Archive for the ‘politics’ category

Our Fame-Hungry Governor Meets His Match(es)

May 10, 2011

"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new.  So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.

When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things.  Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day.  The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds.  But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.

It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno.  The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there.  It’s pretty nauseating.  But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.

This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it.  Notice anything funny about it?  Like how the whole thing seems completely staged?  That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears?  And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.”  When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was.  It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.

And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!”  The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold.  Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”  I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old?  I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. (more…)

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Would You Vote Chris Christie for President?

March 24, 2011

Hard to believe, but people are already focusing on the 2012 presidential election, and there’s a lot of talk about whether New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will run or not.  Though he has stated repeatedly that he has no interest in running  for president—or on a treadmill—many people are trying to convince him to do so.  While he hasn’t done much for the Armpit of America, other than take away funding from public schools and scrap plans for a much-needed new train system, he is surprisingly better than the other potential Republican candidates thought to be running.  I mean, Newt Gingrich?  Donald Trump?  MICHELE BACHMANN???

"My first presidential appointee: Paula Deen as White House Executive Chef"

I, for one, would greatly fear a potential Christie presidency.  Just think about it.  He’d probably reverse all of the progress Michelle Obama has made in her crusade against childhood obesity.  And I’m sure he would replace her White House vegetable garden with a hot dog cart.  Then again, William Taft would finally receive redemption as he would no longer be the fattest president.

Another concern I have is his how the rest of the world would view this country under the leadership of a “President Christie.”  Sounds kinda wimpy doesn’t it?  The president of the most powerful nation in the world with such a girlie name?  Heck, even “President Hilary” sounds more threatening.  Can you imagine what Ahmadinejad and Gaddafi would do to a President Christie?  On the other hand, his unfortunate name may lead to a newfound understanding between us and North Korea. I hear Kim Jong Il is pretty sensitive about his feminine name – hence all the nuclear missile threats and stuff.

Still, should he run, I will not be voting for Chris Christie.   How about you?

Chris Christie Is Still A Scumbag!

December 18, 2010

Governor Chris “William Taft” Christie

I know I haven’t updated in a while, so this will be a quick and easy update. And what could be easier than making fun of Chris Christie, our double-named, double-stuffed governor?

So let’s take a look at some of the things he’s done lately:

He decided to cancel the building of a new rail tunnel linking New Jersey to Manhattan. This project had been in the works for a long time and had plenty of potential benefits. It would put more trains on the ground, lessoning the burden of the overcrowded trains we have now. With more trains, there would be less people driving, helping with that whole climate change deal. And the new stations and stops and whatnot would draw more people to live in the state. (Yeah, we already have more than enough, but they would all be in North Jersey, so it wouldn’t bother me.)

Now, I know there is a somewhat valid reason for why he canceled the project – it was turning out to cost way more than expected. Still, isn’t that the case with any major undertaking? And wouldn’t the benefits of building that tunnel eventually make up for the extra costs? Whatever. I guess that’s the price to pay for having a fiscally conservative governor.  Or so he claims to be fiscally conservative.

A couple months ago, it was discovered that someone in his administration made a tiny clerical error that caused New Jersey to miss out on $400 million in grant money for our education system. Yes. New Jersey lost the opportunity to add not $4 million, not $40 million, but $400 million to help educate our children. So what does Chris Christie do? He blames Obama. It wasn’t until video evidence emerged of someone from the Obama administration pointing out that they were missing a page of the application that Christie admitted responsibility. Though he fired the education commissioner who made the guffaw, many of us were wishing he’d fire himself. Fat chance. (more…)

New Jersey’s Own Governator

September 28, 2010

Our governor can kick your governor’s ass…but ours has the bigger target.

While I don’t think too highly of Chris Christie, New Jersey’s redundantly named governor, he did something pretty badass the other day while throwing his weight around in the national political arena.  At a campaign event for Meg Whitman, who’s running to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor of California, a guy in the audience started heckling the candidate.  You can’t really hear it in the video, but the guy apparently said that Ms. Whitman looks like Mr. Schwarzenegger in a dress.  Ha!

Anyway, Mr. Christie wasn’t about to let some crybaby liberal insult his fellow bloodsucking republican.  He got out of his chair, waddled over to the heckler, and stared him down like an angry buffalo.  He then yelled at the guy, saying how people like him are what’s dividing this country.  You can see the video here.

Now, I could go on rant about how screwed up his policies are, but I’ll hold back for now.  Especially since now I have to live in fear that if I ever say anything bad about him, Chris Christie will stampede his way over to my house, wag his sausage-like finger in my face, and lecture me.  So instead, let’s just think about Arnold Schwarzenegger in a dress:

New Poll Shows What We Already Know

June 20, 2010

In what should be a surprise to absolutely no one, people hate living in New Jersey. According to a new Quinnipiac survey, 75% of residents of the Armpit of America are unhappy with life in the state. And how many of us Jersey residents are happy here? A mere 2%.

After reading about this survey, I was pretty shocked. Not by the results, obviously. Rather, I was surprised that the folks over at Quinnipiac actually spent the time and effort to find out what the whole world already knows. Then again, as the Quinnipiac survey is located in Connecticut, I suppose the staffers were tired of sitting in their mansions and counting money and decided to make a less fortunate state feel worse about itself.

The survey wasn’t just about whether New Jerseyans are satisfied with the state or not. Participants were also asked about their opinions of our shady governor, the redundantly named Chris Christie. Apparently, but not surprisingly, the majority of the state disagrees with Christie’s policies. Of course, who would agree with his plans to drastically cut funding for public schools, shut down state-run mental hospitals, and lay-off a bunch of state employees? A vast majority also disagrees with his decision to veto the state legislature’s “millionaire’s tax,” which would result in a whole lot of much needed money for the state.

So why exactly is Christie doing all of these things that go against what his constituents want? It’s pretty clear to me. Less money for education means a dumber population. Shutting down psychiatric hospitals means more crazy people on the loose. No millionaire’s tax means all the rich people in the state will love him. And with more uneducated and crazy people in the state, and a bunch of satisfied millionaires, Chris Christie is clearly building a coalition to ensure reelection to a second term in three years.

As he gets to do whatever he wants as governor, I’m sure Chris Christie is a pretty happy guy. Too bad his happiness comes at the expense of the very people he’s in charge of governing.

Chris Christie Is A Scumbag

March 27, 2010

Apparently one of the hippos from Camden’s Adventure Aquarium broke loose and is now running amok in the Armpit of America.  Oh wait, that’s just our governor, Chris Christie.  Though he has only been in office for about two months, he has already fucked things up.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious. (Photo by The Star Ledger)

Christie’s master plan to improve the budget involves cutting funding to all of New Jersey’s school districts.  Some districts are facing cuts of up to 64% of their budgets.  Who knows how many teachers, assistants, and secretaries will lose their jobs because of these cuts.  Faculty members of schools across the state (including this author’s mother) have already received layoff notices.  But it is the kids who will undoubtedly see a decrease in the quality of their education who are the real victims here. (more…)

In Case You Didn’t Know, NJ is Corrupt

March 14, 2010

In light of all the drama going on with the political landscape in New York, Newsweek recently put together a list of the most corrupt states in the country.  This should be no surprise to anyone, but New Jersey made this elite list of seven states.  Newsweek’s Andrew Romano, who hails from the Armpit of America, wrote a very nice summary of our state’s tendency to put only the most disgraceful politicians in office.

Romano discusses New Jersey’s first colonial governor, Lord Cornbury.  Aside from the funny name, Lord Cornbury was a nepotistic, bribe-taking cross-dresser.  Romano also mentions that gay sex scandal involving former governor Jim McGreevey.  The author then touches on the FBI bust that caught a group of rabbis and state officials trafficking human organs and fake Gucci purses.  Yes, you read that correctly.

I suggest reading the whole article to get an even broader sense of the level of corruption that has always plagued the Armpit of America.  Though the other states in the article (New York, Louisiana, Illinois, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and Ohio) may be corrupt, none can top my beloved New Jersey.