Archive for the ‘politics’ category

A Trumpian World Atlas

October 1, 2017

Atlas - 2

As we all know, our glorious leader was busy spending his weekend playing golf in the Armpit of America, rather than focusing on the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico. That’s not to say he totally ignored the hurricane-devastated island, though – after all, in between holes, he took the time to insult the mayor of San Juan for trying to get her government’s help.

To be fair, I think we can all assume Trump simply didn’t know that Puerto Rico is part of the United States. But at least he knows it’s an island! That’s right, just like some second-grader who just learned what an island is, our glorious leader enlightened the world with this quote when speaking about Puerto Rico:

“This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.”

Yes, he literally said that. The best words indeed! Anyway, it got me thinking how he would describe other geographical features. Fortunately, I happen to be in possession of the elusive Rand McTrumpy World Atlas, and I’m happy to share some entries from it!

peninsula

 

Peninsula: “Most people think a peninsula is an island. I know the fake news media want you to think it’s an island. But a peninsula is a piece of land surrounded by water on many sides. Many sides. Not on all sides, mind you. But many, many sides.”

 

isthmus

 

Isthmus: “An isthmus – hard to pronounce, I know – is a thin piece of land connecting two bigger pieces of land. Kind of like how my daughter Ivanka has a perfect isthmus of flesh connecting her beautiful chest to her nice hips. She has perfect hips.”


IMG_2172

Black Sea: “I have a great relationship with the Black Sea. But let’s face it. It’s full of thugs. Maybe not as many thugs as there are in Chicago. But still a lot. In fact, it’s so full of thugs that the whitefish don’t even want to swim there anymore.”

 

 

glacier

 

Glacier: “A cold, slow-moving mass of ice and dirt that leaves a path of destruction as it cuts through the land. Kind of like Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Only much nicer to look at – believe me!”

 

 

Sout America

 

South America: “All of the states in the southern U.S. that voted for Trump. Of course, the Democrats and the dishonest media don’t like to talk about this, but did you know I won Alabama by 28 points? And Florida. Very, very hard for a Republican to win Florida. But I won it.”

 

 

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So Chris Christie Went to the Beach…

July 4, 2017

Oh, Chris Christie. How the mighty have fallen. At one time he was celebrated for being a Republican twice elected governor of a blue state and considered a shoe-in to be the GOP presidential nominee. Then, that whole plan of his to close the George Washington bridge to punish a mayor who didn’t support him comes to light. Then, he finds that whatever appeal he once had in the Armpit of America didn’t extend beyond the state, resulting in his dismal performance in the primaries. Then, he drops out and awkwardly supports the eventual President, hoping to be appointed Vice President, Attorney General or even Secretary of Transportation (he does know a lot about bridges, after all). But none of that happened – he still remains governor of New Jersey.

Obviously growing bored and disillusioned with that job, Christie has mentally checked out. And that may explain his clear lack of judgment in the whole “let me close the state-run beaches to everyone but myself on the busiest weekend of the summer” thing. While you may point fingers at Christie or the Democratic-led legislature for the budget stalemate that led to the state shutdown, the real reason for the beach closures has nothing to do with that.

Apparently, Christie is terrified about his future. Rightfully so; who would hire a washed up governor with a historically dismal 15% approval rating once his term is over in January? So he tried to secure whatever job he could, tapping whatever resources he could find. And the solution? Well, you can say goodbye to Chris Christie the politician, and give a warm welcome to Kris Kristie, the newest reality TV star!

Kris Kristie

Kris Kristie – because apparently you need the initials “K.K.” to be famous these days.

That’s right, in a recently inked deal with MTV, a rebranded Chris Christie and his family will star in a show about a bunch of rich, spoiled people who live at the beach and cause all kind of ruckus for their small Jersey Shore town. If that sounds familiar and like something that’s been done before, you’re absolutely right – this is MTV after all.

So anyway, the whole thing about closing the beaches had nothing to do with the state budget – they were actually filming the pilot and needed a closed set. Oh, and in case you were wondering what this show will be called, it’s name is “Son of a Beach.” As if there was any other option.

Son of a Beach

His version of GTL? Grift, tax and [money] laundering.

Some New Jersey “Nursery Rhymes”

September 24, 2016

New Jersey is home to so many heroes and villains, myths and monsters, making it the perfect inspiration for nursery rhymes! Here are my attempts to memorialize the Armpit of America in nursery rhyme form.

Please note: I don’t recommend actually reading these to kids, especially that last one…

 

A Man Named Christie

There once was a man named Christie
Who ruled his state with an iron fist-y
His temper would erupt
And his actions, corrupt
But deep down, he was just a big sissy.

 

Always Second Best

This is the story of a boy named Jon
Last name, Jovi – his middle name, Bon
He left his small New Jersey town
Trying to become the best singer around

So he put together a band and grew his hair real big
And soon he was getting gig after gig
He wanted to be the biggest star from his state
Anything less than that, he would hate

Little Jon made the charts with many a song
About working class heroes and girls who done him wrong
But there was someone who did this all much better
From his shadow, Jon couldn’t get unfettered

Against this man, he counted many a loss
How could he ever win against a guy called The Boss?
Try as he might, his songs were never as good
And he started to wonder if give up music he should

But his career is nothing to laugh at or reason to be sad
Anyone with his success should certainly be glad
And as he stood there on stage in his black leather vest,
Jon thought to himself, “Maybe it’s not so bad, to be second best”

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In Defense of Chris Christie

January 10, 2014
chris-christie-is-on-the-cover-of-time-as-the-master-of-disaster

Don’t mind the creepy mugshot – he has to be innocent!

For the few of you that haven’t heard, Chris Christie is in some deep trouble. Apparently, he’s accused of retaliating against the mayor of Fort Lee who didn’t endorse him in the last election by having caused a traffic jam in his town back in September. But while many respectable news sources have immediately blamed the Governor, asserting that he knew about this scandal all along, I think they are rushing to point the finger. As Chris Christie is a levelheaded man of respect, who would never be so brash or arrogant, I refuse to believe that he had anything to do with this mess!

Let’s look at the facts, which fail to suggest any connection between Christie and the decision to close the ramps to the George Washington Bridge. Sure, the decision was made by his Deputy Chief of Staff, but it’s not like it was his real Chief of Staff who did it! Blaming him for what the Deputy Chief of Staff did, or trying to say that he should have known what she was up to, is ridiculous. Everyone knows the Deputy Chief of Staff is lower on the totem pole than an intern! And, of course, just because she decided to have the bridge closed, doesn’t mean that the Port Authority that manages the bridge had to do it. I mean, it takes two to tango. And sure, just because the guy in charge of the New Jersey side of the Port Authority just happened to be an old high school friend of Mr. Christie doesn’t mean anything either. What reason would he have to protect someone he’s known most of his life and actually appointed him to his job?

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Best New Jersey Themed T-Shirt Ever!

August 28, 2012

Just a quickie here about my new favorite T-shirt.  I picked this baby up at True Jersey Supply Co. here in Belmar, where you can get a whole bunch of Jersey merchandise – even a porkroll-scented candle (which smells as bad as it sounds).  Anyway, here it is:

Now, Chris Christie and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on a number of issues.  And I know making fun of his weight has gotten old and tired.  But strangely, I see this T-shirt as rising above all that political nonsense and the superficial comments on his weight.  It simply conveys what a pugnacious tough-ass our governor is.  Maybe it’s my inner Jersey trashy side talking, but I kinda respect that about him.  And, fat or not, he can indeed kick any other governor’s ass (especially since Jesse Venture is no longer in charge of Minnesota!).

In an ironic twist of fate, this medium shirt proved to be anything but.  After I put it on, I looked like an overstuffed sausage, allowing me to further identify with our overstuffed governor.

My New Favorite Joke About New Jersey

May 5, 2012

Last weekend, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. During his speech/standup act, he picked on a bunch of political figures, making the same old tired jokes everyone’s heard before: teasing Obama about his big ears, joking about  Bill Clinton’s womanizing, and questioning Joe Biden’s intelligence.  And as is required with any political comedy act, he made fun of Chris Christie’s weight.

Even I’ll admit that joking about our governor’s weight is not only getting tired, it can be mean – and Kimmel’s first joke was a tad too much. For those interested, he said something about how inside each governor is a president waiting to get out – in Christie’s case you can still hear him screaming.  But after that cheap shot, he said something genius.

He suggested that Christie was confused and thought New Jersey’s nickname was the Olive Garden State.  Okay, maybe it’s not the best joke ever, but I think it works on so many levels, beyond just making fun of our governor’s girth. Drive past any of the many strip malls on the many highways in the Armpit of America and you’re bound to see an Olive Garden or three.  Aside from that, Olive Garden serves its patrons faux-Italian food, just like the many faux-Italian people calling this state home. And just like olives have a nasty stench, so does this state.

You can check out the whole Chris Christie thing below – starts at about 1:45:

Our Fame-Hungry Governor Meets His Match(es)

May 10, 2011

"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new.  So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.

When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things.  Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day.  The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds.  But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.

It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno.  The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there.  It’s pretty nauseating.  But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.

This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it.  Notice anything funny about it?  Like how the whole thing seems completely staged?  That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears?  And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.”  When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was.  It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.

And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!”  The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold.  Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”  I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old?  I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. (more…)