Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

A Trumpian World Atlas

October 1, 2017

Atlas - 2

As we all know, our glorious leader was busy spending his weekend playing golf in the Armpit of America, rather than focusing on the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico. That’s not to say he totally ignored the hurricane-devastated island, though – after all, in between holes, he took the time to insult the mayor of San Juan for trying to get her government’s help.

To be fair, I think we can all assume Trump simply didn’t know that Puerto Rico is part of the United States. But at least he knows it’s an island! That’s right, just like some second-grader who just learned what an island is, our glorious leader enlightened the world with this quote when speaking about Puerto Rico:

“This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.”

Yes, he literally said that. The best words indeed! Anyway, it got me thinking how he would describe other geographical features. Fortunately, I happen to be in possession of the elusive Rand McTrumpy World Atlas, and I’m happy to share some entries from it!

peninsula

 

Peninsula: “Most people think a peninsula is an island. I know the fake news media want you to think it’s an island. But a peninsula is a piece of land surrounded by water on many sides. Many sides. Not on all sides, mind you. But many, many sides.”

 

isthmus

 

Isthmus: “An isthmus – hard to pronounce, I know – is a thin piece of land connecting two bigger pieces of land. Kind of like how my daughter Ivanka has a perfect isthmus of flesh connecting her beautiful chest to her nice hips. She has perfect hips.”


IMG_2172

Black Sea: “I have a great relationship with the Black Sea. But let’s face it. It’s full of thugs. Maybe not as many thugs as there are in Chicago. But still a lot. In fact, it’s so full of thugs that the whitefish don’t even want to swim there anymore.”

 

 

glacier

 

Glacier: “A cold, slow-moving mass of ice and dirt that leaves a path of destruction as it cuts through the land. Kind of like Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Only much nicer to look at – believe me!”

 

 

Sout America

 

South America: “All of the states in the southern U.S. that voted for Trump. Of course, the Democrats and the dishonest media don’t like to talk about this, but did you know I won Alabama by 28 points? And Florida. Very, very hard for a Republican to win Florida. But I won it.”

 

 

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Exploring the Urban Nature of North Jersey

April 29, 2017

Think of the biggest stereotypes of New Jersey – overcrowding, factories spewing out pollution, a mess of traffic-choked highways, garbage dumps, etc. While this is what most of the world thinks about the Armpit of America, it is totally wrong – except when it comes to the northeastern corner of the state. I’m exaggerating of course, but the area of New Jersey across from New York City isn’t exactly the first place that comes to mind when you want to spend the day in nature. But you’d be totally wrong for thinking that.

I recently explored Richard W. DeKorte Park, right in the middle of the New Jersey’s Meadowlands – an area now more famous for its sports and entertainment venues rather than the wetlands for which it was named. Now I would say that the park provides a nice escape from all of the New Jerseyishness of being in New Jersey, but it’s all still there, just pushed into the background. And somehow, despite having all the highways, factories, powerlines, and buildings in view and all the associated noise within earshot, it just adds to the experience rather than detracting from it.

 

meadowlands 1

The park consists of multiple walking bridges built right over the wetlands, allowing you to see fish swimming around the water and birds flying all around. But it’s not just the birds flying overhead – you’ll see countless planes making their way to or from Newark Airport. And amid the rustling of the tall grasses, you’ll hear the whistle of the train coming by.  Moreover, the whole scene is framed by New Jersey’s endless network of highways. Not sure why, but it all makes sense.

meadowlands 2

 

Maybe that’s because the area has always been impacted by humans, and nature has always had to adapt. Wikipedia tells me that before the Meadowlands were actually made up of their namesake meadowlands, it was full of cedar forests, which the early Dutch settlers cleared away to grow salt hay. And since then, the area has been treated as a garbage dump by every group of people who passed through.

Still, Mother Nature persisted. The result is an urban yet natural landscape that can only be found in New Jersey.

Born to Run….Back to New Jersey!

March 23, 2017

I heart njAfter living on Long Island for the past four years, I am beyond thrilled to formally announce that I am moving back to New Jersey. Yes, it’s really happening. In just a few weeks.

Actually, I am already officially a resident of the Armpit of America once again, having done the dirty work at the DMV (or MVC as NJ calls it) earlier this week. And I’m not usually one to believe in “signs” or spiritual stuff, but the first song I heard on the radio upon leaving the DMV MVC with my new New Jersey driver’s license and license plates was “Born to Run” – clearly that was the work of a higher power.

Though the wife and I had been talking about moving back for a while, the urge became clear once we welcomed our son into the world a few months ago.  With our families being either two, or three and a half, hours away, it’s been difficult for him to see his grandparents. And every time we make the trip to Jersey, we have to pack up half the house. Also, I want my kid off of Long Island before he starts talking – I’d never forgive myself if he were to start speaking with that Lawn Guyland accent.

I’ll be honest – although I like to complain about Long Island a lot, there were a lot of great things about living here.  We got to be closer to my grandmother during her final years, hang out with some wonderful relatives who live nearby a lot more often, and made some good friends. And while I’m thrilled to be moving back to the promised land, there are some things about this place that I will really miss. Like grandma pizza (sorry, pizza places in New Jersey just don’t get it right), the wineries on the North Fork (such a great setting compared to NJ’s wine country in South Jersey) and the ability to buy beer at every single grocery store, pharmacy, and gas station.

Despite these benefits, my heart is, always was, and forever will be in New Jersey. And now it’s time to come home.

Years ago, back in the glory days when I was living in an oceanfront apartment in Belmar, some friends and I spent a night on the balcony playing the board game “Escape From New Jersey!” And in the blog post recapping this adventure, I lamented how the game is impossible to win – just like in real life, there is no escape from the Armpit of America. However, having actually escaped for four years, I couldn’t be happier to be back. And I don’t plan on escaping ever again.

 

The Cast of Jersey Shore: Where Are They Now?

January 4, 2014

ImageIt wasn’t long ago that almost 90 percent of my blog posts were about MTV’s Jersey Shore. But it wasn’t just me – those greasy, orange STD magnets were everywhere: chatting on talk shows, hosting events at clubs, doing commercials – and even appearing in Christmas ornament form. But my how the mighty have fallen – and I’m not just talking about drunkenly stumbling in their six-inch heels on the way home from Bamboo.

As is often the case, MTV built these people up and then forgot about them, just like so many of the network’s previous flavors of the minute: Avril Lavigne, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, etc. One day you’re being interviewed by Kurt Loder on the red carpet at the VMAs, and the next day you’re googling yourself and thrilled to see that some second-rate writer mentions your name on a rarely updated blog about New Jersey. Will the same hold true for the cast of Jersey Shore? While I previously showed where they’ll be in 20 years, let’s take a look at where they are right now as they desperately cling to those final fleeting seconds of their 15 minutes of fame.

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A Jersey Christmas in the Stars

December 24, 2013

My little hiatus from blogging lasted a bit a lot longer than I had intended. So what brought me back from the depths of the internet and inspired me to start writing again? A weird little Christmas song from 1980, of all things.

Apparently that year saw the release of “Christmas in the Stars,” a Star Wars-themed Christmas album. Despite being a big (though not obsessive) Star Wars fan, I never knew such a thing existed. Perhaps if there was a Chanukah song, that would be different story – what I wouldn’t give to hear Chewbacca’s rendition of I Have a Little Dreidel!

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The Puzzling Jersey Shore Puzzle

May 12, 2012

Let’s face it – puzzles are boring.  And if there’s one thing worse than doing a puzzle, it’s reading about someone else doing a puzzle.  Except when the puzzle in question is a 300-piece portrait of the cast of Jersey Shore!

Things started out easy enough – I did the border first, just as they teach you in puzzle class.  But when it came to putting the cast together, I ran into some serious problems.  Why, you ask?  Well, it’s pretty difficult trying to figure out which piece belongs to which person when they all have shiny orange skin, manicured nails, and way too much jewelry:

So, I had to continue working from the outside in; it was easier to follow the grain in the wall and the pattern of the carpet than to determine whose orange leg or greasy hair belonged to whom. The clothes helped a bit in putting these idiots together – purple dress for Sammi, leopard print for Deena, overly stretched out black pleather for Snooki.

Eventually everything came together and I was almost done with my masterpiece. I just had a few more pieces to fit in before I could call this puzzle finished.

After figuring out where to put Snooki’s wonky eye:

Pauly D’s scalp:

J-WOWW’s tits:

and Deena’s sexy cankle:

I have a finished puzzle!

In Case You Didn’t Know, NJ is Corrupt

March 14, 2010

In light of all the drama going on with the political landscape in New York, Newsweek recently put together a list of the most corrupt states in the country.  This should be no surprise to anyone, but New Jersey made this elite list of seven states.  Newsweek’s Andrew Romano, who hails from the Armpit of America, wrote a very nice summary of our state’s tendency to put only the most disgraceful politicians in office.

Romano discusses New Jersey’s first colonial governor, Lord Cornbury.  Aside from the funny name, Lord Cornbury was a nepotistic, bribe-taking cross-dresser.  Romano also mentions that gay sex scandal involving former governor Jim McGreevey.  The author then touches on the FBI bust that caught a group of rabbis and state officials trafficking human organs and fake Gucci purses.  Yes, you read that correctly.

I suggest reading the whole article to get an even broader sense of the level of corruption that has always plagued the Armpit of America.  Though the other states in the article (New York, Louisiana, Illinois, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and Ohio) may be corrupt, none can top my beloved New Jersey.