Archive for the ‘NJ Personalities’ category

Central Jersey – It Does Exist!

June 25, 2018

I am proud to be a resident of Central Jersey, the middle stretch of the Armpit of America. Though some would say it doesn’t even exist, that’s a bunch of nonsense. Not only is it real, it’s the best part of the state.

For one, people here don’t have accents. Many of those in North Jersey have obnoxious New York accents. And many in South Jersey have different, but no less obnoxious, Philadelphia accents. And in the more rural parts of both the North and South, people have traditional Southern accents somehow. But in Central Jersey, there’s no such thing. We say our words how they’re meant to be pronounced. No “New Yawk Pawt Authawrity” as they say in the North, and no “hooome” or “phooooone” as you might hear in the Southern part of the state.

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Key to Map: Green = Central Jersey. Not Green = Not Central Jersey.

As our brethren to the North and South continue to debate about the right words for certain things, Central Jersey often casts the impartial deciding vote. When it comes to the “subs” of the North vs. the  “hoagies” of the South, we’re Team North all the way. (After all, “hoagie” is the most revolting word in the English language and should never be associated with food). Speaking of revolting food, we’re Team South on the “pork roll” vs. “Taylor ham” debate, calling it pork roll. (Although, “tailored ham” would be a more accurate name for New Jersey’s favorite mystery meat product.)

One question that always gets brought up when discussing this subject: where is Central Jersey? In my perspective, Central Jersey is made up of all of Monmouth and Mercer Counties, the southern portions of Middlesex and Somerset Counties, and the northern part of Ocean County. And maybe we can throw in some other parts of the bordering counties, as long as they swear off their annoying habits.

The great debate about the central part of our state was recently given national attention on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.” The host sat down with Phil Murphy, our state’s new governor and Central Jersey resident. Like any politician, he tried not to take sides, referring to “Taylor pork,” and refusing to weigh in on the sub/hoagie thing. But it was still an entertaining interview, like when Colbert asks Murphy what town he’s from, and consistent with his middle-of-the-road approach to the interview, he responds albeit truthfully, with: “Middletown.” Then Colbert asks if Central Jersey is a mystical place like Narnia. I’d say it’s more Middle Earth – that would have been the perfect answer.

The one thing I don’t like about the video is the part with Jon Stewart at the end. Yes, he’s from Central Jersey as well, but I just don’t understand why the former host of a show on Comedy Central is venerated as a god by so many. Sure, he gave Colbert his start and all that, but if you really wanted someone to weigh in on the subject, it would have been much better to get a Central Jersey resident worthy of more respect and admiration. Like how great would it have been if instead of that bullshit with Jon Stewart as the Supreme Chief Justice of New Jersey, they had Phil Murphy say, “Let me check with the boss” – and there’s Bruce himself to declare that Central Jersey really exists.

Instead, the segment ends with Stewart sitting in a diner eating a sad-looking sub (not hoagie), and I can’t help but think what an egregious mistake that was. No matter where in New Jersey you’re from, whether North, Central, or South, left or right, up or down, one thing every resident of New Jersey can agree on is that you don’t get subs at diners. You get them from a Mom and Pop sub shop in a strip mall, or from a reputable local chain, like the appropriately named Jersey Mike’s. Or if you’re in a pinch, you get an inferior sub at Wawa for no other reason than the joy of pressing the buttons on the screen.

Bottom line, yes Central Jersey exists — and I think we should banish Jon Stewart from it.

 

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Exclusive Interview with Ceres (One of the Women from the NJ Flag!)

December 10, 2017

Proud to say that I scored an interview with a real New Jersey goddess! No, not Snooki, but Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture. She’s lived quite a crazy life – being eaten by her father, getting impregnated by her brother, losing her daughter to the god of the underworld, etc. And since 1777, she’s stood stoically on the New Jersey state flag, the red-robed figure on the right holding the giant cornucopia.

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In this wide ranging interview, Ceres shares her experiences as a deity, her views on state politics and even her favorite Jersey Shore cast member. I think you’ll find her just as smart, sweet and surprisingly sassy as I did.

ArmpitNJ: So, Ceres, first of all, I speak on behalf of the entire state of New Jersey in thanking you for watching over us and providing our agricultural riches.

Ceres: It truly is my pleasure.

ArmpitNJ: Great, now that the formalities are out of the way, let me ask the big question: how does someone go from being worshiped among the pantheon of Roman gods, to standing next to a decapitated horse’s head on a flag of a state known as the Armpit of America?

Ceres: And like your career is any better?

ArmpitNJ: Ouch. Well I see the Jersey attitude has certainly rubbed off on you! But please just answer my question.

Ceres: I wish I could tell you. One day, millions of peasants from across the Roman Empire are sacrificing animals in my name, and a couple millennia later, I find myself on the flag. Not that I’m complaining – I should be happy people still know me and appreciate me. It could be far worse. My brother Neptune is stuck on countless neon signs promoting all-you-can-eat seafood buffets. (more…)

Some New Jersey “Nursery Rhymes”

September 24, 2016

New Jersey is home to so many heroes and villains, myths and monsters, making it the perfect inspiration for nursery rhymes! Here are my attempts to memorialize the Armpit of America in nursery rhyme form.

Please note: I don’t recommend actually reading these to kids, especially that last one…

 

A Man Named Christie

There once was a man named Christie
Who ruled his state with an iron fist-y
His temper would erupt
And his actions, corrupt
But deep down, he was just a big sissy.

 

Always Second Best

This is the story of a boy named Jon
Last name, Jovi – his middle name, Bon
He left his small New Jersey town
Trying to become the best singer around

So he put together a band and grew his hair real big
And soon he was getting gig after gig
He wanted to be the biggest star from his state
Anything less than that, he would hate

Little Jon made the charts with many a song
About working class heroes and girls who done him wrong
But there was someone who did this all much better
From his shadow, Jon couldn’t get unfettered

Against this man, he counted many a loss
How could he ever win against a guy called The Boss?
Try as he might, his songs were never as good
And he started to wonder if give up music he should

But his career is nothing to laugh at or reason to be sad
Anyone with his success should certainly be glad
And as he stood there on stage in his black leather vest,
Jon thought to himself, “Maybe it’s not so bad, to be second best”

(more…)

If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals

July 15, 2012

After my post where I determined what the cast of Jersey Shore would look like in 20 years, I thought I’d have some fun with the Armpit of America’s other favorite trashy reality stars.  And while some of the Real Housewives may already seem like beasts (Teresa), I wanted to share the real animals that these bitches remind me of.  So here we go.

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Teresa Guidice: The Toad

That wrinkly, brown skin.  The giant wide-set eyes and even wider mouth.  The endless loud croaking.  A tendency to eat flies, worms and other crawly things.  Teresa sure has a lot in common with the common toad.

(more…)

Update from the Garden State

April 12, 2012

Yep, it’s been a while.  Between starting a new job, moving, and some other stuff, I haven’t been able to blog as much as I’d like.  So this entry will hopefully make up for the past few months of neglect.

As stated three seconds ago, I got a new job. It’s in Middletown, Armpit of America, only 10 minutes from the town I grew up in, in a building I’ve driven past hundreds of times.  Around the time I was being considered for this job, I was also interviewing for a position in Pennsylvania. Though I was kind of excited about the prospect of leaving this state once and for all, I got an offer from the place in Middletown and never heard back from the Pennsylvania job.  Apparently, there really is no escape from New Jersey.

After a brief stint back home, with an enjoyable 10 minute commute, I moved back to Belmar.  Rather than another beachfront apartment, I’m now in a quaint little cottage in a quieter part of town.  It’s definitely more conducive to writing, so I hope to blog more frequently.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s catch up with some of my favorite New Jersey personalities.

Chris Christie has his highest approval ratings yet, despite being proven to be a liar.  While this might seem to be a paradox, it just proves that New Jersey has a love affair with corrupt politicians.

Snooki is pregnant.  While she claims her boyfriend Gianni is the father, I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby comes out with a receding hairline and a smug, undeserved sense of accomplishment.

Bruce Springsteen is touring again. I tried to get tickets but – surprise! – Ticketmaster screwed me over.  On the bright side, since I couldn’t see Bruce last week, I went to Video Games Live instead!  It was amazing!  They have an orchestra performing music from video games – it’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds.  Maybe.

During the show, they played the music from Castlevania and brought out the woman who composed the original soundtrack for the game. Who looked like she was 20, despite the fact that the game came out in 1986. She must be undead just like the characters in the game.  Anyway, it turns out that this women recently moved from Japan to New Jersey. Why anyone would do that is beyond me.

One more update – I’m actually going to Japan! While I wish I could say it’s to investigate why Kinuyo Yamashita left her home country for the Armpit of America, it’s more of a vacation.  But maybe it will inspire to bring back my old State Vs. State (or country) feature. Maybe.

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

Who Would You Kick Out of New Jersey?

July 10, 2011

As much as I love New Jersey, even I’ll admit that there are a lot of assholes in this state.  The Armpit of America would definitely be a lot less stinky if certain people were to leave and never come back.  Any reader of this blog shouldn’t have too much trouble figuring out who I would like to kick out of New Jersey forever.  (HINT: His name rhymes with Miss Misty.)  But I want to know who you’d like to banish.

Below you’ll find some of the Garden State’s most famous and polarizing characters.    So let me know your thoughts by choosing who you would want to get rid of.  If your choice isn’t listed here, share your choice by leaving me a comment.