Posted tagged ‘MTV’

A Tour of the “Jersey Shore” House!

July 4, 2016

This is pretty epic. If you couldn’t tell from the title, I went on a tour of the “Jersey Shore” house, and it was amazing! Considering how much I’ve written about this show and its crazy cast of greasy goofballs, I can honestly say this was one of the highlights of my life.

It wasn’t planned or expected – just happened to be in Seaside Heights, walked up to the infamous Shore Store where the cast worked during the show, and saw a sign inviting people to take a tour of the house, which is right behind it. Of course, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see where our beloved Snooki, The Situation, J-WOWW, and the rest of the gang lived, fought, hooked up (and God knows what else they did in that house) for four summers.

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They’d probably get more business if they advertised: “Take a picture in the Smush Room”

The tour was led by this guy who worked on the crew of the show, who led us through the back door of the Shore Store and onto the back porch. But before we went inside, he warned us that it’s a lot smaller in real life – something I’m sure many of the girls who’ve hooked up with The Situation have also realized. (more…)

Movie Review: “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”

July 13, 2014

Two years ago, the Syfy network, purveyors of such cinematic classics as Sharktopus, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and Mongolian Death Worm, premiered its newest masterpiece, Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Somehow, I didn’t see this gem until last night. In all honestly, it was as bad as you would probably expect, but I did the dirty work of watching this literal horror show so you don’t have to.

The movie follows the wacky hijinks of a group of overtanned, oversexed 20-somethings living together in a house in Seaside Heights. If it sounds like MTV’s Jersey Shore, that was intentional – the main characters are directly inspired by the cast of that show: you have The Complication (The Situation), Nooki (Snooki), J-MONI (JWoww), Donnie (Ronnie), etc. And just like the show, they’re obsessed with drinking, fighting, sexing and creating their own stupid abbreviations; rather than GTL, the guys proclaim how they are going to go out for some ASS – Alcohol, Sun, and Sex.

And while our gang is just trying to have fun, there are some significant wrenches thrown into what is supposed to be a carefree summer at the Jersey Shore. Some real estate developer wants to create a luxury country club and displace the guido population, they get into some brawls with preppy rich kids, and, worst of all, there is a school of rabid albino sharks prowling the water. And that’s pretty much the entire plot. Oh yeah – I forgot about another aspect of the movie – everyone’s looking forward to the “big” 4th of July concert by former *NSYNCer Joey Fatone, who plays himself in the film. Don’t know how they dug him up – I guess JC Chasez must have been busy that day.

Anyway, the whole movie is like a bad combination of Jersey Shore and Jaws. Some scenes are even almost exact replications of scenes from the latter. Like when local fishermen catch a shark, though not necessarily the shark, and everyone thinks it’s safe to be in the water. Or when the police chief desperately tries to convince the mayor to close the beach on the 4th of July. But as Jaws itself was based on real New Jersey shark attacks (that occured in my hometown), I guess that can be forgiven. There are also elements of dumb high school shows like 90210 or Saved By the Bell; you have the rivalry with the preppy kids, the local hangout of Captain Sallie’s bar (akin to the Peach Pit or the Max) and Captain Sallie himself who serves as a mentor to the gang (just like Nat or Mr. Belding).

And then there are the effects, which I refuse to call special. These supposed blood-thirsty sharks are rendered as crappy CGI fish with faces that look like the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings. They even make the fake shark from Jaws look real. Moreover, the characters constantly refer to the sharks having red eyes – but the effects people obviously missed this detail. Also consider how our gang tries to kill the sharks by throwing fireworks at them – fireworks that somehow remain lit under water in some weird SpongeBob SquarePants type of logic.

No wonder the effects sucked; half the budget went to fake tanner and earrings.

When all this is combined with a cast of bad actors with over the top New York accents, a few too many Italian stereotype jokes and a cameo by Jersey Shore’s Vinnie (playing a news reporter as unconvincingly as you might expect), this movie just sucks. And no, not in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It sucks in that you find yourself rooting for the ugly CGI sharks to just eat the entire cast already. Unfortunately you have to wait two hours to see that they all survive.

Like this review? Check out my other movie reviews for Eddie and the Cruisers and Killer Klowns from Outer Space, or my recap of the classic Jersey Shore episode of South Park!

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Where Are They Now?

January 4, 2014

ImageIt wasn’t long ago that almost 90 percent of my blog posts were about MTV’s Jersey Shore. But it wasn’t just me – those greasy, orange STD magnets were everywhere: chatting on talk shows, hosting events at clubs, doing commercials – and even appearing in Christmas ornament form. But my how the mighty have fallen – and I’m not just talking about drunkenly stumbling in their six-inch heels on the way home from Bamboo.

As is often the case, MTV built these people up and then forgot about them, just like so many of the network’s previous flavors of the minute: Avril Lavigne, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, etc. One day you’re being interviewed by Kurt Loder on the red carpet at the VMAs, and the next day you’re googling yourself and thrilled to see that some second-rate writer mentions your name on a rarely updated blog about New Jersey. Will the same hold true for the cast of Jersey Shore? While I previously showed where they’ll be in 20 years, let’s take a look at where they are right now as they desperately cling to those final fleeting seconds of their 15 minutes of fame.

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Age Progression Images of Snooki and Friends in 20 Years

June 12, 2012

Making her first appearance on this blog is Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil.  For those who don’t know about Tan Mom, this overly tan New Jersey woman was accused of taking her daughter into a tanning both with her. While that has yet to be proven, one thing we know for sure is that she goes tanning a bit too much.  But 20 years earlier, she was quite the looker.

After viewing these before and after pictures and seeing the drastic changes that excessive tanning has caused to this once attractive woman, it got me thinking about the cast of “Jersey Shore” and what they will look like in 20 years.  Using the most advanced age progression technology (Google image search and Microsoft Paint), I have created some images of what I think Snooki and friends will look like after two decades of tanning and partying. Enjoy!

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Snooki

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Paulie D.

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The Puzzling Jersey Shore Puzzle

May 12, 2012

Let’s face it – puzzles are boring.  And if there’s one thing worse than doing a puzzle, it’s reading about someone else doing a puzzle.  Except when the puzzle in question is a 300-piece portrait of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Things started out easy enough – I did the border first, just as they teach you in puzzle class.  But when it came to putting the cast together, I ran into some serious problems.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s pretty difficult trying to figure out which piece belongs to which person when they all have shiny orange skin, manicured nails, and way too much jewelry:

So, I had to continue working from the outside in; it was easier to follow the grain in the wall and the pattern of the carpet than to determine whose orange leg or greasy hair belonged to whom. The clothes helped a bit in putting these idiots together – purple dress for Sammi, leopard print for Deena, overly stretched out black pleather for Snooki.

Eventually everything came together and I was almost done with my masterpiece. I just had a few more pieces to fit in before I could call this puzzle finished.

After figuring out where to put Snooki’s wonky eye:

Pauly D’s scalp:

J-WOWW’s tits:

and Deena’s sexy cankle:

I have a finished puzzle!

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

Drinking the Jersey Shore

December 18, 2011

It tastes like burning...and Snooki

Due to a certain show on MTV, the Jersey Shore is more popular than ever.  To appease a public hungry for all things Jersey Shore and to capitalize on it, companies are selling anything related to the shore in one way or another.  So, this holiday season, you can buy the guido-wannabes in your life all sorts of Jersey Shore merchandise, like ornaments and perfume.  Just put the words “Jersey Shore” on something, and you’ll have a bunch of idiots willing to by it.

I am one of those idiots.

While at the liquor store the other night looking for something to bring to a Chanukah party, I saw a bumper-sticker-like Jersey Shore label stuck on a bottle of vodka.  Being the fanboy that I am, I snatched it up and brought it to the register without giving a second thought.  After taking it home, I realized that some things are worth deliberating.  Jersey Shore branded vodka is one of those things.

This Jersey Shore vodka has nothing to do with the MTV show of the same name.  It doesn’t really have much to do with the real Jersey Shore either.  Though the perimeter of the label is lined with the names of various party towns on the Jersey Shore, there is one glaring mistake.  Among all the locations known for their bars and crazy nightlife, like Seaside, Pt. Pleasant, Wildwood, and Belmar, appears Spring Lake, a town known for rich old people and little else.  Why Spring Lake would be included on a bottle of vodka is beyond me. (more…)