Some New Jersey “Nursery Rhymes”

New Jersey is home to so many heroes and villains, myths and monsters, making it the perfect inspiration for nursery rhymes! Here are my attempts to memorialize the Armpit of America in nursery rhyme form.

Please note: I don’t recommend actually reading these to kids, especially that last one…

 

A Man Named Christie

There once was a man named Christie
Who ruled his state with an iron fist-y
His temper would erupt
And his actions, corrupt
But deep down, he was just a big sissy.

 

Always Second Best

This is the story of a boy named Jon
Last name, Jovi – his middle name, Bon
He left his small New Jersey town
Trying to become the best singer around

So he put together a band and grew his hair real big
And soon he was getting gig after gig
He wanted to be the biggest star from his state
Anything less than that, he would hate

Little Jon made the charts with many a song
About working class heroes and girls who done him wrong
But there was someone who did this all much better
From his shadow, Jon couldn’t get unfettered

Against this man, he counted many a loss
How could he ever win against a guy called The Boss?
Try as he might, his songs were never as good
And he started to wonder if give up music he should

But his career is nothing to laugh at or reason to be sad
Anyone with his success should certainly be glad
And as he stood there on stage in his black leather vest,
Jon thought to himself, “Maybe it’s not so bad, to be second best”

 

The Troll on the Bridge

Away to the city we go, we go
The GWB is our way
But the traffic is moving too slow, too slow
What could be wrong on this day?

We haven’t moved an inch in an hour, an hour
Must be some kind of fuss
Our moods are starting to sour, to sour
Said every car, truck and bus.

It is then that we see him: a troll, a troll
Being stubborn as an ass
“Blocking traffic is my goal, my goal,
AND YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

Why do such a thing, such a thing,
As shutting down poor Fort Lee?
You, mean troll, are not a king, not a king
What could your reason be?

“Well, Chris Christie is my name, my name
And I do whatever I want
Political retribution is my game, my game
And I choose this bridge to haunt

So I will keep you all in this cage, this cage
To get back at your mayor
All the world’s a stage, a stage
And you are merely players”

You can’t do this, it’s not fair, not fair
Your judgment day will come
You won’t get away with this nightmare, nightmare
This war you will not have won

“Go ahead and try you fools, you fools,
Your attempts will only fail
I’ve rewritten all the rules, the rules
I will certainly prevail!”

And so we lost this battle, this battle
With no way to get across
We’re still sitting here like cattle, like cattle
The car is starting to grow moss

So we decide to just swim it, swim it
Swim past the troll, all clear
And thank the lord for term limits, term limits
We have this troll for just one more year

 

Pirates at the Jersey Shore

Avast ye children and listen to me tale
Not about plunderin’ or storms or fightin’ a whale
This story is filled with much more blood and gore –
‘Tis ‘bout me time spent at the Jersey Shore

We’ll take a vacation at the beach, me crew and I thought
A break from piratin’ would do us good, it ought
Land Ho! The lookout cried as we brought our ship to dock
And disembarked to the noise of the seagull’s squawk

We walked to the house we a’planned to rent
And soon regretted the doubloons we a’spent
This house was way smaller than what we’d thought it a’be
That was the last time we rented through Aaargghh-bnb

But three men to a bed is nothin’ new for us
And many a’time we have slept this way thus
So we got ready to hit up the beach and swim in the sea
And test out the waters of the land called Jersey

As we a’trudged through the sand we saw many a’thing
Like cigarette butts and tampon string
Such a dirty place not fit for a scurvy dog
So we went back home and drank us some grog.

That night we prepared to visit the pubs
And try to land us some women at the clubs
Now I’ve been to many a’port and seen many a’whore
But nothin’ compares to those at the Jersey Shore

I see a short one with orange skin and hair up to the sky
So loud and obnoxious, me don’t know why
Like some horrible creature from Neptune’s down under
That be one booty, this pirate won’t plunder

Me mates had no luck with women either
They didn’t want to touch none of them neither
As pirates we be exposed to many a’disease
But draw the line at crabs and herpes

So we head to the bar to get us some rum
Makin’ our way through all the scum
Eight dollars apiece for watered down drinks?
We’ve been cheated and a’swindled methinks!

‘Tis then that a fight breaks out between some guys
And me crew and I can’t believe our eyes
Big as giants and spiky hair on their heads
Scared straight we went a’home to our beds

We left the next morning at dawn’s a’light
Never before had we seen such a fright
Tough pirates we thought we be
But nothin’ prepared us for New Jersey

That wraps up me salty tale
Now it’s time again to go a’sail.
And now, me hearties, you know why
When we see the Jersey Shore, we pass on by

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