Exclusive Interview with Ceres (One of the Women from the NJ Flag!)

Proud to say that I scored an interview with a real New Jersey goddess! No, not Snooki, but Ceres, the Roman goddess of agriculture. She’s lived quite a crazy life – being eaten by her father, getting impregnated by her brother, losing her daughter to the god of the underworld, etc. And since 1777, she’s stood stoically on the New Jersey state flag, the red-robed figure on the right holding the giant cornucopia.

New_Jersey_State_Flag.svg

In this wide ranging interview, Ceres shares her experiences as a deity, her views on state politics and even her favorite Jersey Shore cast member. I think you’ll find her just as smart, sweet and surprisingly sassy as I did.

ArmpitNJ: So, Ceres, first of all, I speak on behalf of the entire state of New Jersey in thanking you for watching over us and providing our agricultural riches.

Ceres: It truly is my pleasure.

ArmpitNJ: Great, now that the formalities are out of the way, let me ask the big question: how does someone go from being worshiped among the pantheon of Roman gods, to standing next to a decapitated horse’s head on a flag of a state known as the Armpit of America?

Ceres: And like your career is any better?

ArmpitNJ: Ouch. Well I see the Jersey attitude has certainly rubbed off on you! But please just answer my question.

Ceres: I wish I could tell you. One day, millions of peasants from across the Roman Empire are sacrificing animals in my name, and a couple millennia later, I find myself on the flag. Not that I’m complaining – I should be happy people still know me and appreciate me. It could be far worse. My brother Neptune is stuck on countless neon signs promoting all-you-can-eat seafood buffets.

ArmpitNJ: Speaking of your family, I understand that you had a baby with another brother, Jupiter. And now your daughter is married to your third brother, Pluto, lord of the underworld. So that would make him your son-in-law as well. I’ll bet your family Christmas dinners are pretty damn awkward.

Ceres: Actually, as a pre-Christian deity, I do not celebrate Christmas.

ArmpitNJ: Touche, Ceres. I don’t celebrate it either.

Ceres: Oh, are you a pre-Christian deity, too?

ArmpitNJ: No, I’m Jewish.

Ceres: Hmm, so you’re a Jewish writer – how original. Aren’t Jewish writers a dime a dozen? I mean, do they just put a quill and scroll in your hand after your bris?

ArmpitNJ: Hey, who’s interviewing who here? Now tell me, what did you think of Jersey Shore?

Ceres: I know everyone talks about how crazy they were with the partying and hooking up. But to be honest, having spent a few thousand years around Bacchus and his drunken orgies, I’ve seen it all.

ArmpitNJ: So do you have a favorite character?

Ceres: Ronnie. I’d bang him in a second.

ArmpitNJ: Woah, I didn’t expect to hear that. I mean, why Ronnie? No one likes him.

Ceres: If you did your research, you’d know that in addition to agriculture, I’m also the goddess of fertility. So seeing a virile, muscular guy like him gets my crops germinating, if you know what I mean.

ArmpitNJ: Not sure that I do, so let’s move on to politics. What are your thoughts on the recent gubernatorial election?

Ceres: Well, I’m glad Phil Murphy won. As the goddess of agriculture, I’m all for growing anything green, marijuana included. And his stance on legalizing pot makes me a fan.

ArmpitNJ: Wow, Ceres is a pothead. Who knew? And how do you feel about Chris Christie’s reign of terror coming to an end?

Ceres: Good riddance! From shutting down the bridge to shutting down the beaches, can’t wait for him to shut his mouth!

ArmpitNJ: I think we all can agree on that. So, I wanted to ask about the woman you share the flag with, the fellow goddess, Liberty. What’s it like spending eternity on a flag with her?

Ceres: Eh, she’s not too bad. I mean, it’s kinda unfair that I have to hold this huge cornucopia while she just has a thin staff with a Smurf hat on it. Oh and between you and me, she has no fashion sense – I mean, who wears an orange tunic against a pale yellow background?

ArmpitNJ: Meow. I sense a lot of tension between you too. Any chance we can see Ceres and Liberty on the next season of Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Ceres: [rolls eyes]

ArmpitNJ: Ok, so speaking of the flag, what the hell’s the deal with the random horse head? Is that like a non-so-subtle acknowledgement of our state’s mafia presence?

Ceres: I have no idea. But I will say that I’d rather spend eternity next to a horse’s head than continue this interview with such a horse’s ass. We’re done here – Ceres out.

And there you have it – my interview with the figure on the right of our state flag. I told you bitch was sassy!

 

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