Archive for the ‘Driving in New Jersey’ category

What’s Stinking in New Jersey?

May 21, 2011

What’s stinking in New Jersey this week?

This truck:

Yes, this truck says “1-800-DOG-POOP” on it.  Apparently it’s a dog waste cleaning service, which isn’t too uncommon.  But I sure got a kick out of it.

Aside from that, here are a couple other stinky things going on in the Armpit of America:

Governor Chris Christie got booed during his commencement address at Seton Hall.

Lieutenant Governor Kim Guadagno also got booed at a graduation.  (They probably should have left those two little boys in charge).

The Situation’s father is just as big of a loser as his son.  He set up a site called The Confrontation, with the goal of slandering his son.

Well, that’s about it from me.  On a side note, I’m leaving shortly for vacation!  As much as I love New Jersey, it’s good to get away every now and then – it just makes me appreciate the state even more.

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You Know You’re in NJ When…

November 16, 2010

You know you’re in New Jersey when you’re driving around and you see something like this:

That’s right, a pork roll van.  The incident happened a couple days ago.  I was driving on Route 35 and all of the sudden, I realized I was behind a van advertising pork roll.  So I stalked the van until we were stopped at a red light and took the picture.

For those who don’t know, pork roll is the official processed meat of New Jersey and one-third of the famous pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich that this state is famous for.  Despite the advertisement, the website theporkrollstore.com is nonexistent.  But a quick search tells me that the real Pork Roll Store is located in Allentown, NJ.  I’ve always heard about a store in Allentown that has the best pork roll – I guess that must be the place.  Anyway, where else can you be driving down the street and see a van advertising salty processed pig?  Only in the Armpit of America.

For more information about this true mystery meat, go here.

What’s Worse Than Flying to Afghanistan?

April 25, 2010

The other day, CNN.com posted a fascinating story about a guy who traveled the world using the most dangerous methods of transportation possible.  Carl Hoffman went out of his way to fly on airlines with questionable safety records, like Cubana and Ariana (the national airlines of Cuba and Afghanistan, respectively).  He also went on crowded ferries in Asia, where the complimentary meal was a fish tail, and sat in crowded buses speeding around cliffs in South America.

Though Hoffman may sound like a daredevil, his reason for going on these death-defying journeys wasn’t for the thrill or the adrenaline rush.  His mission was to experience how people all over the world get from place to place.  Though we may wonder why anyone would want to ride on a crowded bus for 28 hours, for some people, that’s their only way to get around.

As interesting as this may be, you’re probably wondering why I would include such a story on a blog about New Jersey.   Well, that’s because of one of the answers Hoffman gave to CNN in his interview.  When asked how he felt flying with an airline with poor safety records, Hoffman responded as such:

“Even on really bad — statistically bad — airlines, the death rate is really much lower than, say, driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.”

Someone who made it his mission to travel the world in the most dangerous ways possible still had something bad to say about the Turnpike.  I would think that after experiencing the transportation methods of the third world, one would have a much better appreciation for the Turnpike.   Apparently, the opposite is true.  The national airline of Afghanistan is safer than the highways of the Armpit of America.

Fwd: Rules for New Jersey Drivers

November 27, 2009

On several occasions over the years, I’ve received this e-mail laying out the rules for driving in New Jersey.  Though some of it is true, many points on the list are just your typical Jersey bravado.  Sure, us residents of the Armpit of America are indeed known for our aggressive natures, but this list exploits that a little too much.  All that being said, I’d like to present the contents of this continuously forwarded list, along with my response to each item.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is New-erk
not New-ark.

I have no clue why this is the first rule.  There are many other places in New Jersey to drive to or from aside from Newark.  On top of that, anyone in New Jersey knows how to pronounce Newark.  I’m sure most of the country knows as well.  The only people who might get confused are those unfortunate souls who call Delaware their home.  In case you don’t know, Delaware has a city called Newark, which they pronounce like “new-ark.”  So, this rule only applies to Delawareans.  Why the author of this list decided to cater to people in that backwater state is beyond me.  Delaware sucks.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

This rule plays up the legendary New Jersey traffic jams.  Sure it’s an exaggeration, but who in the Armpit of America hasn’t felt that our state’s rush hour lasts 24 hours a day?

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”

Yes, people in New Jersey go faster than the speed limit.  85 mph is indeed a suitable speed for driving on the Turnpike, but 105 mph on the Garden State Parkway?  Even this sometimes-aggressive New Jersey driver doesn’t agree with that.  The parkway has way too many curves to drive that fast on.

On a more serious note, who the hell says “wussy” anymore?  I haven’t used that word since 6th grade.  The only people who still use the term “wussy” are middle-aged mothers trying to sound cool.  Change the “w” to a “p,” and then it would be more accurate.

An elusive open road in New Jersey

An elusive open road in New Jersey

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its
own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest
tires go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

This rule is pretty accurate for the most part.  The only thing I’d suggest is mentioning something about how those assholes with loud mufflers and big tires usually don’t even stop at a stop sign.  But the part about SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms?  So untrue.  This statement, combined with the use of the word “wussy” above just proves that some bored middle-aged woman who thinks she’s cool/tough wrote this list.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

Again, this is mostly true.  I’m often amazed when I go through a yellow light and at least two more cars behind me will go through the light as well.  By the way, who says “cussed out”?  The only time I ever heard the word “cuss” instead of “curse” in New Jersey was when a Texas transplant said it.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that
can get you shot.

I’m calling bullshit on this one.  While us New Jerseyans are prone to road rage, you don’t get shot for honking at somebody.  It’s expected.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the
middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

Ha!  I couldn’t agree more.  Thanks to Obama’s stimulus package, road construction is even more prevalent.  And it does indeed seem like the construction crews just move around the barrels and cones just to piss us off.  If they were doing actual work, wouldn’t we see some kind of improvement on New Jersey’s roads?

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

Another good one that is surprisingly accurate.  My only complaint?  I’ve never seen any celebrity being a road hazard.  But then again, there was this one time I was driving in the middle of the night and a Jon Bon Jovi ran into the road.  Turns out it was just a possum, but you can understand my confusion.

9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they
say  they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass
lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

All of the above is true.  Mapquest, Google Maps, and other direction services probably conspire with the people who make the road signs just to piss us off.

That's more like it!

That's more like it!

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally
activated.”

It’s true, New Jersey drivers are infamous for not using turn signals.  This is one of the things about driving in the Armpit of America that really pisses me off.  I try my hardest to put on my turn signal at the appropriate time, but, occasionally, my Jersey blood forces me to neglect doing so.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off”
accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

This first part is definitely accurate.  But again, the author exaggerates about getting shot.  New Jersey isn’t that dangerous as the media makes it out to be.  If someone gives you the finger, by all means, give it right back.  Unless you’re a “wussy” soccer mom, it’s pretty much expected.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Uh, isn’t this the same as #2?  And whoever wrote this list neglected to consider that not everyone in New Jersey is of the Christian/Catholic persuasion.  And most of those who are don’t even go to church on Sundays.

13. If you are an elected official in NJ State you can drive without
wearing your seat belts

Tying in the problems with New Jersey’s road to it’s corrupt politicians is a great way to end the list.  Who can forget our soon-to-be-ex governor’s little incident on the Parkway?  While us ordinary citizens could get ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt, Jon Corzine got away with it.  But at least he lost the election.  Now let’s just wait until Chris Christie does something stupid.  I give him 60 days.