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On this very special episode of “Jersey Shore,” Snooki gets punched in the face. But, before that, 57 minutes of boring stuff happens!

We continue where last week’s episode ended – Ronnie leaves the club after seeing Sammi give another guy her number. And then Sammi leaves because someone told her Ronnie went home with J-WOWW. So Ronnie goes into the house and does what any recently humiliated and pissed off roid-head would do: he takes off his shirt and then cries into a pillow.

When Sammi gets home, she and Ronnie start screaming at each other. This is interspersed with Sammi’s confessional, where she says they are simply going through the normal stages of a relationship – it starts off nice and everything, then they get too comfortable, and then things get rough. Umm…they’ve only know each other for like 5 days now? Anyway, the two of them talk and cry and talk and cry and bore me to death.

"...you go tanning without me, you leave the cap off my lip gloss..."

I’d never think I’d be happy to hear from Mike, but the situation (the events surrounding Sammi and Ronnie, not Mike himself) is so dull right now (well, he‘s pretty dull too). I can always count on him to say something entertaining. He doesn’t disappoint as he brags about all the girls he brings home, even though he has yet to actually get with any of them. Just so we’re clear, all the girls that he does convince to go back to the house are more attracted to the cameras following him around than his abs.

We then see Mike and Pauly in the hot tub with two random girls. They soon take the girls to their bedroom, where they pair up and start making out right next to each other. As Pauly so eloquently tells us, he can’t have sex with his girl because she’s on her period. Then, Mike’s girl ditches him because she doesn’t want her mother to see her being a slut. His response? “Chill out, Freckles McGhee!” Such brilliant wit, that guy has!

Anyway, Sammi and Ronnie are now back together. While they seem to be two of the smarter and more likeable members of the cast, they are incredibly boring as a couple. Especially with romantic exchanges like this:

SAMMI: So I am special?

RONNIE: Yeah.

SAMMI: Ronnieeee!!!!!

A little later, we see half the cast go to a tanning salon and then to get their hair done. Yes, it was the guys. Pauly explains how important it is to stay fresh…by cooking yourself in a tanning bed. As the gals are getting their haircuts at the beauty parlor, Mike talks shit to Ronnie, still bitter that Sammi chose to be with him. Ronnie humorously tells us that, “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse.” Hahahah.

Hope you like your sausage well done...and pierced.

Snooki now makes her first glorious appearance on the episode, as she talks about how much she misses her mom. It’s actually pretty cute. She’s really excited because her mom is visiting her the next day. It’s been two weeks since she’s seen her, which is apparently the most they’ve been apart. Aside from each October when she sits outside the front door scaring little kids.

Thankfully Snooki’s mother isn’t there that night. If she was, she would see her daughter slutting it up at a club, doing flips and cartwheels. With her thong exposed for everyone to see. (Everyone except for us. The editors did an excellent job of blurring that shit out.)

Elsewhere at the club, Pauly and Mike continue their quests to get laid. We then see a bunch of clips of the two of them going up to random girls. For all the shit he talks, it’s funny how the girls Mike talks to are a lot uglier than Pauly’s. After a lot of begging, they finally convince two girls to go home with them. But the guys quickly ditch them for two other girls in a convertible.

Back at the house, they practically beg the girls to get in the hot tub, but they were having none of it. Fortunately, the original girls they found ended up at the house. Thinking these girls will finally put out, they kick the convertible girls out. But they don’t have much luck anyway. Though Mike is trying really hard to bed one of them (who has worse zebra-hair than J-WOWW), her friend is totally cockblocking.

Why be blonde or brunette when you can be both?

So Pauly takes it upon himself to act as the wingman, saying The Situation would do the same for him. Sure he would. I guess Pauly realizes this too, and decides to go to sleep instead. The cockblocker then rescues her friend from what would be an otherwise embarrassing situation (get it?).

Meanwhile, the guys were supposed to walk Snooki home, but they obviously forgot about her. Don’t worry, though, she finds another guy to go home with, even though she can’t remember his name. Though she likes the guy, it turns out that Russ (or Ron, as Snooki calls him) is actually friends with Tommy, J-WOWW’s boyfriend. Tommy apparently got Russ to spy on her. How mature. I guess Russ owed Tommy a huge favor, since he was willing to hook up with Snooki to get some information.

Things are still pretty rocky between J-WOW and her boyfriend. It’s pretty boring and a lot of pointless back and forth. At least it gives us a break from the Ronnie-Sammi drama and the Pauly-Mike mission to get laid nonsense.

The next day, Snooki’s mom, who is a total MILF (or at least a lot more attractive than her daughter), comes to visit. Snooki keeps saying how her mom is her best friend and stuff like that. As they walk onto the beach, Mrs. Snooki proclaims, “It looks really dirty to me.” To which Snooki amusingly responds, “It’s the Jersey Shore!” Hahaha. Have I mentioned how much I love Snooki? Anyway, her mother leaves and Snooki cries hysterically.

I think Snooki's father must be black...or the Great Pumpkin.

And now for what we’ve been anticipating for the last hour: the punch.

The gang is hanging out at this bar, when they notice these three meatheads stalking them. Apparently, the cast was buying shots at the bar, but those other guys kept stealing them or something. Mike tries to tell them to back off, which they don’t. So then little Snooki takes it upon herself to yell at them. The screen goes black, but we all know what happened. This fuckin pussy of a man punches her square in the face.

Sure Snooki can be annoying at times, but she didn’t deserve this. And what kind of asshole does this anyway? This tiny 4’9” girl was that much of a threat to him? Whatever. It’s just sickening. Punching a beloved Halloween symbol like Snooki’s pumpkin face is just as bad as kicking Santa in the balls or raping a leprechaun. It’s just fucked up.

Meanwhile, the pussy gets taken away by police as he whines, “I just got punched in the face!” Utterly disgusting.

This is the pathetic douche that likes punching girls.

Next week, it’s the aftermath of the punch. And another fight breaks out because of Snooki. And maybe we’ll find out where Vinny’s been hiding?

This entry was posted on December 19, 2009 at 3:32 pm and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: Bars, guidas, guidos, Jersey Shore, MTV, reality shows