Smelling the Jersey Shore

Displaying photo.JPGA couple years ago, we picked up this little bottle of “Jersey Shore Air” at a Christmas Tree Shop. We thought it was just a stupid little novelty item, but after moving out of New Jersey, it has become a meaningful token of my former life. And now that the summer is in full swing, I am missing the Jersey Shore more than ever.

So I knew that my sealed bottle of authentic Jersey Shore air wouldn’t remain sealed for long. But before I opened it, I deeply contemplated what I thought it would smell like. Perhaps the refreshing sea mist of a morning on the beach just before sunrise. Or maybe the scent of a freshly deep-fried funnel cake buried under heaps of powdered sugar. I’d even appreciate it if it smelled like stale beer and regret – the very essence of a Shore bar. The suspense was really getting to me, so I finally uncorked the bottle and gave it a whiff.

Something was fishy. I mean that literally –  there was the definite scent of seafood. Of course, they somehow managed to capture the scent of one of the many on-the-water seafood restaurants. Upon a second smell, something was even fishier. This wasn’t just a generic seafood scent- it smelled just like clams…but clams surrounded by cream-based broth and potatoes. Completely baffled, I inhaled again and detected subtle notes of rich people…but not just any rich people – liberal rich people. Other scents soon came to the surface. Know-it-all college students. Obnoxious sports fans. And…Mark Wahlberg???

That’s when it hit me. This was no bottle of pure Jersey Shore Air. It had been contaminated by air from that lesser state of Massachusetts. I was all set to write a strongly worded letter to the bottling company voicing my dissatisfaction with the product. But in studying the label to find the company’s address, I was startled by what I found. Apparently this bottle of Jersey Shore Air came from Middleboro, MA.  That’s right; some company tried to pull a fast one over us with their fraudulent product. What a bunch of Massholes!



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