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This past Thursday night, MTV’s “Jersey Shore” premiered with two hour-long episodes, and, though I hate to admit it, the show far surpassed my expectations.  It perfectly captured the essence of the guido lifestyle at the Jersey Shore.  At the same time, it introduced the Armpit of America, and the rest of the country, to the eight dumbest people to ever reside in our state.  It is now my pleasure to introduce these guidos and guidas (or guidettes, as they call themselves on the show) to anyone unfortunate enough to have missed the premiere:

First up, Pauly.  I supposed I should introduce him by his full name, DJ Pauly D, which is a lot cooler than plain old Pauly.  He owns a tanning bed and gets hair gel by the case.   He apparently dreams of being the ultimate guido.  His other aspiration is to be a world-famous DJ.  Well, with a name like DJ Pauly D, I can’t imagine a job he’d be better suited for.

DJ Pauly D

Age: 29

From: Johnston, Rhode Island

We then meet Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snooki” for reasons that have yet to be explained.  Snooki’s only goal in life is to find and marry a guido.  With her tall black hair and artificially tan skin, she looks more like a jack-o-lantern with an Elvira wig than an actual person.

Nicole (Snooki)

Age: 21

From: Marlboro, New York

The next wannabe celebrity we meet is Mike, also known as “The Situation.”  Now, it’s bad enough to have a stupid nickname (like DJ Pauly D or Snooki).  What’s even worse is when people refer to themselves in third person.  Now imagine someone with an incredibly dumb nickname who refers to his nickname in third person.  That is Mike.  Mike is a douche.

Mike (The Situation)

Age: 27 (Don’t let the receding hairline and premature wrinkles fool you into thinking he’s older)

From: Staten Island, New York

Sammi, who goes by “Sweetheart” (what, did MTV tell them each to come up with a dumb nickname for themselves?) has a lot in common with Snooki.  Just like the Elvira-lantern, Sammi is looking for the perfect guido.  She also describes what it means to be a guidette, like taking care of yourself by going tanning.  Uh, Sweetheart?  Training your body to develop skin cancer is taking care of yourself?

Sammi (Sweetheart)

Age: 22

From: Hazlet, New Jersey

Next up at the plate is Vinny, who describes himself as a mama’s boy.  One minute in his introduction video, he’s pumping his fist, the next minute, he claims he’s not the typical guido.  Right.  Although he does go out of his way to mention that he doesn’t wear lip gloss.  I didn’t even know guys did this.

Vinny

Age: 21

From: Staten Island, New York

After Vinny, we are introduced to a nice pair of breast implants and their owner, Jenni.  Continuing the dumb nickname theme, Jenni prefers to be called “J-WOWW.”  Yes, J-WOWW.  All capitals and the extra “W.”  J-WOWW brags about being a slut and compares herself to a female mantis in the way she treats guys.  Then she says how she has a boyfriend.  Oh, J-WOWW, you’re too much!

Jenni (J-WOWW)

Age: 23

From: Franklin Square, New York

Then, we meet Ronnie, who shamelessly mentions how he just wants to get laid.  Although he brags about what a man he is, this roided up freak then puts on some lip gloss.  Wow (or should I say “J-WOWW””?), what a loser.  Anyway, he says the Jersey Shore is all about the three “b’s”: beer, bitches, and the beach.  Can’t argue about that.

Ronnie

Age: 23

From: The Bronx, New York

Finally, we meet the eighth roommate, Angelina, who’s nickname is ingeniously “Jolie.”  Angelina considers herself to be the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore.  While that may sound ridiculous, it is actually the smartest thing I’ve heard in these introductions.  Angelina and Kim Kardashian are both talentless losers trying to sleep their way to the top of the entertainment industry!

Angelina (Jolie)

Age: 22

From: Staten Island, New York

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s jump right into the first two episodes.

I guess I forgot to mention where on the Jersey Shore “Jersey Shore” takes place.  Well, as I assumed, it was filmed in Seaside Heights, which has long been the guido capital of the shore.  Due to its trashy reputation, the town has earned itself the nickname of Sleaze-side, making it the perfect setting for the show.

Anyway, they show all the cast members leaving their homes and driving towards Seaside.  As Mike makes his way to the house, he begins with his whole third-person shtick, saying crap like, “That’s the Situation, right there.  Yes it is.”  This is gonna get old pretty fast.  Oh wait, it just did.

So, one by one, the roommates arrive at the house, which is huge and has a rooftop deck, hot tub included.  Jenni introduces herself as J-WOWW, causing Vinny to make fun of her (in confessional).  He says how dumb it is and how he doesn’t have a stupid nickname.  Oh please.  You just know once Vin Diesel came on the scene, Vinny was kicking himself for not thinking of that name first.  The other funny part is when Snooki announces her arrival with an obnoxious, “Hellloooooo!  The pahty’s heeeaaahhh!!!”

Once they are all at the house, this old non-guido comes in.  This is Danny, who is their landlord and boss.  Just like “The Real World,” the roommates will be given jobs.  They will have to spend the summer working at a T-shirt shop on the boardwalk.  Pauly then complains and says, “I don’t wanna work…I’m a DJ!”

Later that night, the group starts drinking – only Snooki has a little too much.  She then starts stripping and jumps into the hot tub with the four guys.  She continues to slut it up as the other girls talk shit about her.  Soon she passes out, and everyone else leaves to hang out on the boardwalk.  Snooki then wakes up to realize everyone ditched her.  What follows is a hilarious scene in which she tries to figure out how to use the telephone.  Seriously, she can’t figure it out.

The next morning, everyone goes to their work orientation at the T-shirt shop.  Well almost everyone.  Snooki is late because she’s in the bathroom puking.  Once she does arrive at work, Danny lectures her and whatever.  Later on, back at the house, Snooki apogizes to everyone and says that she really is the sweetest girl.  Yeah right.  The only time she’s sweet is when you take her head and make it into pumpkin pie.

Over the past day, we see some flirting going on between Mike and Sammi.  However, things go south later that night.  The guys, except Ronnie, pick up some girls off the boardwalk and invite them into their hot tub.   A lot of stripping and making out then commences.  Angelina and Sammi want to go up to see what’s going on.  Ronnie, who has yet to wear a shirt this entire episode, tells them not to because it will just cause drama.  He’s pretty smart for a dumb meathead. Ignoring his advice, the girls go up to the hot tub, and Mike immediately realizes that he messed things up with Sammi.  But don’t worry about him.  He assures us that The Situation is under control.  Get it everyone?  He calls himself The Situation, and now the situation is under control!  Ha!

So, later on, there’s some more drama and whatever.  The girls confront the guys about picking up random sluts off the street when there are already four sluts right in front of them.  Some more stupid drama between Mike and Sammi.  Mike tells us that he doesn’t care about Sammi, because he can have any girl he wants.  Or at least their eyebrows:

Snooki then tells us that she’s leaving.  Her reason is that everyone is ignoring her because of the bad first impression she made.  I call bullshit on this.  I think the real reason is that she knows she’s the least attractive girl there and can’t compete.  But whatever.  It’s the first day of work for Pauly and Angelina, and “Jolie” is not pleased about it.  She thinks the job is beneath her.  You see, she is a bartender, which is apparently a giant step above T-shirt hawker.  Meanwhile, back at the house, Sammi convinces Snooki to stay.  The Elvira-lantern lives on.

The next day, Sammi and Mike go into work.  Mike convinces every girl that enters the store to get personalized booty shorts that say “I LOVE THE SITUATION.”  The only thing worse than this meaningless self-promotion is the girls who feed into it.  Anyway, the rest of the group gets ready to go out.  J-WOWW, who has been pretty invisible so far, makes up for it by wearing a shirt that barely covers her tits.

At the club, Vinny is jokingly dancing with some fat chick, who wisely didn’t agree to show her face on TV.  Meanwhile, Angelina, who has a boyfriend, is grinding and making out with everyone.  Snooki tells us how she’s on the prowl for a hot, tan, muscled guido.  Snooki then leaves the club with a pale, skinny, nerdy-looking guy.  Poor Snooki!  As all this is going on, Pauly and J-WOWW are all over each other.

Back at the house, Mike is alone with Sammi.  He senses that she is kinda interested in Ronnie, so he does his best to cock block.  After everyone else gets back, Pauly and J-WOWW continue their little fling in bed together.  He shows her his little Pauly, which is apparently pierced.  J-WOWW then says she likes pierced dicks.  Okay…..

The next morning, Vinny wakes up with a case of pinkeye.  He says he probably got it from the fat chick he danced with last night.  Right, it was the fat chick that you danced with, rather than the sluts who made out with you and your friends one after the other.  At some point, Mike tells us that it’s not a matter of time if he and Sammi will hook up, but a matter of when she decides she wants it.  Right.  Later that night, the group goes out to the club Bamboo, which I’ve been to a few times and can attest to its guido overpopulation.  Things continue to heat up between J-WOWW and Pauly.  At the same time, Sammi starts making out with Mike.  He tells us, “The Situation never fails!”

But fail he does.  In an awesome move, Sammi (who, in addition to being the hottest girl, is quickly becoming my favorite cast member) then makes out with Ronnie right in front of Mike!  He confronts Sammi about it, but simply tells him, “You do your thing, I do my thing.”  Remember, he’s the one who was making out with another girl in front of her first.  Feeling emasculated, Mike then decided to start some shit with some other guys…by blowing them a kiss.  The situation (the circumstance, not Mike) escalates, and Pauly throws a punch.  The guys then get thrown out.  Mike, taking credit for the punch, tells us that if you mess with him or his boys, you’re gonna get hit.  I hate this guy.

Back at the house, Mike is still upset that Sammi was all over Ronnie.  He then says he’s gonna confront her and “Jerry Springer her ass.”  Uh, Mike?  That would have been funny in the late 90s, but not today.  So he talks to her, and again she says how they both do their own thing.  Even though he was totally rejected, Mike can’t let the situation get him down.  So, instead, he sets his sights on Angelina and says how she wants him.  Right.

The episode ends with Mike looking thoughtfully into the sunrise, as flashbacks from these first two episodes are shown.  We are then given a preview of future episodes, full of hook ups, arrests, and drunkeness.

I love this show.

 

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This entry was posted on December 5, 2009 at 11:19 am and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore", Reviews. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: drunk, guidas, guidettes, guidos, Jersey Shore, MTV, reality shows, Seaside, Seaside Heights

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