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On this week’s episode, Snooki gets punched in the face again, Mike continues to be a loser, and we see an instance of domestic violence. This episode pretty much had everything we’ve come to expect from our favorite Italian Americans. The only thing missing was J-WOWW. The editors decided to make us sit through more of the stupid drama between Sammi and Ronnie, instead of focusing on J-WOWW and the silicon twins.

So let’s jump right in. The episode begins with Mike, Pauly, and Ronnie getting ready to go out for some GTL – Gym, Tanning, and Laundry. Mike then explains that you have to go to the gym so you look good, go tanning so you stay fresh, and get your laundry done so you look nice when you go out. This must be the fiftieth time that someone on this show has equated going tanning with being fresh. Can someone explain how cooking your skin until it turns brown and wrinkly makes you fresh? Kthx.

"Please remember to use fabric softener this time! Oh, and they're called delicates for a reason - low cycle, please!"

Later on, Vinny goes to work and is expecting to get fired and evicted for hooking up with his boss’s girlfriend. It turns out that Danny doesn’t care and the two guys then joke about getting herpes or something. Speaking of herpes, Vinny is then talking on the phone with Mike’s sister and tries to convince her to hang out with everyone at Headliner.

Mike tells us that he doesn’t mind if Vinny hooks up with his sister, since Vinny knows that he is the man of the house. Uh. What kind of man of the house waxes his eyebrows, goes tanning, and makes daily trips to the laundromat? Someone so delusional he thinks “The Situation” is a cool nickname, that’s who!

When Mike’s sister shows up, Vinny is initially interested, but, once he sees her close up, he realizes that she “looks like Mike with a wig on.” Which is really funny because she does look just like him. And how does Mike respond when the rest of the house say how much they look alike? He says, “I told you I was pretty!”

You can see the resemblance in the eyebrows.

So the group goes out to Headliner, where Mike continues to brag about his womanizing skills, though they have yet to come to fruition (emphasis on the first five letters of that word). Sammi and Ronnie continue to isolate themselves, hanging out in the corner and talking while everyone else is grinding up on each other. They then leave by themselves. In the car ride home, they begin to have the stupidest fight ever. It goes something like this:

Ronnie: You have a stumpy big toe like Fred Flinstone.

Sammi: Wahhhhh how could you say that wahhhhhhh

Ronnie: You’re just like every other Jersey girl…

Sammi: Wahhhh I feel so disrespected wahhhhhh

Wow…that blockhead should look in the mirror before comparing anyone else to Fred Flintsone. But enough about reality TV’s most boring couple, the real star of “Jersey Shore” is long overdue for her moment in the spotlight. No, not Mike – my girl Snooki Snook. At Headliner, she meets up with a guy she knows and would like to bring home to get to know him a lot better. Unfortunately, Mike ruins her chances of getting laid. On the way back to the house, he decides to go to Karma, and Snooki’s friend goes off with him.

Wiiiiillllmmmmaaaaa!!!!!

Back at the house, Ronnie is all over Sammi, trying to get her to chill out, which only riles her up even more. She tells him that she doesn’t like when people make fun of her. Seriously? He just made fun of her big toe. There are a lot worse things he could have said about her. “Leather-skinned ho-bag” and “raspy-voiced slut-whore” are just a couple things that come to my mind. Since she is still upset, Ronnie had enough with her and decides to go “creeping” around. Apparently, “creeping” means picking up girls. I never heard this expression, but when Ronnie and Pauly are going around hitting on chicks, I guess there is no better way to describe it.

After a little while, Ronnie realizes he messed things up with Sammi and stops creeping around and goes home. He apologizes to her and says he’ll suck her big toe. Vom! Snooki’s love interest then comes back to the house expecting to get with her, but she’s having none of it since he ditched her earlier. The guy pleads, but she just tells him, “Lick my ass!” Vom again!

We haven’t heard from Mike in a while, and you know how girlfriend can’t be off camera for too long. He tells us how he met up with one of the girls he unsuccessfully tried to hook up with earlier and invited her back to the house. When she shows up, she brought her two chubby friends. He wants Pauly to be his wingman again, but he refuses. Instead, Mike recruits Snooki to get rid of the girls.

Snooki, with her loud mouth, yells at the girls to leave. They immediately comply and apologize for any inconvenience they may have caused and wish everyone a good night. Not! As Snooki tells us, one of the fat girls charged her like a hippo. Uh…What’s that old proverb? Chubby little pumpkins that live in glass houses shouldn’t call other people fat?

Anyway, the three girls go at it, and Snooki impressively holds her own against two girls that are each an entire foot taller than her. She does get hit in the face though. Again. When things finally settle down, Snooki is understandably pissed at Mike, since this is the second time she got hit because of him. But really, how pathetic is he that he needs a 4’9” girl to fight his battles? She is so mad at him that she starts hitting him with an inflatable toy. He then picks her up and hangs her upside down. To get him to put her down, she grabs at whatever she can, which is the most action Mike’s gotten so far.

The next day, Vinny’s family comes to visit, and they arrive in full force, with all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. His mother, who he tells us comes from Sicily, brought a whole bunch of food. As the family arrives and eats their Italian feast, the most stereotypical Italian music is playing in the background. Vinnie’s mother then cleans the entire house, including Snooki’s thong drawer. She gives Vinnie new t-shirts and socks and generally coddles him. The self-proclaimed mama’s boy says he’s happy his mom saw that he’s surrounded by good people at the house. Thankfully, his mama left before the sun went down, when these “good people” turn into monsters that try to fuck or fight anyone within reach.

That night, the group is back at Beachcombers, site of the Snooki punch. Once again, Sammi and Ronnie are off by themselves, which upsets Snooki. She goes over to tell them to hang out, since they only have two more weeks together. This upsets the two, who validate their actions with the always-mature logic of “they’re just jealous of us!” Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is being stalked by some random creepy guy (what, was Mike buying this guy shots too?).

Psycho Alert!

The creepy guy keeps telling them to go back to New York. Usually I’m in favor such behavior (telling New Yorkers to leave my shore), but this guy is just plain weird and obviously looking for a fight. When Ronnie and Sammi decide to leave, the guy and his girl follow them onto the boardwalk. He continues to talk shit, but Ronnie just wants to get away from him instead of fighting. Sammi, on the other hand, is talking shit back to the guy. Ronnie is begging her to stop. Since she won’t keep her mouth shut, Ronnie pushes her away, and the creepy guy accuses him of abusing her.

Now I don’t condone domestic violence, but I will say that I completely understand why he pushed her. The last thing he wanted to do was get in a fight, but Sammi kept escalating the situation. Meanwhile, that other situation is at home calling random girls, who repeatedly hang up on him.

Anyway, the creepy guy’s trashy woman goes up to Ronnie and starts slapping him. He just takes it because he’s not gonna hit a girl, unless he’s sleeping with her. I do kinda feel bad for him, since he obviously doesn’t want to get in a fight. But, once the guy himself starts throwing punches, he has no choice. It’s actually pretty funny once they go at it, since the two anorexic girls are trying to break up the fight.

A blur of sweat, steroids, and STDs.

Once things cool down, Ronnie is understandably pissed at Sammi for getting him into the fight. He walks back to the house, leaving her behind. She is so upset that he didn’t want anything to do with her, and she can’t believe he ditched her. I can’t believe I’m siding with Ronnie, but, Sammi, you are a selfish bitch. Your boyfriend just got into a fight because of your loud mouth, and you’re upset because he needed some space? Get over yourself. Anyway, back at the house, the two make up and promise to be the most boring couple in Seaside.

As if this episode wasn’t action-packed enough, next week, the gang goes to Atlantic City, where Mike and J-WOWW get into a bitch fight! I’m totally putting my money on J-WOWW!

This entry was posted on January 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: guidas, guidettes, guidos, Jersey Shore, MTV