Posted tagged ‘reality shows’

If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals

July 15, 2012

After my post where I determined what the cast of Jersey Shore would look like in 20 years, I thought I’d have some fun with the Armpit of America’s other favorite trashy reality stars.  And while some of the Real Housewives may already seem like beasts (Teresa), I wanted to share the real animals that these bitches remind me of.  So here we go.

.

Teresa Guidice: The Toad

That wrinkly, brown skin.  The giant wide-set eyes and even wider mouth.  The endless loud croaking.  A tendency to eat flies, worms and other crawly things.  Teresa sure has a lot in common with the common toad.

(more…)

Advertisements

La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

August 16, 2011

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy: (more…)

My Latest Obsession: Teresa Giudice

June 21, 2011

Move over Snooki, there’s a new ghetto Italian bitch in my life. Her name is Teresa Giudice (pronounced Jew-dice), from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” If you’ve never watched that show, you’re missing out. It’s a lot like “Jersey Shore,” only the episodes actually have plots rather than the regular formula of drink, fight, hook up, and repeat. I only started watching Real Housewives a couple of weeks ago, but I wish I’d been there all along. Once you start watching, I’m sure you’ll be just as intrigued as I am by the obvious star of the show, Ms. Giudice.

Just like Snooki, Teresa is quite interesting to look at. While she shares Snooki’s orange skin and big, dark hair, Teresa’s got something that little Snooki doesn’t. Crazy eyes. Seriously. Look at those things:

They’re like two hockey pucks so far apart it seems like they’re trying to escape her face. Indeed, it’s those very eyes that have me so smitten. It’s certainly not the rest of her body – her skin is so orange and wrinkly, she looks much older than she really is. And it’s not her personality. Teresa comes across as a self-centered and ignorant bitch. But there’s something about those eyes. I guess it’s the whole train wreck analogy – they’re so ugly that I can’t look away. And for some reason, she puts so much makeup around her eyes that you can’t help but be drawn to them anyway. (more…)

South Park Goes Jersey

October 19, 2010

"It's a Jersey thing."

As South Park satirizes everything in the worlds of politics, pop culture, and current events, it was only a matter of time before Trey Parker and Matt Stone took on all things Jersey.  They did just that on last week’s episode, and the results were incredible.

The episode featured the small town of South Park, Colorado dealing with a special kind of infestation.  While it’s been overrun in the past with hippies, metrosexuals, homeless people, wealthy black families, and immigrants from the future, its most recent infestation is people from New Jersey.  Although, it wasn’t just any people from New Jersey – the stars of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jerseylicious, and, of course, Jersey Shore all made their appearances.  They also referenced a “Steve” from a show called Last Call, but I have no idea who or what that is.

Anyway, the town tries to deal with the influx of Jersey trash, who, whenever they do something rude or stupid, always answer with “It’s a Jersey thing!”  Just as everyone is getting sick of all the Jersey freaks, we find out that one of South Park’s own residents is from New Jersey.  It turns out Kyle’s mom, who has long had the reputation of being a bitch, is from Newark.  That explains a lot.  Though she now goes by the name Sheila Braflovski, she used to be known as “S-Woww Tittybang.”  Ha. (more…)

“Jersey Shore” Episode 4 Recap: Yawwwwn

August 25, 2010

This season is turning out to be pretty sucky. I could easily just recap the entire episode in one sentence: Sammi and Ronnie broke up but then got back together. But since there’s no fun in that, I’ll give you the whole shpiel.

The episode starts like all the rest, with the gang at some club. The other guys tell Ronnie how he’s president of the IFF. I have no idea what that stands for, but, since these guys act like they’re twelve, my guess is that IFF stands for the International Farting Federation. Anyway, Mike says how Sammi has no idea that Ronnie’s such a man-whore and that she’s being punk’d. Oh boy. Saying someone got punk’d is so 2003, which actually makes perfect sense. That’s when Grandpa Mike would have been 21, and it’s clear that he’s desperately trying to hold onto his youth. But he, and his receding hairline, can’t fool us.

The girls are at the house, and Snooki is inexplicably walking around with a teddy bear. So cute! Her gorilla juicehead Emilio calls her and says how he’s at a club with half-naked girls. Snooki gets mad and explains how all guys suck and that it’s no wonder the lesbian rate is going up. Uh huh.

❤ ❤ ❤

Tanny Bug Eyes then asks Snooki and J-WOWW if Ronnie’s doing anything behind her back. They get really awkward and look at each other but don’t say anything. Any normal person would realize that this means yes. But Sammi is pretty slow. Though she gets a little suspicious, she still trusts Ronnie 100%. We then see Ronnie at the club dancing with some tranny-looking Asian version of Jocelyn Wildenstein. To each his own. (more…)

“Jersey Shore” Episode 1 Recap: Two Girls One Creep

August 4, 2010

“Jersey Shore” made its trashtastic return to our televisions last week, and it was just as entertaining as expected. So, if you didn’t see the Season 2 premiere, saw it and want to read about it, or just ended up here because you googled “jwoww tits,” you’ve come to the right place. On a side note, I seriously debated whether I should even recap this season. Despite its title, this show now has our favorite group of New Yorkers living it up in Miami and not in New Jersey. However, I just have too much fun analyzing these idiots.

I bet they left behind an oil slick rivaling that in the Gulf...

So here we go. The episode starts with some loser who calls himself “The Situation” giving us a recap of the previous season. He explains that there were a lot of fights, hookups, and drama. As we all know, Mike the Sitch wasn’t involved in any fights or hookups, but girlfriend sure caused a lot of drama. We then hear from Vinny, who contributes nothing constructive (in typical Vinny fashion).

But after his little spiel, our girl Snooki comes on. She explains how they had so much fun together last time, they had to do it again. Of course, she left out the part about MTV exploiting their shenanigans and giving them tons of money in return, but let’s let Snooki think that it’s all in her hands. Anyway, Snooki then exclaims “We’re coming to Miami!” My thoughts? Too bad 75% of the Golden Girls are dead; a crossover special would have been incredible. (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Last Episode!!!

January 28, 2010

Just like summer itself, the first season of “Jersey Shore” has flown by. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that this will be the last episode review I’ll have to write for a while. Not that I don’t love spreading the word about latest goings on with Snooki and the rest, but I look forward to not devoting 20 hours a week towards this show. All that being said, I will have at least one more “Jersey Shore” related post coming up in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned!

Now that that’s all out of the way, let’s jump right in to our last episode. It begins where the previous episode left off – Ronnie getting arrested. Sammi explains how horrible she feels and that she can’t believe it and doesn’t know what to do. I say you should dump the creep, sister! Anyway, the girls are wondering how they can get Ronnie out of jail. Snooki offers to call 911, but Sammi explains to her that 911 is only for emergencies. Silly pumpkin!

In case you haven't noticed, I love posting this pic!

So Snooki calls the local police office instead, and she is told that Ronnie will be held overnight and can be released on bail at 6:30 AM. Sammi then whines about how this will be the first night she has to sleep alone. Please. Instead of worrying that her boyfriend with the perfectly coiffed hair and ever-present tube of lip gloss is going to get raped in the slammer, she’s only concerned about herself. What a selfish bitch. As she points out, though, it’s already 3:30, so he’ll only be there another 3 hours.

At 8:00 in the morning, the phone rings nonstop, but no one answers it. Finally, Sammi gets up and tells us that she heard the phone ringing but was waiting for someone else to answer it. The princess (Sammi, not Mike) eventually gets up and then goes to the slammer to pick Ronnie up. He tells us, “I feel like a lowlife for going to jail, and I don’t belong there!” Let’s see. Ronnie is somewhat abusive to his girlfriend, can’t control his anger, has been involved in several fights, and has now been arrested. I think that qualifies him as a lowlife. What do you all think????


Enough with the Sammi/Ronnie bullshit, Little Miss Diva needs her turn in the spotlight! We see Mike talking with Vinny and Pauly about finding some girls to hang out with over Labor Day weekend, their last weekend in the house. Mike gets on the phone calling all of the girls he knows, and – surprise – none of them answer. Since no girl is interested, he suggests the three of them have a guys’ night out. Something tells me this was his plan all along… (more…)