“Jersey Shore” Episode 1 Recap: Two Girls One Creep

“Jersey Shore” made its trashtastic return to our televisions last week, and it was just as entertaining as expected. So, if you didn’t see the Season 2 premiere, saw it and want to read about it, or just ended up here because you googled “jwoww tits,” you’ve come to the right place. On a side note, I seriously debated whether I should even recap this season. Despite its title, this show now has our favorite group of New Yorkers living it up in Miami and not in New Jersey. However, I just have too much fun analyzing these idiots.

I bet they left behind an oil slick rivaling that in the Gulf...

So here we go. The episode starts with some loser who calls himself “The Situation” giving us a recap of the previous season. He explains that there were a lot of fights, hookups, and drama. As we all know, Mike the Sitch wasn’t involved in any fights or hookups, but girlfriend sure caused a lot of drama. We then hear from Vinny, who contributes nothing constructive (in typical Vinny fashion).

But after his little spiel, our girl Snooki comes on. She explains how they had so much fun together last time, they had to do it again. Of course, she left out the part about MTV exploiting their shenanigans and giving them tons of money in return, but let’s let Snooki think that it’s all in her hands. Anyway, Snooki then exclaims “We’re coming to Miami!” My thoughts? Too bad 75% of the Golden Girls are dead; a crossover special would have been incredible.

Now it’s time to get reacquainted with Rhode Island’s only most famous deejay, the aptly named DJ Pauly D. He complains how the weather is too cold to go tanning or creeping. Uh, this is coming from a guy who brags about having a tanning bed in his house? Later on, we see him being a perfect gentleman and driving to Mike’s house so the two of them can share a romantic ride down to South Beach.

Meanwhile, Snooki introduces us to, as she describes him, her “amazing gorilla juice-head” boyfriend. The guy looks eerily similar to her, as he is short, round, and orange. Just give him an Elvira wig and he could be her stunt double. She then goes on an idiotic political/racist rant about how Obama put a 10% tax on tanning just because of her, and how McCain wouldn’t have done that because he’s pale and would probably want to go tanning (even though he’s had skin cancer), and how Obama obviously doesn’t have to worry about being tan. Wow, how could one person be so dumb? But my disgust turns back into love in the next scene, as Snooki adorably gets into a giant SUV and holds down the button to push the seat forward for what seems like forever.  ♥ ♥ ♥

When Pauly arrives at Mike’s house to pick him up, we see that Mike has certainly dressed appropriately for southern Florida. He’s wearing oversized sunglasses and a cheap, colorful jacket. He’s obviously trying to make a good impression on the old ladies in the Official Mahjong Club of Miami.

Can't ya go any fastah, Paaaaully? I wanna make it to Flaw-ree-duh in time for the early bird dinnah special! Soup, salad, and entree for only $11.99!

The scene then cuts to Snooki picking up J-WOWW, who brings along a bag full of bronzer. Unfortunately, that’s all we see of J-WOWW for now. Instead, we visit with Sammi in her hometown of Hazlet, New Jersey. I’m still ashamed to have grown up in the neighboring town from this bitch. Anyway, she explains how she’s single and Ronnie this and Ronnie that and zzzzZZZZzzzzZZZ… Woah, nodded off there for a second. So, speaking of Ronnie, we meet up with him and he tells us how he’s single and Sammi this and Sammie that and zzzZZZZZzzzzZZZZ…

BOO!

Holy shit, it’s Angelina! The grumpiest person in Staten Island (and that’s saying a lot) is back. But don’t worry, this time she’s going to show America the “real” Angelina. As she would say, and does say in the opening credits, “Um, hello?” We already saw enough of you and your constantly pissed off face. Please leave me alone.

But enough about her, it’s time to check back in with Snooki and J-WOWW. They decided to stop off at a little bar in Savannah. Snooki is dressed ridiculously, wearing a cowboy hat with her name written on it in glitter (so she won’t forget how to spell it, I’m sure). She lights up when she sees fried pickles on the menu. She describes them as being crunchy on the outside but juicy on the inside. Just like her pumpkin pie…

So all of the above happened before the first commercial. For some reason, the rest of the episode featured a minute of the show and then 5 minutes of commercials. Whatever. When we come back, we see Ronnie getting ready to leave as he says “The smush captain is on his way.” Ugh. Meanwhile, Pauly and Mike arrive at the house and pick out their bedroom. Of course, Mike picks the one with the most closet space. Pretty soon, Angelina waltzes in, and the guys had no idea she was coming. Again, she talks about how this is her second chance and how the other girls were jealous and how she’s really the victim. Um, hello? Get over yourself. Angelina then invites herself to stay in Pauly and Mike’s room.

Sammi is the next to arrive. Angelina, surprisingly mature, greets her and says she wants to be cool with her. And Sammi immediately bitches her out. Well, at least Sammi hasn’t said anything about Ronnie in the three minutes she’s been in the house. Spoke to soon. She says she doesn’t know how she can handle living with him because she still has feelings and zzzZZZZzzzZZZZ….

Vinny comes in next, and Pauly introduces him to Angelina. Didn’t they meet last season? Oh, that’s right, Vinny was only on like two episodes last season. I guess that’s because he spent most of his time at his day job, crab fishing in Alaska aboard the Cornelia Marie.  Someone’s a reality show whore!

Fishing for crabs by day, fishing for crabs by night.

Ronnie enters the house next and only talks about smushing and Sammi, but how he’s no longer smushing Sammi. J-WOWW and the Snookster come in and ignore Angelina. Snooki explains it’s because Angelina talks shit about them behind their backs. Um, hello? If Snooki ignored everyone who talked shit about her behind her back, the poor little pumpkin wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.

Meanwhile, the normally levelheaded J-WOWW goes on a stupid tirade against Angelina. She says how she’s not gonna let a girl start trouble while living in her house. Um, hello? It’s not your house at all. Then, she says that if Angelina talks shit about her or Snooki behind their backs, there’s gonna be a problem. I can’t believe I’m defending old grumpy face, but J-WOWW just did what she said Angelina better not do.

I’m getting tired so let’s just rush through the rest of the episode:

Sammi gets mad at Angelina because she sat next to Ronnie in the hot tub. I don’t get it either.

We get our first getting-ready-to-go-out montage, with Snooki and Mike fighting over mirror space.

Pauly calls for a cab and specifically gives his name as DJ Pauly D.

The girls are in one cab together, and Angelina awkwardly brings up why she left the house last season. Even more confusing, this then turns into a 3-on-1 cat fight. In the middle of this squabbling, there’s an awesome cut scene to the guys’ cab, where the four of them just sit there quietly. Back to the girls cab, the screaming escalates and they all end up getting out of the cab.

At the club, Angelina sits by herself and says she’s too classy to associate with everyone else.

Ronnie and Sammi restart their love-hate-smush relationship and end up fighting with each other. He then calls her what Vinny describes as “the worst thing you can call a girl.” You’d think “pale” would be that word for this crew, but it was actually the more traditional C-word.

After that spat, Ronnie goes into creep mode. In other words, he’s just being himself.

Angelina watches Ronnie hooking up with all these girls. She then says if Sammi wasn’t such a c*nt, she would tell her all this.  Hahahha. For those keeping track, that’s two people who called Sammi the C-word tonight.

Back at the house, Sammi explains how difficult it is to watch as someone you love creeps around with other girls. Um, hello? Then don’t go on trashy reality shows.

The episode ends with Ronnie simultaneously making out with two girls, as Sammi lies in bed distraught.

Two girls one creep

So that wraps it up for the season premiere of Jersey Shore.  It seems like everyone is exactly the same.  The only person to show any character growth, maturity, and common sense was Angelina of all people.   But still, I’m sucked in and will watch, and recap, the rest of the season religiously.

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