Archive for the ‘MTV's "Jersey Shore"’ category

Ready for “Jersey Shore: The Next Generation”?

February 20, 2017

I think it’s fair to assume that the attention and buzz around MTV’s “Jersey Shore” has officially flickered out. When was the last time you heard anything about Snooki or the Situation? And when has any late night talk show host cracked a joke about them? And while New Jersey was the butt of everyone’s jokes during the show’s 2009-2012 run, even that has died down.

I think it’s safe to say that the orange grease balls who made up the show’s cast have finally faded back into the faceless obscurity from which they emerged. And the scene of the crime, Seaside Heights, has finally recovered after dealing with the aftermath of the show, Hurricane Sandy, and a nasty boardwalk fire, reclaiming its title as a family-friendly shore town – or so those poor residents thought!

According to our friends at NJ.com, there may be a new “reality” show taking place in Seaside. The infamous club that the “Jersey Shore” cast frequently frequented, Bamboo, posted a casting call for a new show – “I Love Summer.” Specifically, they’re looking for “loud and fun” people, which obviously has residents and officials ready to fight back and save their town from reliving the attention and embarrassment MTV already bestowed upon them.

So is the world ready to watch a bunch of loud New Yorkers making idiots of themselves at the Jersey Shore once again? I think so. Just consider this birthday card (created by New Jersey’s own Designer Greetings) I bought the day before hearing about the new show:

jersey-shore-card

I was pretty confused upon seeing it – seemed like something that should have been on the shelves back in 2010/2011 at the height of Snooki and friends’ popularity. Who aside from second rate bloggers looking for inspiration for a quick and easy blog post would buy such a thing? Why would Designer Greetings put out the card now?? Why would a small grocery store chain on Long Island carry such a thing???

I take it all as a sign that after a few quiet years, the world is indeed ready to make the Armpit of America everyone’s punching bag once again. And if  “I Love Summer” actually comes to fruition, that will surely happen. And you know I’ll be watching it…and writing about it.

A Tour of the “Jersey Shore” House!

July 4, 2016

This is pretty epic. If you couldn’t tell from the title, I went on a tour of the “Jersey Shore” house, and it was amazing! Considering how much I’ve written about this show and its crazy cast of greasy goofballs, I can honestly say this was one of the highlights of my life.

It wasn’t planned or expected – just happened to be in Seaside Heights, walked up to the infamous Shore Store where the cast worked during the show, and saw a sign inviting people to take a tour of the house, which is right behind it. Of course, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see where our beloved Snooki, The Situation, J-WOWW, and the rest of the gang lived, fought, hooked up (and God knows what else they did in that house) for four summers.

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They’d probably get more business if they advertised: “Take a picture in the Smush Room”

The tour was led by this guy who worked on the crew of the show, who led us through the back door of the Shore Store and onto the back porch. But before we went inside, he warned us that it’s a lot smaller in real life – something I’m sure many of the girls who’ve hooked up with The Situation have also realized. (more…)

Movie Review: “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”

July 13, 2014

Two years ago, the Syfy network, purveyors of such cinematic classics as Sharktopus, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and Mongolian Death Worm, premiered its newest masterpiece, Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Somehow, I didn’t see this gem until last night. In all honestly, it was as bad as you would probably expect, but I did the dirty work of watching this literal horror show so you don’t have to.

The movie follows the wacky hijinks of a group of overtanned, oversexed 20-somethings living together in a house in Seaside Heights. If it sounds like MTV’s Jersey Shore, that was intentional – the main characters are directly inspired by the cast of that show: you have The Complication (The Situation), Nooki (Snooki), J-MONI (JWoww), Donnie (Ronnie), etc. And just like the show, they’re obsessed with drinking, fighting, sexing and creating their own stupid abbreviations; rather than GTL, the guys proclaim how they are going to go out for some ASS – Alcohol, Sun, and Sex.

And while our gang is just trying to have fun, there are some significant wrenches thrown into what is supposed to be a carefree summer at the Jersey Shore. Some real estate developer wants to create a luxury country club and displace the guido population, they get into some brawls with preppy rich kids, and, worst of all, there is a school of rabid albino sharks prowling the water. And that’s pretty much the entire plot. Oh yeah – I forgot about another aspect of the movie – everyone’s looking forward to the “big” 4th of July concert by former *NSYNCer Joey Fatone, who plays himself in the film. Don’t know how they dug him up – I guess JC Chasez must have been busy that day.

Anyway, the whole movie is like a bad combination of Jersey Shore and Jaws. Some scenes are even almost exact replications of scenes from the latter. Like when local fishermen catch a shark, though not necessarily the shark, and everyone thinks it’s safe to be in the water. Or when the police chief desperately tries to convince the mayor to close the beach on the 4th of July. But as Jaws itself was based on real New Jersey shark attacks (that occured in my hometown), I guess that can be forgiven. There are also elements of dumb high school shows like 90210 or Saved By the Bell; you have the rivalry with the preppy kids, the local hangout of Captain Sallie’s bar (akin to the Peach Pit or the Max) and Captain Sallie himself who serves as a mentor to the gang (just like Nat or Mr. Belding).

And then there are the effects, which I refuse to call special. These supposed blood-thirsty sharks are rendered as crappy CGI fish with faces that look like the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings. They even make the fake shark from Jaws look real. Moreover, the characters constantly refer to the sharks having red eyes – but the effects people obviously missed this detail. Also consider how our gang tries to kill the sharks by throwing fireworks at them – fireworks that somehow remain lit under water in some weird SpongeBob SquarePants type of logic.

No wonder the effects sucked; half the budget went to fake tanner and earrings.

When all this is combined with a cast of bad actors with over the top New York accents, a few too many Italian stereotype jokes and a cameo by Jersey Shore’s Vinnie (playing a news reporter as unconvincingly as you might expect), this movie just sucks. And no, not in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It sucks in that you find yourself rooting for the ugly CGI sharks to just eat the entire cast already. Unfortunately you have to wait two hours to see that they all survive.

Like this review? Check out my other movie reviews for Eddie and the Cruisers and Killer Klowns from Outer Space, or my recap of the classic Jersey Shore episode of South Park!

Age Progression Images of Snooki and Friends in 20 Years

June 12, 2012

Making her first appearance on this blog is Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil.  For those who don’t know about Tan Mom, this overly tan New Jersey woman was accused of taking her daughter into a tanning both with her. While that has yet to be proven, one thing we know for sure is that she goes tanning a bit too much.  But 20 years earlier, she was quite the looker.

After viewing these before and after pictures and seeing the drastic changes that excessive tanning has caused to this once attractive woman, it got me thinking about the cast of “Jersey Shore” and what they will look like in 20 years.  Using the most advanced age progression technology (Google image search and Microsoft Paint), I have created some images of what I think Snooki and friends will look like after two decades of tanning and partying. Enjoy!

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Snooki

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Paulie D.

(more…)

The Puzzling Jersey Shore Puzzle

May 12, 2012

Let’s face it – puzzles are boring.  And if there’s one thing worse than doing a puzzle, it’s reading about someone else doing a puzzle.  Except when the puzzle in question is a 300-piece portrait of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Things started out easy enough – I did the border first, just as they teach you in puzzle class.  But when it came to putting the cast together, I ran into some serious problems.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s pretty difficult trying to figure out which piece belongs to which person when they all have shiny orange skin, manicured nails, and way too much jewelry:

So, I had to continue working from the outside in; it was easier to follow the grain in the wall and the pattern of the carpet than to determine whose orange leg or greasy hair belonged to whom. The clothes helped a bit in putting these idiots together – purple dress for Sammi, leopard print for Deena, overly stretched out black pleather for Snooki.

Eventually everything came together and I was almost done with my masterpiece. I just had a few more pieces to fit in before I could call this puzzle finished.

After figuring out where to put Snooki’s wonky eye:

Pauly D’s scalp:

J-WOWW’s tits:

and Deena’s sexy cankle:

I have a finished puzzle!

La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

August 16, 2011

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy: (more…)

Jersey Shore Season 3 Recap

April 9, 2011

I had originally intended to recap each and every episode of MTV’s groundbreaking and highly influential show. However, I gave up half-way through the second season, which took place in Miami despite being called Jersey Shore. I apologize, but I’m sure you understand. As we all know, each episode was pretty much the same. Sammi and Ronnie fight and make up. Vinny, Pauly D, and Mike “The Situation” hook up with as many girls as possible. Angelina starts shit with everyone. J-WOWW dresses like a slut. Snooki does something adorable.

For the third season, the gang was back whoring it up in Seaside Heights. Though the season started out strong, it soon fizzled out. It’s sad, but these people have become caricatures of themselves and no longer seem that interesting. Even sadder, they are all celebrities now and make more in one year than I’ll probably make in my lifetime. All that aside, the show is still pretty entertaining. But if you haven’t been keeping up with it, let me fill you in on who/what went down this season (along with some great artwork by Jennifer Herd of bite.ca).

J-WOWW and Snooki

"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

Everyone’s favorite pickle-loving best-selling author (check out her first draft!) is still on her quest to find the perfect guido. Though Snooki makes no attempt to hide her feelings for her cast-mate Vinnie, there’s always some kind of drama keeping those two apart. Aside from the early episode where she got arrested for being drunk at the beach, our girl Snooks was pretty low-key this season. (more…)