MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 5

This episode begins with the aftermath of the infamous punch. Once it happens, a bunch of guys (and even J-WOWW) start punching the douche who hit Snooki. It is important to note that Mike, who witnessed the whole thing, had no part in the lynching of that asshole. Girlfriend probably didn’t want to break a nail. Anyway, the cops soon arrive and arrest the douche, as he says, “I didn’t do anything!”

We then take a trip into the bathroom, where Sammi and J-WOWW are trying to comfort Snooki. Vinny, who has been missing since the first episode, reappears on the show…in the girls’ bathroom. Being the sensitive guy, he joins the ladies in stroking Snooki’s hair and telling her she’ll be okay. Snooki is just concerned about whether she lost any teeth or not. A part of me wishes she did, just so her jack-o-lantern look would be complete.

Meanwhile, Ronnie and Pauly are outside blowing off steam and trying to make sense of the night’s events. And what is Mike up to? As everyone is concerned about Snooki, he’s desperately trying to pick up a girl. What a pathetic situation.

The rest of the group explains how Mike pretty much instigated the whole thing. You see, for some reason, he was buying the douche and his friends some shots. (Maybe he was tired of getting rejected by all the girls and thought he’d try something different?) So Snooki was just telling the douche to buy his own drinks, and that’s why he hit her.

The next day, Ronnie’s family comes to visit. His father and brother seem pretty normal, but his mother is a typical bitchy Italian princess. She just sits there with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and says that she’d rather be tanning. Snooki tells us that his family is “funny and cute – just like Ronnie!” Right. Anyway, Ronnie introduces his family to Sammi, and they all go on the boardwalk together. We see more of the blossoming relationship between the two, which continues to bore me to death.

I'd be a little cranky too if that thing came out of my vagina...

Later on, Snooki and J-WOWW go out for drinks, except Snooki can’t actually drink, thanks to her busted up face. Back at the house, she gets a call from the police, saying that the douche who hit her was released on bail. She starts freaking out, so J-WOWW comforts her the only way she knows how. She asks Snooki, “Wanna go tanning?”

We then see the guys preparing to cook a big lobster dinner. Mike takes the lead in the kitchen and brags about how awesome he is, basically by just saying the word “situation” a bunch of times. Upon seeing the live lobsters, Snooki starts to freak out and doesn’t want to see them get killed. As she tells us, “They’re alive when you kill them!”

"Why have lobster when you can eat my pumpkin pie?"

When the group sits down for dinner, Vinny (someone’s getting a lot of airtime this episode) says grace and thanks God from letting Snooki be okay. Yeah, I’m sure that was God’s priority. Anyway, Pauly then tells us how the whole thing brought everyone closer to Snooki and that, as he says, “She’s a real person,” as opposed to a real pumpkin. On a side note, they all laugh at Snooki because the poor thing can’t eat due to her still punch-swollen mouth.

Although they were all having a nice dinner, Mike, as usual, ruined everything. He refused to clear his plate, saying the girls should clear it for him because they didn’t really help cook the dinner. Like a bratty little kid who’s mad at his parents, Mike just sits there with his arms crossed. He says over and over again that the girls should clear his plate. Wow. Maybe if he had more respect for women, he wouldn’t have such a hard time getting with one.

The following day, our favorite guidos and guidettes take a trip on a fishing boat, and, oddly enough, the captain looks just like Chastity Bono. The boat takes them to a place called F-Cove or something like that, where everyone can party from boat to boat, swim around in the water, and exchange STDs. When the group is ready to leave, Snooki tells them that she wants to stay a little longer because she met a guy. Ronnie is having none of it. He swims up to the boat she was on and literally throws her into the water.


Back at the house, Mike is calling some of the girls whose numbers he got. He tells us that five out of ten girls will answer “as long as you keep calling.” Could this guy be any more pathetic? Ronnie then explains how Mike and Pauly keep fishing for girls, but will end up scraping something off the boardwalk. Haha. Later on, the guys are hanging out with some sluts on the roof of the house. Vinny explains to us how some girls are slutty whores that strip off their clothes and jump in the hot tub. On the other hand, “There are some girls that are respectful, that you have to treat like girls or human beings.” Yes, he really said that.

Here are some more words of wisdom from Vinny:

“Women need food and water to survive.”

“Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.”

“You can get pinkeye from dancing with fat chicks.”

We then see Mike telling Pauly how they’re building up quite the reputation on the Jersey Shore. Apparently, Pauly has earned the nickname, The Problem, making him and Mike collectively, The Problem and The Situation. According to Mike, they are famous for hooking up with everyone. Something tells me Mike was spreading that rumor himself.

That night, the gang is at Bamboo, and yet another fight breaks out because of Snooki. How could one chubby little pumpkin cause so much trouble? Anyway, this one girl at the club called Snooki fat, so J-WOWW goes and fucks a bitch up. Soon, they get thrown out, again.

The next morning, Mike is in the kitchen burning something, as Pauly gets his deejay equipment together. You see, he’s the best deejay (probably the only deejay) in Rhode Island, and tonight he’s going to share his gifts with New Jersey. A little later, the gals (the guys, not the girls) go to get their hair done again, like for the second time in a week? Anyway, we’re now at Karma, with Pauly in the deejay booth. Sammi and Ronnie then get horny and decide to go home, instead of supporting their friend. Supposedly, they missed a good show, since Vinny can’t stop raving about Pauly’s deejaying skills. Please. Anyone can put a set of headphones around their neck and scratch records.

That pan isn't the only thing in the house that's flaming.  HINT:  It waxes its eyebrows and talks in third person.

That pan isn't the only thing in the house that's flaming. HINT: It waxes its eyebrows and talks in third person.

The episode ends with Vinny talking to some girl. He says tells her how he’s the youngest in the house, but the most mature. Can’t argue about that. Anyway, things are going pretty well, and the two start making out. The girl then tells Vinny that she is landlord/boss Danny’s girlfriend! Uh oh!

Next week, Vinny gets evicted from the house (hence the reason he was on screen so much this episode), Mike’s sister comes to visit, Ronnie gets in a fight, and Snooki is involved in yet another altercation.

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One Comment on “MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 5”

  1. […] Top Posts MTV's "Jersey Shore" Episode 1 & 2No Gay Marriage in the Armpit of AmericaMTV's "Jersey Shore" Review: Episode 3New Jersey Personalities: Cory BookerMTV's "Jersey Shore" Episode 5 […]

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