If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals
After my post where I determined what the cast of Jersey Shore would look like in 20 years, I thought I’d have some fun with the Armpit of America’s other favorite trashy reality stars. And while some of the Real Housewives may already seem like beasts (Teresa), I wanted to share the real animals that these bitches remind me of. So here we go.
Teresa Guidice: The Toad
That wrinkly, brown skin. The giant wide-set eyes and even wider mouth. The endless loud croaking. A tendency to eat flies, worms and other crawly things. Teresa sure has a lot in common with the common toad.
Caroline Manzo: The Rooster
With her spiky red hair, Caroline always reminded me of a rooster. Add in the fact that she likes to strut around like she’s in charge, ruling the roost and clucking condescendingly at everyone in her path, and the resemblance is uncanny.
Jacqueline Laurita: The Cow
That Jacqueline Laurita is a such a cow – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. With those big brown eyes, long eyelashes, giant milk jugs, and Hoover-like mouth, I can’t imagine an animal that she better resembles.
Melissa Gorga: The Praying Mantis
With her long, skinny body, huge forehead tapering to a pointy chin, and habit of clasping her hands together and thanking Jesus for all he has given her, Melissa really is a human praying mantis.
Kathy Wakile: The Owl
As the only somewhat normal housewife, Kathy is often seen in a constant state of wide-eyed surprise at the craziness surrounding her. And with those sharp, giant eyes and brand new streamlined beak, she could totally pass for an owl.
Speaking of Kathy, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think her husband looks like – the unwanted result of a one night stand between Qaddafi and Eugene Levy: