Posted tagged ‘politics’

New Jersey’s Own Governator

September 28, 2010

Our governor can kick your governor’s ass…but ours has the bigger target.

While I don’t think too highly of Chris Christie, New Jersey’s redundantly named governor, he did something pretty badass the other day while throwing his weight around in the national political arena.  At a campaign event for Meg Whitman, who’s running to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor of California, a guy in the audience started heckling the candidate.  You can’t really hear it in the video, but the guy apparently said that Ms. Whitman looks like Mr. Schwarzenegger in a dress.  Ha!

Anyway, Mr. Christie wasn’t about to let some crybaby liberal insult his fellow bloodsucking republican.  He got out of his chair, waddled over to the heckler, and stared him down like an angry buffalo.  He then yelled at the guy, saying how people like him are what’s dividing this country.  You can see the video here.

Now, I could go on rant about how screwed up his policies are, but I’ll hold back for now.  Especially since now I have to live in fear that if I ever say anything bad about him, Chris Christie will stampede his way over to my house, wag his sausage-like finger in my face, and lecture me.  So instead, let’s just think about Arnold Schwarzenegger in a dress:

New Poll Shows What We Already Know

June 20, 2010

In what should be a surprise to absolutely no one, people hate living in New Jersey. According to a new Quinnipiac survey, 75% of residents of the Armpit of America are unhappy with life in the state. And how many of us Jersey residents are happy here? A mere 2%.

After reading about this survey, I was pretty shocked. Not by the results, obviously. Rather, I was surprised that the folks over at Quinnipiac actually spent the time and effort to find out what the whole world already knows. Then again, as the Quinnipiac survey is located in Connecticut, I suppose the staffers were tired of sitting in their mansions and counting money and decided to make a less fortunate state feel worse about itself.

The survey wasn’t just about whether New Jerseyans are satisfied with the state or not. Participants were also asked about their opinions of our shady governor, the redundantly named Chris Christie. Apparently, but not surprisingly, the majority of the state disagrees with Christie’s policies. Of course, who would agree with his plans to drastically cut funding for public schools, shut down state-run mental hospitals, and lay-off a bunch of state employees? A vast majority also disagrees with his decision to veto the state legislature’s “millionaire’s tax,” which would result in a whole lot of much needed money for the state.

So why exactly is Christie doing all of these things that go against what his constituents want? It’s pretty clear to me. Less money for education means a dumber population. Shutting down psychiatric hospitals means more crazy people on the loose. No millionaire’s tax means all the rich people in the state will love him. And with more uneducated and crazy people in the state, and a bunch of satisfied millionaires, Chris Christie is clearly building a coalition to ensure reelection to a second term in three years.

As he gets to do whatever he wants as governor, I’m sure Chris Christie is a pretty happy guy. Too bad his happiness comes at the expense of the very people he’s in charge of governing.

State vs. State: Idaho

May 7, 2010

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these State vs. State entries. For this one, I’m comparing New Jersey to the great mediocre state of Idaho! Though I had originally intended to start out with those states closest to the Armpit of America, I realized that strategy would leave me with a whole bunch of big, blocky, boring states out west. To prevent this from happening, I figured I might as well get a head start.  So I decided to go with the most boring of all.

"Esto Perpetua" - Latin for "This state sucks!"

Let’s start by discussing Idaho’s most famous, if not only, export. The potato. Everyone seems to make a big deal about Idaho potatoes, but are they really that much better than potatoes grown anywhere else? I highly doubt it. Besides, who would even be able to tell anyway? I mean, no one eats a potato straight up. We fry them, mash them, cover them with butter, sour cream, cheese, and bacon. It doesn’t matter where a potato is grown; they just serve as a base for salt and grease.

New Jersey’s produce, on the other hand, is something special; we aren’t called the Garden State for nothing. Though people may mock the fact that such a disgusting state has a nickname like that, it is well deserved. New Jersey’s corn and tomatoes are legendary. And they can be eaten on their own, unlike those overrated and worthless Idaho potatoes. (more…)

Chris Christie Is A Scumbag

March 27, 2010

Apparently one of the hippos from Camden’s Adventure Aquarium broke loose and is now running amok in the Armpit of America.  Oh wait, that’s just our governor, Chris Christie.  Though he has only been in office for about two months, he has already fucked things up.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious. (Photo by The Star Ledger)

Christie’s master plan to improve the budget involves cutting funding to all of New Jersey’s school districts.  Some districts are facing cuts of up to 64% of their budgets.  Who knows how many teachers, assistants, and secretaries will lose their jobs because of these cuts.  Faculty members of schools across the state (including this author’s mother) have already received layoff notices.  But it is the kids who will undoubtedly see a decrease in the quality of their education who are the real victims here. (more…)

In Case You Didn’t Know, NJ is Corrupt

March 14, 2010

In light of all the drama going on with the political landscape in New York, Newsweek recently put together a list of the most corrupt states in the country.  This should be no surprise to anyone, but New Jersey made this elite list of seven states.  Newsweek’s Andrew Romano, who hails from the Armpit of America, wrote a very nice summary of our state’s tendency to put only the most disgraceful politicians in office.

Romano discusses New Jersey’s first colonial governor, Lord Cornbury.  Aside from the funny name, Lord Cornbury was a nepotistic, bribe-taking cross-dresser.  Romano also mentions that gay sex scandal involving former governor Jim McGreevey.  The author then touches on the FBI bust that caught a group of rabbis and state officials trafficking human organs and fake Gucci purses.  Yes, you read that correctly.

I suggest reading the whole article to get an even broader sense of the level of corruption that has always plagued the Armpit of America.  Though the other states in the article (New York, Louisiana, Illinois, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and Ohio) may be corrupt, none can top my beloved New Jersey.

State vs. State: Pennsylvania

February 9, 2010

After proving beyond any doubt how New Jersey is so much better than Delaware, I have my sights set on the Armpit of America’s western neighbor. While comparing Delaware to New Jersey was obviously pretty easy, proving that my state is better than Pennsylvania may be a little trickier. But let’s give it a try.

When one hears the word “Pennsylvania,” there are a few images that come to mind: the green patchwork of farmland, the quaint little towns, and the beautiful mountains and valleys. Well, newsflash: New Jersey has all these things too. Big deal, right? Well New Jersey is like one quarter the size of Pennsylvania, so all of our farmland, quaint towns, and mountains are all within an hour or so drive of each other. Compare that with the over 5 hours it takes to drive from one end of Pennsylvania to the other.

Which brings me to the next point. Just look at the two states on a map. New Jersey is shaped like a voluptuous woman, drawing you in like a siren. On top of that, the girlish figure of our state is all natural, for the most part. Aside from the northeastern border with New York, New Jersey’s boundaries are all formed by water. And how is Pennsylvania shaped? Like a boring rectangle with a misplaced wedge on top. What other state has a stupid wedge on top?? Only Pennsylvania.

They obviously didn't have enough room for Pennsylvania's official slogan: "Virtue, Liberty, Independence, and Stupid Wedges"

The story behind that odd wedge is yet another reason to make fun of the state. Originally, that sliver of land belonged to New York. Since it stretched all the way to Ohio, poor Pennsylvania didn’t have access to Lake Erie. So the crybaby people of that state did what they still do best: whine until they get their way. So they finally got their connection to the Great Lakes, but at the cost of having a misshapen wedge at the top of the state. (more…)

Weed in the Garden State

January 12, 2010

Put that in your pipe and smoke it - legally!

After disappointingly rejecting same sex marriage last week, yesterday, the New Jersey state legislature actually realized we’re not living in the 1950s anymore. They took some progressive action and voted in favor of legalizing marijuana in the Armpit of America.

Now before you all go and smoke up, there are quite a few restrictions. The bill that got approved, and which outgoing Jon Corzine promised to sign, only allows the stuff to be used for serious medical conditions. According to this article, the only people who will be allowed to purchase marijuana are those with diseases causing them “chronic pain, nausea, seizures, muscle spasms or wasting syndrome.” That’s funny, I though you only get chronic pain and wasting syndrome AFTER smoking pot.

New Jersey is hardly a leader in this realm, since it is the 14th state to legalize marijuana. But, at least it is a step in the right direction. Though I am not a pothead by any means, the positive effects of marijuana on sick people is pretty much proven. So why should they have to sneak around to get something that can make them feel better? And why should they be charged as criminals for using something that can make the pain go away?

Anyway, the bill that got approved is the strictest of all 14 states that allow medicinal marijuana. While other states allow people with “high stress or anxiety” to qualify, none of those bullshit diseases will be enough to let you legally buy some weed. I guess that’s for the best, though. If everyone suffering from stress or anxiety in this shithole of a state could get marijuana, I don’t think all the Wawas and QuickCheks in New Jersey could keep up with the demand for Cheetos and Zebra Cakes.

All joking aside, the legislature of New Jersey finally did something right. A lot of people suffering from debilitating diseases can now get the relief they deserve, without being labeled as criminals for doing so.