If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals

After my post where I determined what the cast of Jersey Shore would look like in 20 years, I thought I’d have some fun with the Armpit of America’s other favorite trashy reality stars.  And while some of the Real Housewives may already seem like beasts (Teresa), I wanted to share the real animals that these bitches remind me of.  So here we go.

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Teresa Guidice: The Toad

That wrinkly, brown skin.  The giant wide-set eyes and even wider mouth.  The endless loud croaking.  A tendency to eat flies, worms and other crawly things.  Teresa sure has a lot in common with the common toad.

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Caroline Manzo: The Rooster

With her spiky red hair, Caroline always reminded me of a rooster.  Add in the fact that she likes to strut around like she’s in charge, ruling the roost and clucking condescendingly at everyone in her path, and the resemblance is uncanny.

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Jacqueline Laurita: The Cow

That Jacqueline Laurita is a such a cow – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. With those big brown eyes, long eyelashes, giant milk jugs, and Hoover-like mouth, I can’t imagine an animal that she better resembles.

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Melissa Gorga: The Praying Mantis

With her long, skinny body, huge forehead tapering to a pointy chin, and habit of clasping her hands together and thanking Jesus for all he has given her, Melissa really is a human praying mantis.

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Kathy Wakile: The Owl

As the only somewhat normal housewife, Kathy is often seen in a constant state of wide-eyed surprise at the craziness surrounding her. And with those sharp, giant eyes and brand new streamlined beak, she could totally pass for an owl.

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Speaking of Kathy, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think her husband looks like – the unwanted result of a one night stand between Qaddafi and Eugene Levy:

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2 Comments on “If the Real Housewives of New Jersey Were Animals”

  1. Aisha Says:

    Nowhere is your photo! I would love to see the beast that hides behind the computer screen! I would love to tear you a new one!!! You are sick! at least they have the balls to appear on national tv and in public,unlike u lurking in the shadows!
    FYI melissa looks nothing like a prying mantis u idiot! big eyes are desireable! sign of beauty and youth..allure! I would love to see the beety tiny eyes u have

    • armpitnj Says:

      Just want to point out a few things:

      1. Photos and videos of myself are peppered throughout my website. I’m not hiding behind the computer screen. If you want to compare my appearance to an animal, I’d be flattered.

      2. These women get paid bucket-loads of money to appear on that show and make idiots of themselves. Their own antics are much more embarrassing than anything I could ever write about them. Besides, they are now public figures. Just like any another celebrity, politician or athlete, they open themselves up to public scrutiny.

      3. If you think what I wrote was bad, there are MANY other sites that are much worse. For instance, I would never say anything about their kids, while other bloggers rip those innocent children apart. And while we’re on the subject, I think it is pretty heinous that these women would even allow their children to be filmed.

      4. This is a comedy site; nothing I write should be taken too seriously. The Real Housewives of New Jersey are all strong, confident, beautiful women – well maybe not Teresa (more humor).

      5. Everything you accuse me of you have done yourself. Look at what you wrote to me, someone you don’t even know:
      “I would love to tear you a new one”
      “The beast that hides behind the computer screen”
      “lurking in the shadows”

      Now I ask, who is the one lurking in the shadows, being downright rude and disgusting to someone they don’t even know?


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