Drinking the Jersey Shore

It tastes like burning...and Snooki

Due to a certain show on MTV, the Jersey Shore is more popular than ever.  To appease a public hungry for all things Jersey Shore and to capitalize on it, companies are selling anything related to the shore in one way or another.  So, this holiday season, you can buy the guido-wannabes in your life all sorts of Jersey Shore merchandise, like ornaments and perfume.  Just put the words “Jersey Shore” on something, and you’ll have a bunch of idiots willing to by it.

I am one of those idiots.

While at the liquor store the other night looking for something to bring to a Chanukah party, I saw a bumper-sticker-like Jersey Shore label stuck on a bottle of vodka.  Being the fanboy that I am, I snatched it up and brought it to the register without giving a second thought.  After taking it home, I realized that some things are worth deliberating.  Jersey Shore branded vodka is one of those things.

This Jersey Shore vodka has nothing to do with the MTV show of the same name.  It doesn’t really have much to do with the real Jersey Shore either.  Though the perimeter of the label is lined with the names of various party towns on the Jersey Shore, there is one glaring mistake.  Among all the locations known for their bars and crazy nightlife, like Seaside, Pt. Pleasant, Wildwood, and Belmar, appears Spring Lake, a town known for rich old people and little else.  Why Spring Lake would be included on a bottle of vodka is beyond me.

Turning around the bottle, it started to make sense.  The company that produces it is located in Philadelphia, which, last time I checked, was in Pennsylvania.  And though the front of the bottle proclaims it to be “Extra Premium,” the only details we’re provided with is that this Jersey Shore vodka was “Distilled from grain.”  And that’s really all the details you get.  There’s no other text on the bottle.  No story about how Jersey Shore Vodka came to be.  No suggestions for partying it up Jersey Shore style.  No recipes or anything else.  Just a label with the words “Jersey Shore” and an ill-advised list of shore party towns.

But enough about the bottle.  How does Jersey Shore vodka taste?  I’d have to wait for the Chanukah party to find out.  The day soon came and after getting drunk on latkes and brisket, it was time to get drunk on something else.  A few of us decided to take a shot.  Now you’d think Jersey Shore vodka would taste like the Jersey Shore – a distinct mix of saltwater, latex, stale beer, cold pizza, tanning oil, and sweat.  And how did Jersey Shore vodka taste?  Like vodka.  Cheap vodka to be precise.

And then it struck me.  I finally understood the connection.  Jersey Shore vodka left me with a stinging feeling in my throat and the rest of my body, and I had immediately regretted taking the shot.  And if a night at the Jersey Shore doesn’t leave you with a burning sensation and an overwhelming sense of regret, then you haven’t been to the Jersey Shore.

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