MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle.

After the commercial break, J-WOWW (God I hate typing J-WOWW) tells us that she’s expecting her boyfriend. Although she now admits to making out with Pauly, she worries about telling Tommy, her guido boyfriend. Pauly calls the guy a sucker, which he is. Not to be outdone, Angelina (whose face seems to be constantly in pissed off mode) is having some boyfriend trouble of her own. After introducing us to her similarly named friends, Elena and Alana, she has an uncomfortable conversation with her boyfriend. She wants to see him that night, but he’s not so sure.

How can anyone hold a phone that looks like that and not smile?

The gang then gets ready to go out by preening themselves and fighting over bathroom time. They go to Headliners in Neptune, a bar I’ve been to several times. [Note to self: get tested for STDs immediately] At the bar, Snooki runs into an ex-hookup, which I’m sure isn’t hard. I sure wouldn’t be hard around her either. Zing! Meanwhile, Angelina and her boyfriend have an awkward encounter, where he pretty much dumps her. A little later, Angie tells us that she dumped him, being too stupid to realize that the whole thing was caught on camera. Oh yeah, we also find out that her boyfriend is currently married. J-WOWW to that!

Back at the house, Angelina’s boyfriend drama takes center stage. Mike then complains about how she is the drama queen of the house and can’t stand not being the center of attention. My take? The editors made a mistake – Mike was actually talking about himself right here. You know how girlfriend loves talking about himself in third person.

The next day, Vinny and Angelina are supposed to go to work, only Angie stays home. She complains, “I don’t wanna work today,” or any day ever. An hour later, she goes into the store and tells the manager she can’t work because she’s sick. He rightfully tells her off. She then keeps saying “You don’t know what it’s like to be sick!” as she lays down some phony coughs.

A little later, boss/landlord Danny comes to the house to talk to her. Angelina maturely apologizes to him and says how she messed up and begs for a second chance. NOT. She runs into the bathroom and tells Danny to talk to her through the door. Boy, the girls on MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16” are more grown up than this brat. So Danny starts lecturing her, and Angelina promptly turns on the shower so she doesn’t have to listen to him. For real.

Anyway, since working at the shop was part of the deal for living in the house, Danny rightfully kicks her out. Snooki then talks about how Angelina was so rude and that she really messed up. Damn, Angelina. If a pumpkin named Snooki has more common sense than you, you must be a fucking moron. In voiceover, Angelina explains that she can’t take it anymore, so she’s leaving. Right. Even though she got fired, kicked out of the house, and dumped. According to her, all three happened on her terms. What a dumb slut.

As Angie says her goodbyes, no one seems to care that she’s leaving. I sure don’t. That’s one less idiot in the Armpit of America. Pauly says how she probably wishes everyone begged her to stay, but clearly everyone is happy to see her go. Mike explains how Angelina was like a firework: “She fizzled out and was loud as shit.” Uh, Mike? Shouldn’t your metaphor be the other way around?

The self-proclaimed Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore leaves us too soon. Who will fill the void now?

In other news, J-WOWW finally tells her boyfriend that she kissed Pauly. And he dumps her. Unlike bitch-face Angelina, J-WOWW admitted that she messed up, feels bad about it, and takes full responsibility. But then this self-proclaimed female praying mantis proudly states that her being single is a bad thing. Pauly’s take on the breakup? “This just means that she’ll feel less guilty when she hooks up with me.”

On a side note, anyone else notice how in between scenes, they show all these sepia-toned and grainy clips of the shore? These certainly invoke a nostalgic feeling of family trips to the beach, but what they really do is confuse my wonderful childhood memories with images of stupid Italian Americans getting drunk and hooking up with each other.

And we’re back. Ronnie and Sammi are getting ready to go out for the night. Mike firmly asks, “Where are you going?” in a very fatherly tone. Or maybe its just because he looks old enough to be their father. Meanwhile, Snooki has her friend Ryder (though I think “Ride Her” would be a more apt spelling) over, and they tell Mike that they are going up to the hot tub. He then invites himself to join them. A little later, Sammi asks Mike if he wants to hang out with her and Ronnie. Although he would love to go and cock block, he says that he has so much going on…like begging Snooki of all people to let him hang out with her. He then tells Sammi that Snooki and Ride Her begged him to go in the hot tub with them. Though he hoped to make her jealous, she clearly doesn’t care.

So Sammi and Ronnie go out on the boardwalk, where they play miniature golf and race go-carts. I hate to admit it, but this scene is actually kinda somewhat vaguely cute. A couple enjoying themselves at the carnival-like boardwalk on a warm summer evening, instead of doing shots and hooking in a hot tub full of syphilis soup. Once they return to the house, they go into the guest room, which is apparently the only room in the house with a lock. Pauly and Vinny (there’s someone named Vinny on this show?) then tease Mike about it.

A little later, Snooki, Ride Her, and the guys are in the hot tub together. Snooki and Ride Her then start making out because, as Snooks tells us, “guys like that!” I wonder what else she does just because guys like it. After her brief lesbian fling, Snooki sets her sights on Mike and the two of them go at it. Yuck. I don’t know who I feel worse for. I think they both could do better. The scene ends with Sammie and Ronnie in a post-coital cuddle, as Ronnie tells us how he broke his own rule of “not fucking where I sleep.” Classy.

I'm sure this isn't the only crab-eating go on at the Jersey Shore.

I'm sure this isn't the only crab-eating going on at the Jersey Shore.

After the commercial break, we see Mike preparing some food while wearing a shirt with a British flag. You may be wondering why someone so proud of his Italian heritage would be wearing a flag of another country. Clearly, Mike was paying tribute to the brief period in history (1806 – 1815) when Sicily was under British control. Or maybe girlfriend just found the shirt on the discount rack at H&M and couldn’t leave without it.

Meanwhile, Pauly tries to light the grill but can’t figure it out. Instead, Mike lights it up. A minute later, the whole thing is on fire. Mike then starts freaking out and blaming Pauly, who calmly gets the fire extinguisher and puts the fire out.

As usual, the episode ends with some more drama. Everyone is at the club Karma, where J-WOWW is enjoying her new single status. Meanwhile, Ronnie brags about what a good dancer he is. Or I should say what a good dancer he thinks he is. A little later, Sammi talks to this cop that she knows, as Ronnie starts dancing with some other girl. Getting jealous, Sammi gives her cop friend her phone number. It turns out she and I have the same area code. Time for me to get a new number. Meanwhile, Ronnie sees this exchange and gets pissed off and leaves. J-WOWW is genuinely concerned about Ronnie and leaves the club to talk to him. Someone then tells Sammi that Ronnie and J-WOWW went home together, and Sammi flips out.

End scene.

So next week is the infamous “Snooki gets punched in her pumpkin face” episode. Can’t wait!

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6 Comments on “MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3”

  1. Jenn Says:

    This is my favorite post yet!!

  2. Definitelynoonethatworkswithyou Says:

    This was hilarious and informative: we didn’t DVR this episode last week.

    • armpitofamerica Says:

      Dear Definitelynoonethatworkswithyou,

      Thanks for the comment!

      I guess I won’t be seeing you at work on Monday!

  3. J-LEMMM! Says:

    I love Ronnie’s self described ‘creepy patent moves.’ We have been trying to mimick it for a week now! WTF is up with that!

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