La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy:

Snooki – Oh, my dearest Snooki.  She’s now dating some guido named Gionni, though we find out that she already cheated on him – with Mike “The Bitchuation” Sorrentino no less.  While in Italy, she hopes to get an internship with the American embassy and pursue her career goal of becoming a foreign diplomat.

J-WOWW – WWhat the hell happened to her?  Do already-attractive 24-year-old wwomen really need to get Botox?  And be that skinny?  WWhatever.  J-WOWW is still wwith Roger, that kinda creepy but kinda nice guy she started dating last season.  Wwhile in Italy, she hopes to follow in the footsteps of Sophia Loren and become a classically trained actress.  She’s already catching up to her in the plastic surgery department.

Ronnie – Ronnie claims to be single for now, but we all know he and Sammi will get back together at some point.  He prepared for the trip by trading in the faux-hawk for a Julius Caesar haircut, which makes him look like even more of douche.  While in Italy, he hopes to become a gladiator and fight in the Coliseum; he’s been getting in shape by using Sammi as a punching bag.

Sammi – Though she says she’s finally done with Ronnie, she admits that she still has feelings for him.  Ugh.  Why the hell would her parents even let her go to another country to live with that abusive piece of shit?  Whatevs.  While in Italy, Sammi plans on studying the paintings of the old masters for her dissertation on how Italian Renaissance art has influenced 20th century American pop culture.

The Situation – Still a man-slut trying to get with as many girls as possible until his dick falls off, and that’s pretty much all the Bitchuation has ever been and will ever be.  While in Italy, he hopes to get an apprenticeship at a trattoria, so he can learn the best techniques of Italian cooking and open his own restaurant back in the states.

Pauly D – Still working on becoming the most famous DJ in Rhode Island, which is kinda like trying to be the smartest person in Staten Island – it means nothing.  He sees this trip to Italy as “an international panty raid.”  Which is his way of saying that, while in Italy, he plans on studying how the female form has been represented in Italian sculpture from the Roman Empire through modern times.

Deena – Angelina’s replacement is as desperate for attention as ever.  She’s still trying to popularize and trademark her dumb catchphrases, like “I’m a blast in a glass!” and “This is a bad time.”  While in Italy, she hopes to learn the finer points of oenology (winemaking for you n00bs), so she can eventually start a vineyard and produce wine under the “Blast in a Glass” label.  [Holy shit, that’s actually a good idea.  Deena, you better not steal that, bitch.]

Vinny – Since the last season, Vinny grew a beard.  And thinks he’s hot shit because of it.  Uh, I think that’s about it…he’s still boring.  While in Italy, he hopes to learn how to speak better Italian and to get in touch with the culture and his roots.  No, snark here, that’s for real.  He’s the only one who seems to understand the wonderful opportunity these brats are getting.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the first two episodes.  While it’s no surprise that the people on the show are dumb, these episodes have exposed new levels of their collective stupidity.  Either that, or the producers convince them to be as dumb as shit.  Most likely, it’s a combination of the two.

You couldn't possibly fit any more douche into this picture.

On the first episode, the boys meet up to travel to Florence together, and the girls meet up to go as well.  All the while, each group is constantly saying how they have to get there before the other group.  Why didn’t MTV just have them get on the same plane?  The whole fabricated “we have to get there first” drama is so stupid and unnecessary.  Anyway, after much suspense, we see that the guys got there first – I know!  I don’t believe it either!

What about the girls?  They were shocked to learn that their plane didn’t land in Florence, but had a stopover in Dusseldorf, which I’m sure they all thought was a character from Lord of the Rings.  No, I take that back.  I don’t think any of these dumb bitches have read or seen Lord of the Rings.  Maybe if it was titled Lord of the Cockrings.  Otherwise, not a chance.

Back to the plane drama.  The gals make their connecting flight, but apparently the pilots made a bad mistake.  As the girls explain, they get off the plane and are in Milan, not Florence.  This is the perfect example of the “are they really this dumb vs. does MTV tell them to be this dumb” debate.  How can you be on a plane and not know which city it’s going to.  It says it on your ticket!  The pilot says it on the plane a million times!  So it’s hard to believe they didn’t know where they were going.  Then again, I’m sure they weren’t paying attention.  They were probably too busy trying to squeeze J-WOWW’s boobs into the seat and trying to find a high chair for Snooki.  Not to mention the trouble they had fitting all of Sammi’s emotional baggage in the overhead compartment.  Zing!

Eventually, they were all reunited at this beautiful mansion in Florence that they will inevitably tear apart.  Have I mentioned how much I hate these people?  Well, everyone except Snooki.

<3<3<3 So cute! <3<3<3

I don’t feel like doing a full recap of two episodes, so here are some of the highlights:

Mike is still a drama queen, bragging to everyone how he hooked up with Snooki despite her having a boyfriend.

Ronnie and Sammi saying over and over again that they’re not getting back together.  And then Sammi telling Ronnie she wants to get back together.

A conversation between two of the girls (not sure which ones since we only heard their voices), in which they walk past a random church in Florence and one asks if that’s the Vatican.  The other responded, “Yeah probably.”

Later on, the Situation said something about seeing the Vatican from a rooftop restaurant.  Vinny’s all like, “Uh, the Vatican is in Rome.  We’re in Florence.”  Seriously, how come only one person among the eight knows where the Vatican is???

Upon learning that they’re job will be working at a pizza place, J-WOWW gives a spiel about how when she’s 80, she’ll be teaching her kids how to make pizza, and that if they give her any lip about it, she’s gonna say, “I learned how to do this in Florence, bitches!”  Woww.  So many things wrong here.  Why will she be giving her kids a pizza-cooking lesson at the ripe old age of 80?  And she already knows that her kids won’t have any respect for her…even when they would presumably be in their 50s?  And I’m sure she has no clue that real Italian pizza comes from Naples, not Florence.

No, she's not surprised....that's just the Botox

Sammi holding up a plastic container of raspberries and saying, “These strawberries look funny.  What’s wrong with them?  Are these strawberries okay to eat like this?”  To which Deena, in a rare stroke of genius, responds, “They’re, like, raspberries.”

The crew going grocery shopping and lamenting how all the packaging is in a different language.

The Situation being shown receiving oral sex by some bimbo.  How did they get away with showing that?  And how do I sufficiently sanitize my eyes after watching it?

Finally, seeing Deena and Pauly D kiss.  So romantic, right?

Dear Italy, They're your problem now. Love, America

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