moths.

600px-067Machoke.png

 

 2. Machoke

These things look like body builders with lizard heads, and certainly wouldn’t be out of place at the Jersey Shore. Machoke is the Pokemon version of the guido if you will, complete with spiky hair, arm tattoos, and the need to compensate for a clear lack of a bulge in the crotch area.

 

109Koffing

3. Koffing

Koffing is like a floating ball that farts out toxic gases – just like the many factories throughout the state polluting our sky and water.

 

 

088Grimer

 

 

4. Grimer

According to this source, Grimer is “a slimy, amorphous blob-like Pokémon, made of living purple sludge. Its body contains a variety of pungent bacteria…” So pretty much a poisonous slimeball – New Jersey has more than it’s fair share of those (e.g., any of the husbands from Real Housewives of New Jersey).

 

143Snorlax

5. Snorlax

The largest of all Pokemon, you are most likely to see a Snorlax sitting on his throne in the governor’s mansion in Trenton, or on the campaign trail trying to get another poisonous slimeball elected president (no offense to Grimer).

My Favorite New Jersey Strip Mall

Posted August 21, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Best of NJ, Random

One of the cliches about New Jersey people like to throw around is that the state is nothing but highways and strip malls. It certainly would be hard to argue with that – the Armpit of America is home to more than its fair share of both. But there is one strip mall in particular that stands above the rest – hell, I’d even say it’s magical.

I’m talking about the Strathmore Shopping Center, also known as the Aberdeen Townsquare Shopping Center, located off of Route 34 in Aberdeen. And I’m not playing favorites just because I grew up in that town – I have yet to see any strip mall anywhere that can match what this place can offer. What also makes it special is how The Strathmore Shopping Center (or just “the stores” as well called it in my youth) meant different things to me at different parts of my life. From running errands with my parents as a little kid, to gaining the freedom to ride my bike there when I got older, to hanging out there as a teen, to stopping there today pretty much whenever I’m in town, this seemingly generic strip mall has been a constant throughout my life.

Strathmore

The Strathmore Shopping Center: clearly what Belinda Carlisle had in mind when singing about Heaven being a place on Earth.

What’s also amazing it how so many of the stores from my childhood are still there: the local bowling alley, the bagel shop, the candy store. Sure, there are some places that didn’t make it, like the kosher deli cleverly named Chubby Bubbe’s, the mom and pop video store that was run out of business when Blockbuster moved in across the street (which got its comeuppance 20 years later), or the shoe store for people with wide feet (unfortunate, since I now realize that I have wide feet). But for every store that closes down, a new one takes its place. Read the rest of this post »

How I Spent My Childhood Summers in New Jersey

Posted July 25, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Random

Tags: , , ,

Summers are often a magical time, where you take a break from the pressures and schedules of school and just get to be lazy for a couple months. Unless of course your parents made you go to day camp, in which case you still had to catch the bus, take on a full schedule of activities and deal with the drama and struggle of fitting in, just like at school. Such was the case with my childhood summers in the Armpit of America, where I would count down the days for school to end, only to start camp soon after (and then count down the days until camp was over).

Though this may seem like a vicious cycle of misery, camp was never that bad….much like Ronnie and Sammi from “Jersey Shore” (speaking of which, I toured the infamous house, in case you missed it), I just had a complicated love/hate relationship with camp, as described below.

pine.grove.day.campI went to three different day camps during my childhood, but it was only the third that had a significant impact on my life. That camp was Pine Grove Day Camp, located in Wall Township. It was run by a guy who looked like a cute old Jewish man like Mel Brooks but who managed a children’s day camp like a concentration camp. Seriously, the guy could make you wet your pants with one harsh look. But still, he knew what he was doing. Aside from sunburn and mosquito bites and all the times I wished I didn’t have to go each summer, that camp gave me a lifetime of memories from eight summers.

Pine Grove touted itself as a camp “as complete as a sleepaway camp” and pretty much lived up to that description. Sure, it had a few pools, sports facilities, arts and crafts and all that standard stuff, but what set it apart more than anything is that it served lunch. Not just peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but real food cooked in a real kitchen – fried chicken (or as the camp menu called it, “honey dip’t chicken”), meatball subs, grilled cheese, hamburgers, etc., complete with sides and dessert. In fact, the only meal that sucked where those days every two weeks where the option would be tuna and egg salad platters. But any day you didn’t like the main course being offered, there was a range of substitutes you could order – bagels, turkey sandwiches, yogurt. Hell, even if you kept kosher, they would accommodate you. Needless to say, the food was one of the best parts of Pine Grove, especially if you were a fat kid like me.

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Top Five: My Favorite Counties in New Jersey

Posted July 14, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Top 5

Tags: , , ,

New Jersey is comprised of 21 counties, all with their own character, characters, scenery, and things to do. Each has a distinct flavor that separates it from its 20 brethren. But among this icosikaihenagon (apparently the word for a 21-sided polygon) of counties in the Armpit of America, some stand out from the pack much more than others. That being said, here are my five favorites.

5. Salem County: Tucked away in the dark southwestern corner of New Jersey, Salem County is mostly farmland and swamps and home to the lowest population of all the 21 counties. It is also the location of Cowtown, New Jersey’s one and only rodeo. In fact, that’s the only thing I’ve been to in this county (in the days before I had this blog – otherwise I would have certainly written about something so unusual and un-Jersey-esque). But aside from Cowtown, I don’t know much about Salem County. And that’s precisely why it made the list – it really is a mystery to me. And for being something so enigmatic in a relatively tiny state with a lot of people, Salem County truly stands out.

4. Hudson County: Though Hudson County is the smallest of the 21, it is the most densely populated county in the most densely populated state. Sure, this means traffic can be a bitch, but you have to take the good with the bad, as the theme song for “The Facts of Life” taught us. Between Jersey City and Hoboken alone, it seems most of my family and friends now live in this tiniest of counties. And with things like Zeppelin Hall, Barcade, Liberty State Park, the best views of Manhattan and much more, it’s easy to see how Hudson County ranks as one of my favorites. Read the rest of this post »

A Tour of the “Jersey Shore” House!

Posted July 4, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Armpit Adventures, MTV's "Jersey Shore"

Tags: , , , , ,

This is pretty epic. If you couldn’t tell from the title, I went on a tour of the “Jersey Shore” house, and it was amazing! Considering how much I’ve written about this show and its crazy cast of greasy goofballs, I can honestly say this was one of the highlights of my life.

It wasn’t planned or expected – just happened to be in Seaside Heights, walked up to the infamous Shore Store where the cast worked during the show, and saw a sign inviting people to take a tour of the house, which is right behind it. Of course, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see where our beloved Snooki, The Situation, J-WOWW, and the rest of the gang lived, fought, hooked up (and God knows what else they did in that house) for four summers.

IMG_2378

They’d probably get more business if they advertised: “Take a picture in the Smush Room”

The tour was led by this guy who worked on the crew of the show, who led us through the back door of the Shore Store and onto the back porch. But before we went inside, he warned us that it’s a lot smaller in real life – something I’m sure many of the girls who’ve hooked up with The Situation have also realized. Read the rest of this post »

Let’s Talk About Vintage Arcade Games…Again!

Posted June 25, 2016 by armpitnj
Categories: Armpit Adventures

Tags: , , , , , , ,

There’s just something about old timey video games that keeps drawing me in (and keeps me writing about them – like this time and this other time). Though I satiate this need by plugging in the old, yellowed Super Nintendo and playing Super Mario World for the millionth time (and still being unable to do that crazy jump in the Cheese Bridge level that opens the path to Soda Lake) or a newly acquired Intellivision, these aren’t always enough.

Thankfully, there are a growing number of arcades serving the not so niche market of vintage electronic entertainment seekers. One such place is the Silverball Museum in Asbury Park, which despite sounding like a gallery dedicated to geriatric genitals, is fortunately nothing of the sort. Having heard about this place for years, I finally checked it out during a recent all-too-rare visit to my beloved Jersey Shore and was blown away – you walk in and see row after row of about 100 pinball games all lovingly cared for and in perfect working condition. And each one has a sign above it giving you the year the machine was made and a brief back story.

And what’s great about the place is that you pay a flat hourly (or half hourly) fee up front, and then have access to every single machine, all of which have been retrofitted with a start button instead of having to feed them quarters. That’s right – no more having to deal with that stupid change machine that keeps spitting your dollar out, or having to keep fishing into your weighted down pocket to get a new quarter when you lose. Although I’m sure some would argue that that’s part of the experience of being at an arcade. Read the rest of this post »