Posted tagged ‘politics’

So Chris Christie Went to the Beach…

July 4, 2017

Oh, Chris Christie. How the mighty have fallen. At one time he was celebrated for being a Republican twice elected governor of a blue state and considered a shoe-in to be the GOP presidential nominee. Then, that whole plan of his to close the George Washington bridge to punish a mayor who didn’t support him comes to light. Then, he finds that whatever appeal he once had in the Armpit of America didn’t extend beyond the state, resulting in his dismal performance in the primaries. Then, he drops out and awkwardly supports the eventual President, hoping to be appointed Vice President, Attorney General or even Secretary of Transportation (he does know a lot about bridges, after all). But none of that happened – he still remains governor of New Jersey.

Obviously growing bored and disillusioned with that job, Christie has mentally checked out. And that may explain his clear lack of judgment in the whole “let me close the state-run beaches to everyone but myself on the busiest weekend of the summer” thing. While you may point fingers at Christie or the Democratic-led legislature for the budget stalemate that led to the state shutdown, the real reason for the beach closures has nothing to do with that.

Apparently, Christie is terrified about his future. Rightfully so; who would hire a washed up governor with a historically dismal 15% approval rating once his term is over in January? So he tried to secure whatever job he could, tapping whatever resources he could find. And the solution? Well, you can say goodbye to Chris Christie the politician, and give a warm welcome to Kris Kristie, the newest reality TV star!

Kris Kristie

Kris Kristie – because apparently you need the initials “K.K.” to be famous these days.

That’s right, in a recently inked deal with MTV, a rebranded Chris Christie and his family will star in a show about a bunch of rich, spoiled people who live at the beach and cause all kind of ruckus for their small Jersey Shore town. If that sounds familiar and like something that’s been done before, you’re absolutely right – this is MTV after all.

So anyway, the whole thing about closing the beaches had nothing to do with the state budget – they were actually filming the pilot and needed a closed set. Oh, and in case you were wondering what this show will be called, it’s name is “Son of a Beach.” As if there was any other option.

Son of a Beach

His version of GTL? Grift, tax and [money] laundering.

Some New Jersey “Nursery Rhymes”

September 24, 2016

New Jersey is home to so many heroes and villains, myths and monsters, making it the perfect inspiration for nursery rhymes! Here are my attempts to memorialize the Armpit of America in nursery rhyme form.

Please note: I don’t recommend actually reading these to kids, especially that last one…

 

A Man Named Christie

There once was a man named Christie
Who ruled his state with an iron fist-y
His temper would erupt
And his actions, corrupt
But deep down, he was just a big sissy.

 

Always Second Best

This is the story of a boy named Jon
Last name, Jovi – his middle name, Bon
He left his small New Jersey town
Trying to become the best singer around

So he put together a band and grew his hair real big
And soon he was getting gig after gig
He wanted to be the biggest star from his state
Anything less than that, he would hate

Little Jon made the charts with many a song
About working class heroes and girls who done him wrong
But there was someone who did this all much better
From his shadow, Jon couldn’t get unfettered

Against this man, he counted many a loss
How could he ever win against a guy called The Boss?
Try as he might, his songs were never as good
And he started to wonder if give up music he should

But his career is nothing to laugh at or reason to be sad
Anyone with his success should certainly be glad
And as he stood there on stage in his black leather vest,
Jon thought to himself, “Maybe it’s not so bad, to be second best”

(more…)

In Defense of Chris Christie

January 10, 2014
chris-christie-is-on-the-cover-of-time-as-the-master-of-disaster

Don’t mind the creepy mugshot – he has to be innocent!

For the few of you that haven’t heard, Chris Christie is in some deep trouble. Apparently, he’s accused of retaliating against the mayor of Fort Lee who didn’t endorse him in the last election by having caused a traffic jam in his town back in September. But while many respectable news sources have immediately blamed the Governor, asserting that he knew about this scandal all along, I think they are rushing to point the finger. As Chris Christie is a levelheaded man of respect, who would never be so brash or arrogant, I refuse to believe that he had anything to do with this mess!

Let’s look at the facts, which fail to suggest any connection between Christie and the decision to close the ramps to the George Washington Bridge. Sure, the decision was made by his Deputy Chief of Staff, but it’s not like it was his real Chief of Staff who did it! Blaming him for what the Deputy Chief of Staff did, or trying to say that he should have known what she was up to, is ridiculous. Everyone knows the Deputy Chief of Staff is lower on the totem pole than an intern! And, of course, just because she decided to have the bridge closed, doesn’t mean that the Port Authority that manages the bridge had to do it. I mean, it takes two to tango. And sure, just because the guy in charge of the New Jersey side of the Port Authority just happened to be an old high school friend of Mr. Christie doesn’t mean anything either. What reason would he have to protect someone he’s known most of his life and actually appointed him to his job?

(more…)

My New Favorite Joke About New Jersey

May 5, 2012

Last weekend, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. During his speech/standup act, he picked on a bunch of political figures, making the same old tired jokes everyone’s heard before: teasing Obama about his big ears, joking about  Bill Clinton’s womanizing, and questioning Joe Biden’s intelligence.  And as is required with any political comedy act, he made fun of Chris Christie’s weight.

Even I’ll admit that joking about our governor’s weight is not only getting tired, it can be mean – and Kimmel’s first joke was a tad too much. For those interested, he said something about how inside each governor is a president waiting to get out – in Christie’s case you can still hear him screaming.  But after that cheap shot, he said something genius.

He suggested that Christie was confused and thought New Jersey’s nickname was the Olive Garden State.  Okay, maybe it’s not the best joke ever, but I think it works on so many levels, beyond just making fun of our governor’s girth. Drive past any of the many strip malls on the many highways in the Armpit of America and you’re bound to see an Olive Garden or three.  Aside from that, Olive Garden serves its patrons faux-Italian food, just like the many faux-Italian people calling this state home. And just like olives have a nasty stench, so does this state.

You can check out the whole Chris Christie thing below – starts at about 1:45:

Our Fame-Hungry Governor Meets His Match(es)

May 10, 2011

"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new.  So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.

When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things.  Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day.  The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds.  But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.

It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno.  The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there.  It’s pretty nauseating.  But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.

This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it.  Notice anything funny about it?  Like how the whole thing seems completely staged?  That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears?  And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.”  When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was.  It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.

And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!”  The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold.  Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”  I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old?  I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. (more…)

Would You Vote Chris Christie for President?

March 24, 2011

Hard to believe, but people are already focusing on the 2012 presidential election, and there’s a lot of talk about whether New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will run or not.  Though he has stated repeatedly that he has no interest in running  for president—or on a treadmill—many people are trying to convince him to do so.  While he hasn’t done much for the Armpit of America, other than take away funding from public schools and scrap plans for a much-needed new train system, he is surprisingly better than the other potential Republican candidates thought to be running.  I mean, Newt Gingrich?  Donald Trump?  MICHELE BACHMANN???

"My first presidential appointee: Paula Deen as White House Executive Chef"

I, for one, would greatly fear a potential Christie presidency.  Just think about it.  He’d probably reverse all of the progress Michelle Obama has made in her crusade against childhood obesity.  And I’m sure he would replace her White House vegetable garden with a hot dog cart.  Then again, William Taft would finally receive redemption as he would no longer be the fattest president.

Another concern I have is his how the rest of the world would view this country under the leadership of a “President Christie.”  Sounds kinda wimpy doesn’t it?  The president of the most powerful nation in the world with such a girlie name?  Heck, even “President Hilary” sounds more threatening.  Can you imagine what Ahmadinejad and Gaddafi would do to a President Christie?  On the other hand, his unfortunate name may lead to a newfound understanding between us and North Korea. I hear Kim Jong Il is pretty sensitive about his feminine name – hence all the nuclear missile threats and stuff.

Still, should he run, I will not be voting for Chris Christie.   How about you?

Chris Christie Is Still A Scumbag!

December 18, 2010

Governor Chris "William Taft" Christie

I know I haven’t updated in a while, so this will be a quick and easy update. And what could be easier than making fun of Chris Christie, our double-named, double-stuffed governor?

So let’s take a look at some of the things he’s done lately:

He decided to cancel the building of a new rail tunnel linking New Jersey to Manhattan. This project had been in the works for a long time and had plenty of potential benefits. It would put more trains on the ground, lessoning the burden of the overcrowded trains we have now. With more trains, there would be less people driving, helping with that whole climate change deal. And the new stations and stops and whatnot would draw more people to live in the state. (Yeah, we already have more than enough, but they would all be in North Jersey, so it wouldn’t bother me.)

Now, I know there is a somewhat valid reason for why he canceled the project – it was turning out to cost way more than expected. Still, isn’t that the case with any major undertaking? And wouldn’t the benefits of building that tunnel eventually make up for the extra costs? Whatever. I guess that’s the price to pay for having a fiscally conservative governor.  Or so he claims to be fiscally conservative.

A couple months ago, it was discovered that someone in his administration made a tiny clerical error that caused New Jersey to miss out on $400 million in grant money for our education system. Yes. New Jersey lost the opportunity to add not $4 million, not $40 million, but $400 million to help educate our children. So what does Chris Christie do? He blames Obama. It wasn’t until video evidence emerged of someone from the Obama administration pointing out that they were missing a page of the application that Christie admitted responsibility. Though he fired the education commissioner who made the guffaw, many of us were wishing he’d fire himself. Fat chance. (more…)