Posted tagged ‘guidos’

Movie Review: “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”

July 13, 2014

Two years ago, the Syfy network, purveyors of such cinematic classics as Sharktopus, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and Mongolian Death Worm, premiered its newest masterpiece, Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Somehow, I didn’t see this gem until last night. In all honestly, it was as bad as you would probably expect, but I did the dirty work of watching this literal horror show so you don’t have to.

The movie follows the wacky hijinks of a group of overtanned, oversexed 20-somethings living together in a house in Seaside Heights. If it sounds like MTV’s Jersey Shore, that was intentional – the main characters are directly inspired by the cast of that show: you have The Complication (The Situation), Nooki (Snooki), J-MONI (JWoww), Donnie (Ronnie), etc. And just like the show, they’re obsessed with drinking, fighting, sexing and creating their own stupid abbreviations; rather than GTL, the guys proclaim how they are going to go out for some ASS – Alcohol, Sun, and Sex.

And while our gang is just trying to have fun, there are some significant wrenches thrown into what is supposed to be a carefree summer at the Jersey Shore. Some real estate developer wants to create a luxury country club and displace the guido population, they get into some brawls with preppy rich kids, and, worst of all, there is a school of rabid albino sharks prowling the water. And that’s pretty much the entire plot. Oh yeah – I forgot about another aspect of the movie – everyone’s looking forward to the “big” 4th of July concert by former *NSYNCer Joey Fatone, who plays himself in the film. Don’t know how they dug him up – I guess JC Chasez must have been busy that day.

Anyway, the whole movie is like a bad combination of Jersey Shore and Jaws. Some scenes are even almost exact replications of scenes from the latter. Like when local fishermen catch a shark, though not necessarily the shark, and everyone thinks it’s safe to be in the water. Or when the police chief desperately tries to convince the mayor to close the beach on the 4th of July. But as Jaws itself was based on real New Jersey shark attacks (that occured in my hometown), I guess that can be forgiven. There are also elements of dumb high school shows like 90210 or Saved By the Bell; you have the rivalry with the preppy kids, the local hangout of Captain Sallie’s bar (akin to the Peach Pit or the Max) and Captain Sallie himself who serves as a mentor to the gang (just like Nat or Mr. Belding).

And then there are the effects, which I refuse to call special. These supposed blood-thirsty sharks are rendered as crappy CGI fish with faces that look like the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings. They even make the fake shark from Jaws look real. Moreover, the characters constantly refer to the sharks having red eyes – but the effects people obviously missed this detail. Also consider how our gang tries to kill the sharks by throwing fireworks at them – fireworks that somehow remain lit under water in some weird SpongeBob SquarePants type of logic.

No wonder the effects sucked; half the budget went to fake tanner and earrings.

When all this is combined with a cast of bad actors with over the top New York accents, a few too many Italian stereotype jokes and a cameo by Jersey Shore’s Vinnie (playing a news reporter as unconvincingly as you might expect), this movie just sucks. And no, not in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It sucks in that you find yourself rooting for the ugly CGI sharks to just eat the entire cast already. Unfortunately you have to wait two hours to see that they all survive.

Like this review? Check out my other movie reviews for Eddie and the Cruisers and Killer Klowns from Outer Space, or my recap of the classic Jersey Shore episode of South Park!

Advertisements

Age Progression Images of Snooki and Friends in 20 Years

June 12, 2012

Making her first appearance on this blog is Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil.  For those who don’t know about Tan Mom, this overly tan New Jersey woman was accused of taking her daughter into a tanning both with her. While that has yet to be proven, one thing we know for sure is that she goes tanning a bit too much.  But 20 years earlier, she was quite the looker.

After viewing these before and after pictures and seeing the drastic changes that excessive tanning has caused to this once attractive woman, it got me thinking about the cast of “Jersey Shore” and what they will look like in 20 years.  Using the most advanced age progression technology (Google image search and Microsoft Paint), I have created some images of what I think Snooki and friends will look like after two decades of tanning and partying. Enjoy!

.

Snooki

.

Paulie D.

(more…)

The Puzzling Jersey Shore Puzzle

May 12, 2012

Let’s face it – puzzles are boring.  And if there’s one thing worse than doing a puzzle, it’s reading about someone else doing a puzzle.  Except when the puzzle in question is a 300-piece portrait of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Things started out easy enough – I did the border first, just as they teach you in puzzle class.  But when it came to putting the cast together, I ran into some serious problems.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s pretty difficult trying to figure out which piece belongs to which person when they all have shiny orange skin, manicured nails, and way too much jewelry:

So, I had to continue working from the outside in; it was easier to follow the grain in the wall and the pattern of the carpet than to determine whose orange leg or greasy hair belonged to whom. The clothes helped a bit in putting these idiots together – purple dress for Sammi, leopard print for Deena, overly stretched out black pleather for Snooki.

Eventually everything came together and I was almost done with my masterpiece. I just had a few more pieces to fit in before I could call this puzzle finished.

After figuring out where to put Snooki’s wonky eye:

Pauly D’s scalp:

J-WOWW’s tits:

and Deena’s sexy cankle:

I have a finished puzzle!

Drinking the Jersey Shore

December 18, 2011

It tastes like burning...and Snooki

Due to a certain show on MTV, the Jersey Shore is more popular than ever.  To appease a public hungry for all things Jersey Shore and to capitalize on it, companies are selling anything related to the shore in one way or another.  So, this holiday season, you can buy the guido-wannabes in your life all sorts of Jersey Shore merchandise, like ornaments and perfume.  Just put the words “Jersey Shore” on something, and you’ll have a bunch of idiots willing to by it.

I am one of those idiots.

While at the liquor store the other night looking for something to bring to a Chanukah party, I saw a bumper-sticker-like Jersey Shore label stuck on a bottle of vodka.  Being the fanboy that I am, I snatched it up and brought it to the register without giving a second thought.  After taking it home, I realized that some things are worth deliberating.  Jersey Shore branded vodka is one of those things.

This Jersey Shore vodka has nothing to do with the MTV show of the same name.  It doesn’t really have much to do with the real Jersey Shore either.  Though the perimeter of the label is lined with the names of various party towns on the Jersey Shore, there is one glaring mistake.  Among all the locations known for their bars and crazy nightlife, like Seaside, Pt. Pleasant, Wildwood, and Belmar, appears Spring Lake, a town known for rich old people and little else.  Why Spring Lake would be included on a bottle of vodka is beyond me. (more…)

La Costa de Jersia Andere a Italia (or The Jersey Shore Goes to Italy)

August 16, 2011

America’s favorite overpaid, overexposed, and overdone white tan trash 20-somethings are back!  And in Italy!  Because it wasn’t enough that the rest of the country had to hate New Jersey, now the show gives reason for the rest of the world to hate the U.S!

So why Italy?  You know, because everyone in the cast always brags about how Italian they are.   Despite half of them having last names like Farley, Ortiz, and Pivarnick or having an Italian name but being of Chilean ancestry.  Whatever.  I’m Jewish and I’m confident that I know more about Italian culture than even the real Italian members of the cast do.

"Watch out, Italy, you's about ta get smushed!"

Now let’s check in and see what our favorite guidos and guidettes have been up to, and what they hope to get out of their free trip to Italy: (more…)

Jersey Shore Season 3 Recap

April 9, 2011

I had originally intended to recap each and every episode of MTV’s groundbreaking and highly influential show. However, I gave up half-way through the second season, which took place in Miami despite being called Jersey Shore. I apologize, but I’m sure you understand. As we all know, each episode was pretty much the same. Sammi and Ronnie fight and make up. Vinny, Pauly D, and Mike “The Situation” hook up with as many girls as possible. Angelina starts shit with everyone. J-WOWW dresses like a slut. Snooki does something adorable.

For the third season, the gang was back whoring it up in Seaside Heights. Though the season started out strong, it soon fizzled out. It’s sad, but these people have become caricatures of themselves and no longer seem that interesting. Even sadder, they are all celebrities now and make more in one year than I’ll probably make in my lifetime. All that aside, the show is still pretty entertaining. But if you haven’t been keeping up with it, let me fill you in on who/what went down this season (along with some great artwork by Jennifer Herd of bite.ca).

J-WOWW and Snooki

"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

Everyone’s favorite pickle-loving best-selling author (check out her first draft!) is still on her quest to find the perfect guido. Though Snooki makes no attempt to hide her feelings for her cast-mate Vinnie, there’s always some kind of drama keeping those two apart. Aside from the early episode where she got arrested for being drunk at the beach, our girl Snooks was pretty low-key this season. (more…)

ArmpitNJ.com Exclusive: Snooki’s First Draft!

March 6, 2011

In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, Snooki didn’t really write her much publicized debut novel, A Shore Thing.  Rather, she employed the use of a ghostwriter to do the grunt work for her.  So how much input did Snooki actually have in the book that credits her as the author?

We now know the answer.  Thanks to an old friend over at Simon & Shuster, I’ve got my hands on the only copy of Snooki’s original manuscript.  And I’m happy to share it with all of you.

Enjoy! (more…)