Snooki’s Book Doesn’t Suck

I actually enjoyed it. Really.

I recently read Snooki’s writing debut, A Shore Thing. And it was a lot better than I ever would have imagined. Snooki[’s ghostwriter] did a wonderful job of capturing the essence (beer and sweat) of a summer at the Jersey Shore.

The novel revolves around Gia, a short, slutty guidette (can you guess who she is modeled after?) and her cousin Bella. Bella seems to be a combo of Snooki’s Jersey Shore castmates J-WOWW and Sammi. She has implants, wears skimpy shirts, and knows how to fight (a la J-WOWW) yet is pretty naïve and has bad taste in men (like Sammi).

Snooki[’s ghostwriter] does a decent job at telling the story of the cousins who leave their home in Brooklyn to spend a month at the Jersey Shore – Seaside Heights to be exact. We see all of their troubles and triumphs, from searching for summer jobs to hunting for “Italian gorilla juiceheads” to hook up with. Regarding jobs, Gia secures employment at a tanning salon, and for some reason, upon being hired, gives the arm of the couch in the waiting room a lap dance. Seriously. Meanwhile, Bella gets hired at a gym to lead dance classes.

Now onto their male interests, of which there were many. Bella catches the eye of two rich, preppy kids, who, unbeknownst to her, have a bet about who could get with her first. After one tries to rape her, she walks right into the hands of the other who has similar intentions. Meanwhile, Bella is also interested in Tony “Trouble” Troublino, her boss at the gym. But don’t let his gruff exterior fool you. Snooki[’s ghostwriter] makes sure to show us his soft side: He lives with grandparents who raised him after his parents died.

While Bella is only limited to three male suitors, Gia has quite the handful of gentleman callers. There’s Rocky, a guy she meets at a club who happens to be the boyfriend of a high school frenemy. Then there’s a guy who comes into the tanning salon, but gets carried away and burns himself (though Gia makes a point of looking at his sunburned genitals). Then there’s “Hulk” a steroid using freak, whose genitals also get inspected by Gia (and are described as being two marbles inside a teabag). There’s also the hippy guy who Gia helps evade the police when smoking on the beach. And a couple other brief interests. But the guy who really strikes her fancy is Frank the fireman, whom Gia can’t wait to see his hose in action.

Though both girls eventually settle on the guys they want to hook up with, Tony for Bella and Frank for Gia, Snooki[’s ghostwriter] creates a series of foibles and misunderstandings that prevent the girls from having the casual sex they so desire with their respective interests. Until the end, that is. And even though Frank and Tony (could Snooki[’s ghostwriter] have picked two more stereotypically Italian names?) want their summer flings to last year round, both girls reject them. They say they’re independent young women and want to live their own lives. In other words, they want some more casual sex before settling down.

Overall, the book is a fun, quick read. Sure, it reads like a trashy romance novel at times. But it does provide a pretty good representation of summer at the Jersey Shore. That being said, Snooki[’s ghostwriter] made some unforgivable mistakes. Since I make a living as an editor, I can’t help but notice such errors. Then again, as you’ll see, these mistakes are pretty obvious, so anyone probably would have noticed them.

Mistake #1. Bella’s rich preppy crush drives the girls to a house party on the Fourth of July. Absolutely no mention is made of the traffic that would definitely be present on that holiday anywhere on the Shore. As he drives from place to place, he has no trouble parking anywhere, which is completely unbelievable.

Mistake #2. The little bungalow that the girls rented for the month is repeatedly described as a shack, a dump, and a shithole. Yet, somehow, this beachside bungalow has a second floor. Very unlikely.

Mistake #3. Gia makes a visit to a barber shop that she used to accompany her father to. The name of the shop is “Devito’s” yet it’s run by a Russian guy named Yuri. Why would a Russian barber give his shop an Italian name? And why even make this minor character Russian when he had nothing to do with the plot? More confusing, he shows up at the party the girls throw at their two-story beach bungalow. Why would the girls invite an old Russian man to their party???

Mistake #4. This is by far the worst mistake Snooki[’s ghostwriter] could have made. There is a whole chapter where Bella and Tony have a cooking contest. They both make chicken parmesan – with Gia as the judge and the loser having to clean the dishes. In what is the most boring part of the book, Snooki[’s ghostwriter] gives us every detail as Bella and Tony competitively compare their ingredients, how much the spent on ingredients, and their cooking methods. She even takes us through every single boring step of the cooking process. And we see Bella and Tony trash talking to each other nonstop over who’s chicken is going to be better. So who wins? WE NEVER FIND OUT.

That’s right. After pages and pages of buildup about this dumb cooking contest, Snooki[’s ghostwriter] never tells us who wins! Though the loser of the contest was supposed to clean up, lazy Gia is the one who does the cleaning. I guess we’re supposed to infer that it was a tie, but still. It is inexcusable to leave that part out. I’m guessing Snooki[’s ghostwriter] went over her page limit and had to subtract.

Despite these obvious flaws, I would recommend A Shore Thing to anyone. Anyone who watches “Jersey Shore.” And doesn’t mind trashy romance novels. And can put up with shabby writing.

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