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I had originally intended to recap each and every episode of MTV’s groundbreaking and highly influential show. However, I gave up half-way through the second season, which took place in Miami despite being called Jersey Shore. I apologize, but I’m sure you understand. As we all know, each episode was pretty much the same. Sammi and Ronnie fight and make up. Vinny, Pauly D, and Mike “The Situation” hook up with as many girls as possible. Angelina starts shit with everyone. J-WOWW dresses like a slut. Snooki does something adorable.

For the third season, the gang was back whoring it up in Seaside Heights. Though the season started out strong, it soon fizzled out. It’s sad, but these people have become caricatures of themselves and no longer seem that interesting. Even sadder, they are all celebrities now and make more in one year than I’ll probably make in my lifetime. All that aside, the show is still pretty entertaining. But if you haven’t been keeping up with it, let me fill you in on who/what went down this season (along with some great artwork by Jennifer Herd of bite.ca).

J-WOWW and Snooki

"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

Everyone’s favorite pickle-loving best-selling author (check out her first draft!) is still on her quest to find the perfect guido. Though Snooki makes no attempt to hide her feelings for her cast-mate Vinnie, there’s always some kind of drama keeping those two apart. Aside from the early episode where she got arrested for being drunk at the beach, our girl Snooks was pretty low-key this season.

It seems like people have given up on calling J-WOWW J-WOWW, resorting to her real name, Jenni. Just like Snooki, most of her drama occurred early on in the season, when she dumped that douche she was dating. But J-WOWW wasn’t single for long – she rebounded with Roger, one of her exes, and she seems pretty happy.  Oh yeah, this season also showed her peeing in public on more than one occasion.

Mike “The Situation”

What a piece of Sith!

Still dumb as shit, still thinks he’s hot as shit, still looks old as shit. This season, Mike continued with his goal of hooking up with every slut in Seaside, and sadly, it looked like he succeeded. Always striving to be the center of attention, Mike still starts drama with his roommates and sticks his nose in everyone’s business. And he still acts like a coward whenever confronted by anyone. But, as was the case with Snooki and J-WOWW, he seemed kind of subdued compared to the previous seasons.

So what’s the reason for these three usually big personalities taking a backseat this season? Well, they had to make room for America’s most hated couple:

Ronnie and Sammi

Just like the real Han Solo and Princess Leia, minus the witty one-liners, good looks, intelligence, personality, sophistication, courage, ingenuity...ok, they're nothing like Han and Leia.

For the life of me, I’ll never understand why the producers chose to spend so much precious air time on these two losers. Every single episode, they fight about something stupid, say they hate each other, and then at the end of the episode, they’re back together. Seeing this crap for the third season, it’s just so old. And disgusting. Ronnie is a fuckin monster – he would trap Sammi in a corner and get in her face and curse her off at the top of his lungs. This undeservedly smug piece of shit even got destructive, ruining her bed, her glasses, and pretty much everything she owned. I really can’t understand why the producers never intervened when this steroid-abusing freak is being so aggressive to a slow-witted, tanorexic girl.

And you know what the worse part is? During every one of their fights, the rest of the roommates just roll their eyes and say how tired they are of seeing them fight over and over again. Well, MTV, if their own roommates are tired of seeing that shit, how do you think viewers feel? Honestly, I’d rather watch Snooki take a crap then waste another second watching those two idiots.

Vinnie

Like this tunic? My mom picked it out for me!

Wow, what a difference a year makes. In the first season, Vinnie was clearly the most normal person there. The world’s biggest mama’s boy was quiet and stayed away from the drama, and it seemed like he wasn’t even there most of the time. These days, he’s just as big of a man-slut as Mike and Pauly. And he’s become just as image conscious. This season, we’ve seen him get a spray tan and have his ears pierced. While he used to be a breath of fresh air on the show, now he’s succumbed to the guido stereotype. Not to mention that he broke my Snooki’s heart.

DJ Pauly D.

I think it's actually easier to understand Chewbacca than Pauly D.'s ghetto New England accent.

Pauly D – So…uh…I don’t really have much to say about him. He’s definitely the least interesting person of the group. And the dumbest. Here’s my impression of him: “I’m Pauly D. I’m a DJ. I like girls and hair gel.”

Deena Nicole

No caption needed for this one - it's hilarious enough on its own.

Replacing the universally hated Angelina, Deena Nicole (perfect porn star name) joined the rest of the cast this season. Being short, orange, and an alcoholic, you might think Snooki cloned herself. While I didn’t like her at first, she quickly grew on me. She has a good sense of humor and genuinely seems like a nice person. I’m going out on a limb here, but I honestly think Deena Nicole was by far the best thing to happen to Jersey Shore this season.

Well, there’s your update. As we all know, the next season will be taking place in Italy. Let’s hope the Italians don’t interpret these idiots being sent there as a provocation of war.

This entry was posted on April 9, 2011 at 9:48 am and is filed under Jersey Shore, MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: guidas, guidettes, guidos, J-WOWW, Jersey Shore, MTV, Seaside, snooki, the situation