My Latest Obsession: Teresa Giudice
Move over Snooki, there’s a new ghetto Italian bitch in my life. Her name is Teresa Giudice (pronounced Jew-dice), from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” If you’ve never watched that show, you’re missing out. It’s a lot like “Jersey Shore,” only the episodes actually have plots rather than the regular formula of drink, fight, hook up, and repeat. I only started watching Real Housewives a couple of weeks ago, but I wish I’d been there all along. Once you start watching, I’m sure you’ll be just as intrigued as I am by the obvious star of the show, Ms. Giudice.
Just like Snooki, Teresa is quite interesting to look at. While she shares Snooki’s orange skin and big, dark hair, Teresa’s got something that little Snooki doesn’t. Crazy eyes. Seriously. Look at those things:
They’re like two hockey pucks so far apart it seems like they’re trying to escape her face. Indeed, it’s those very eyes that have me so smitten. It’s certainly not the rest of her body – her skin is so orange and wrinkly, she looks much older than she really is. And it’s not her personality. Teresa comes across as a self-centered and ignorant bitch. But there’s something about those eyes. I guess it’s the whole train wreck analogy – they’re so ugly that I can’t look away. And for some reason, she puts so much makeup around her eyes that you can’t help but be drawn to them anyway.
So we’re left staring into those creepy peepers as she goes about her daily routine – making sexual advances to her fat slob of a husband in front of their four kids and gossiping with her two friends, the one who looks and sounds like a man and the one who looks like a pretty cow. (I’m not calling her fat or anything – I just think she has some bovine facial features.)
Teresa is also known for her temper. Though I’ve only seen a couple of episodes this season, a search on Hulu provides some of her best moments (like this one and this one) with former costar Danielle Staub. Unfortunately, Danielle is no longer on the show, so the producers brought on not one, but two new cast members to get Teresa’s crazy eyes a whole lot crazier.
Try to look away. I dare you.
The first is her sister-in-law Melissa. Teresa takes every chance she gets to bitch about her. Though there’s some dumb reason why she doesn’t like her, I think it’s just some bullshit excuse. It’s obvious that Teresa was always the princess of her family and received constant love and attention. Then, her brother marries Melissa, who is younger, smarter, and (much) prettier than her and soon becomes the family’s new princess. Feeling old and ugly, Teresa’s only response is to treat her like shit.
Teresa's sister-in-law and brother, who received his very own set of crazy, wideset eyes.
The other new addition to the cast is Teresa’s cousin, Kathy. She seems pretty normal, and her kids are nice and down to earth. Kathy received the wrath of Teresa for pointing out that she left her youngest daughter unattended during a brawl (that her sleazy husband started) at her nephew’s christening. Feeling inferior as a mother (and with those four bratty daughters of hers, who can blame her?), Teresa has made Kathy her other nemesis.
Now, I always give credit where credit is due. While some people like to brag about their Italian-ness, like the whole cast of Jersey Shore, most are totally clueless about Italian culture and heritage. Heck, they probably don’t even know the difference between cannelloni and cannellini. Teresa, on the other hand, is fluent in Italian. Her English, however, is rather Palinesque. For example, on one episode, she was talking about the cookbook that she supposedly wrote and kept mentioning how all her recipes only use fresh, simple ingredientses. Yes, she said ingredients-es. Sounds like something Gollum would say, right? But really, would anyone be surprised if we find out that Teresa is actually a deformed hobbit?
They stole my ingredientses! My precious ingredientses!
Well, that’s about all you need to know about the wonderful creature called Teresa Giudice. If you want to see some more of Teresa, be sure to check out South Park’s “It’s a Jersey Thing” episode. Though much was made of their representation of Snooki, Teresa isn’t treated too kindly either.
And now let’s close things out with a musical tribute to Teresa, courtesy of my good friend, Kim Carnes!
She’ll tease you…
She’ll unease you…
Just to please you…
She’s got Bette Davis pretty crazy eyes!
Tags: Bravo, guidettes, Guidice, Jersey Shore, New Jersey, Real Housewives, reality shows, snooki, Teresa
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ArmpitNJ.com 
December 30, 2011 at 11:13 am
[…] My Latest Obsession: Teresa Guidice – This past year, I got hooked on Real Housewives of New Jersey. And what was it that drew […]
April 8, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I too look at her as one would look at a bad accident as you pass by. Those eyes – it’s like she is a bug. Jackie Kennedy’s eyes were a little far apart, but she makes Theresa look like a praying mantis. And the fact that you can tell she thinks she’s attractive makes you just want to shake her and tell her to lay off caking on all that makeup – ugly is ugly and you can’t put lipstick on a pig.
June 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm
First of all, most of you people need to sue whatever school district you were in as many of these posts are a testiment to why the United States school systems are lagging so far behind so many other countries where excellence is concerned. In a time where spell check is normally automatic on most digital devices it it obviously time for proper grammar to be fundamental ( I bet most of you have NO clue what I am referring to…sad). Anyway, Teresa is obviously just jealous that her sister in law has a great man who is capable of taking care of her very well while she (Teresa) now has to work like a slave to keep her family from losing their home & the minimal amount of financial stability they have ( I only say minimal as a comparison to the luxurious, lavish life she was living before her drunken, thieving, lying husband was caught in the scams he was pulling & forced the family into bankrupsy). Melissa Gorga is a beautiful, talented woman who obviously adores her husband Joe Gorga (Teresa’s brother) & their three beautiful children. Instead of being so jealous of Melissa because Melissa is obviously a younger, much prettier & more talented woman than Teresa ever was or could be, Teresa should be happy her brother has such a wonderful, loving wife & thank Melissa. Teresa used to be a nice, caring woman but it is so obvious that the fame has gone to her head & now she has managed to alienate so many of the people that have tolerated & supported her when things got bad & she needed them the most. Heck, Caroline Manzo & Jaqueline Lorita were there for Teresa when her own family wasn’t ( or so Teresa made them & all of us viewers believe). Then when her sister in law Melissa & her sweet cousin Kathy are asked to join the show Teresa’s true colors were shown! She could no longer keep the two sides apart & manipulate everyone to hate the people on the other side & she began to lose control of everything! She expected Jacqueline & Cariline to dislike & stay away from her sister in law Melissa & cousin Kathy for ‘loyalty’ sake, but when the two sides ultimately met & found out about all of her lies then Teresa started going after each woman one by one & she ended up being the MOST disloyal person of the entire group & now that all of her deception & lies are coming to light the women have all realized how crazy & deceptive she really is & they’re all realizing that she is just toxic!! Teresa is out for Teresa & she will lie, steal, cheat, disrespect & harm anyone she does not think is kissing her ass enough & taking her side with everything! I’m so tired of Teresa’s bullish! What’s done in the dark will come to the light & God doesn’t like ugly & the truth will eventually prevail (it’s coming out as we speak which is why so many of the women are deciding to cut her out of their lives one by one too. Joe Guidice is a sorry excuse for a man, a liar, a convicted drunk driver, a thief & someone that not even the new, evil Teresa deserves, as I honestly believe he is the puppeteer pulling Teresa’s strings & contributing extensively to the rifts between Teresa & all of the other women. I believe in standing by your man & him being the head of your household however if your husband is causing all of the strife & negativity in your life then you have to be your own person & regardless to what happens or who is doing the wrong, you have to stand on the side of what is right & not cut off the people who have had your back from day one. And Terrsa is willing to stand by her a**hole of a husband & go against everyone. Then she tries to play the victim card when everything airs do that the viewers will feel sympathy for her, take her side & buy her products. She throws everyone under the bus & drives over them herself & them in the same breath she’ll say, “No, that wasn’t me driving the bus. You’re wrong. Had to be someone who looks like me.” Then when you play back the video tape showing her in the driver’s seat she will comes say, oh, I never said I didn’t do that, your all ganging up on me. BASICALLY I’M JUST TIRED OF TERESA GUDICE & THE BITCH & FAME WHORE SHE HAS BECOME. Money is momentary (as she should know too well) but TRUE friendship is FOREVER. And once RHONJ is over soon & Teresa’s 15 minutes of fame are over, Teresa will truly regret all of the lies, backstabbing & two-facedness she dished out. I hope she still has God because she’s going to need ALOT of forgiveness & I hope she gets a chance to truly repent for each & every thing she has done to so many people who had been real, true friends before Teresa allowed the fame & money to get to her. Good luck to Caroline, Jacqueline, Melissa & Kathy as you all are real women & true, genuine people who deserve the BEST!!!!
July 12, 2012 at 10:17 am
uhhh…a lot is TWO Words. Time to use your spell check again Ms. Perfection.
September 16, 2012 at 11:16 pm
I see several grammar and spelling errors from the perfect MWilliams. No one would have cared to point out your flaws until you made such a scene about someone else’s!!!
IDIOT!!!!
February 10, 2019 at 11:03 pm
Hahahaha!!!
September 23, 2012 at 8:16 pm
I think the fact that you know so much about these freaks speaks more about the education you received than it does about anyone else. To be honest I skimmed over your rather wordy reply where you first insult everyone else and then go on to pontificate about a bunch of morons. I watched Apprentice because I liked Penn and Adam Carolla. People with actual talent who make a living due to their hard work in their respective careers. I would never watch a “show” about a bunch of douche bags and tampons who’s only talent is to stab someone else in the back. The point of the OP was that this talent-less, borderline retarded woman was also extremely hard to look at because of the deformity in her skull structure where her eyes are concerned. Perhaps one day when people are born with such a deformity we will be able to physically treat them as well as make sure they get some sort of education so as not to appear as mentally handicapped as they truly are.
September 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm
pulling & forced the family into bankrupsy)….I thought you had spell check in your digital device?
October 3, 2014 at 5:32 pm
bankrupcy really? lolz
March 30, 2015 at 12:23 pm
Are you kidding? You used the wrong words, (didn’t proofread) had run on sentences, didn’t use commas and alot is two words. I think you should’ve learned that in kindergarten. Since you use that word a lot I think it’s important that you’re informed. You also pointed out the fact that the blogger misspelled words. Furthermore you seemed agitated & pointed out that we all posses spell check, yet you failed to check your own document? Super smart! Lol well thanks for the laugh lol lol lol
September 1, 2014 at 1:15 am
I think someone on this thread is manic or ADD
May 14, 2015 at 11:23 pm
I think you are all from joisy! Lol!
July 9, 2015 at 12:55 am
What is it with most Italian women? They have such hard, masculine, hairy features, that even if there is some attractiveness there, they still look scary ugly.
October 11, 2015 at 12:28 am
Excuse me Molly, I am a beautiful Italian lady with beautiful green eyes and real thick curly hair! I look very soft and very girly! I am special because I am Italian! 😍
October 11, 2015 at 12:31 am
And I am proud to be an Italian.
I am All REAL , Lucky, Blessed.