As we all know, our glorious leader was busy spending his weekend playing golf in the Armpit of America, rather than focusing on the humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico. That’s not to say he totally ignored the hurricane-devastated island, though – after all, in between holes, he took the time to insult the mayor of San Juan for trying to get her government’s help.
To be fair, I think we can all assume Trump simply didn’t know that Puerto Rico is part of the United States. But at least he knows it’s an island! That’s right, just like some second-grader who just learned what an island is, our glorious leader enlightened the world with this quote when speaking about Puerto Rico:
“This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.”
Yes, he literally said that. The best words indeed! Anyway, it got me thinking how he would describe other geographical features. Fortunately, I happen to be in possession of the elusive Rand McTrumpy World Atlas, and I’m happy to share some entries from it!
Peninsula: “Most people think a peninsula is an island. I know the fake news media want you to think it’s an island. But a peninsula is a piece of land surrounded by water on many sides. Many sides. Not on all sides, mind you. But many, many sides.”
Isthmus: “An isthmus – hard to pronounce, I know – is a thin piece of land connecting two bigger pieces of land. Kind of like how my daughter Ivanka has a perfect isthmus of flesh connecting her beautiful chest to her nice hips. She has perfect hips.”
Black Sea: “I have a great relationship with the Black Sea. But let’s face it. It’s full of thugs. Maybe not as many thugs as there are in Chicago. But still a lot. In fact, it’s so full of thugs that the whitefish don’t even want to swim there anymore.”
Glacier: “A cold, slow-moving mass of ice and dirt that leaves a path of destruction as it cuts through the land. Kind of like Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Only much nicer to look at – believe me!”
South America: “All of the states in the southern U.S. that voted for Trump. Of course, the Democrats and the dishonest media don’t like to talk about this, but did you know I won Alabama by 28 points? And Florida. Very, very hard for a Republican to win Florida. But I won it.”
After living on Long Island for the past four years, I am beyond thrilled to formally announce that I am moving back to New Jersey. Yes, it’s really happening. In just a few weeks.
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