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I know I’m kinda late with this “Jersey Shore” review, but the new and final episode hasn’t aired yet, so I’m still good!

This episode begins with a recap of J-WOW’s much anticipated (and deserved) assault against Mike. Still in shock that someone had the gall to hit him, he does what he does best: talk shit about her. He says that he didn’t know if he should hit back, since he’s not sure if J-WOWW is a man or a woman. That’s funny; she was probably thinking the same thing about him.

J-WOWW tells Snooki that she’s thinking about leaving the house. That’s when Snooki begs her to stay and tells her, “If you leave, I’m gonna stuff your nose with tampons.” Haha. Anyone besides me getting turned on by that mental image? Didn’t think so. Meanwhile, Mike is still in a hissy fit about getting beat up by a girl. He just bitches about how he’s done with J-WOWW and then explains that she’s not the only person he’s annoyed with. You see, ever since Vinny realized what a pathetic loser Mike is, he’s been talking shit to him every chance he gets. And poor, innocent, violated Mike can’t handle that. As he puts it, he’s tired of seeing Vinny’s “smug little punk bitch look.”

Speaking of smug little punk bitches...

That night, Vinny and Pauly are hanging out on the boardwalk with these three chicks. Who shows up to ruin the fun? Danielle, that Israeli girl that Pauly met in the last episode. He tells her that he’ll give her a call and then gets rid of her. She then continues to stalk him the rest of the night, and I can’t decide whether its more funny or creepy. Actually, the way she appears out of nowhere and just stares Pauly down is definitely more creepy. Especially since at one point, she gives him a custom-made t-shirt that says, “I ❤ JEWISH GIRLS.” Anyway, the guys return to the house and the phone rings. Fearing that it’s Danielle, Pauly tells Vinny to answer the phone and pretend its Mike. We then see Vinny do a hilarious and spot-on impression of Mike. I strongly suggest that everyone go and watch it.  Just fast forward to 12 minutes 35 seconds and prepare to laugh.

The next day, Mike, obviously jealous that the other guys are getting so much time on screen, comes up with an ingenious and mature of way of getting the attention he so desperately needs. His idea? He’s going to put pickles under Snooki’s bed! Clearly a pro at playing “hide the pickle,” Mike slices the pickles and brings them to Snooki’s room. Being too much of a pussy to do any real dirty work, he has Pauly climb into bed and cuddle with Snooks to distract her, and Mike puts the pickles all around her room.

This picture doesn't even need a witty caption.

Not content to just mess around with Snooki, Mike decides to pull another brilliant prank on Vinny. This time, he mixes pickle juice, cheese, mayonnaise, and Caesar dressing in a bowl and puts in under Vinny’s bed. I’d like take this moment to remind everyone that Mike is 27. We used to shit like this when I was in day camp, but that can be expected from a bunch of 13 year old boys. But for a 27 year old to be doing this? How pathetic. That sad thing is that he thinks he’s so clever and badass. Thank God there’s only one more episode with this shithead.

When Snooki wakes up, she immediately notices the smell of pickles surrounding her. Though she realizes she was the victim of a prank, she tells us that she’s more upset that Mike wasted perfectly good pickles by putting them on the floor. Vinny wakes up and notices the smell in his room, though he can’t figure it out.

Later on, Pauly is telling Sammi and Ronnie about his Semitic stalker. They convince him to call her and get rid of her once and for all. As he dials, the rest of the group, minus Mike is sitting around watching him while eating sausage. I know, you’d figure Mike wouldn’t miss out on a sausage party, right? So anyway, Pauly calls Danielle and she starts telling him off, he keeps trying to say something, but psycho-bitch won’t let him. Once he is allowed to talk, he just goes off on her, telling her how crazy she is. As soon as she starts to defend herself, he just hangs up on her. It was pretty funny, especially since the rest of the group looks on with mouths full of sausage. Again, Mike was surprisingly absent from this event.

"Sorry girl, no little pizza bagels in our future."

Later on, Sammi and Mike are working at the t-shirt shop (I bet you all forgot these people have to work there, right?). Sammi is being a tease by suggestively sucking on a lollypop right in front of him. Mike explains, “She’s had a crush on me since prehistoric kindergarten.” Um? What the hell does that even mean? He’s like 6 years older than her, so they couldn’t have gone to kindergarten together. Although, I wouldn’t be too shocked if he got left back a bunch of times.

That night, our favorite group of trashy Italian-Americans goes bowling! Somehow, Snooki was allowed to get around the bowling shoes rule and commences to bowl in her flip flops. The people who run the bowling alley probably didn’t want her sticking her skanky feet inside their shoes. Anyway, at one point, J-WOWW and Mike go outside to talk about their fight. Though she apologizes for hitting him, he only gives a half-assed apology for instigating. Of course, he then turns things around and says how J-WOWW looks up to him like a father figure. Just because he’s old enough to be her father, doesn’t mean she thinks of him as one.

Eventually, Vinny figures out that the smell coming from his bed was Mike’s special concoction. We then see Vinny and Ronnie confronting Mike for being such a douche. Mike just keeps saying how Vinny is a rat, so he was just giving him some cheese, which is the stupidest analogy ever. By that logic, Mike would be rewarding Vinny for his actions. Anyway, Vinny and Ronnie continue to call him out on being such an asshole. Mike’s defense? “I don’t care what people think about me!” Which pretty much means that he does. But we already knew that.

The awkward situation keeps going on, and The Situation keeps getting more awkward. Obviously, he’s not used to people questioning his motives like this. The guys tell him how much he’s changed since the beginning, and the ask him why he can’t just be himself. His response? Just like an out-of-control teen on Maury, he depends on the old “You don’t know me! You don’t know me!” routine. Anyway, Ronnie calls him out on bragging about all the girls he brings home and says none of them are better looking than Sammi. Mike then claims it doesn’t matter because he got with her first anyway. Sammi, who is half asleep during all of this, puts him in his place by saying all they did was hold hands.

 

"Maury, my mama can't control me" (booooo!!) "OH FUCK Y'ALL! FUCK Y'ALL! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"

After the break, the gel and hair spray go flying – it’s time for another primping montage! We see Snooki squeeze her way into this tiny corset-like thing that make her tits pop out and gasp for air. The rest of the cast teases her about it, because she does look pretty damn ridiculous. In her outfit, Snooki kinda looks like she could have been Lil Kim’s stunt double for the Lady Marmalade video. She’s certainly short enough, dark enough, and slutty enough.

" Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Uhhh, no thanks...

Anyway, the crew goes out to the club, and who do they run into? Danielle, Pauly’s Israeli stalker! The two then fight about who dumped who. It’s pretty funny. Meanwhile, Snooki found her latest victim crush of the night. The guy must be pretty smart, since he didn’t sign the waiver to let his face be shown on TV, so it’s blurred out instead. Snooki’s girly bits must be pretty smart too, since they got the blurred treatment as well.

Snooki Snook soon finds out that the guy has a girlfriend. She is pretty upset and tells us that all she wants is a guy to settle down with, but that she’s not gonna find someone like that on the Jersey Shore. But don’t feel bad for our pumpkin queen, since she soon finds a new guy. Who looks like the creepiest person ever.

Let's hope this guy likes pumpkin pie...

When they finally leave the club, a bunch of people are following them, making fun of the group. Snooki gets the most ridicule, as they ask her why she’s wearing her Halloween costume. Ha! Anyway, things get worse and a brawl breaks out. But our group has been involved in their fair share of fighting and keeps walking on. Or so was the original plan.

You know how Ronnie can’t resist a good fight. So, when one of the random guys starts talking shit to him, he knocks the guy out with one punch. Of course, Mike the douche takes credit for this and explains, “That’s what you get for talking shit!” Anyway, Ronnie knows he’s in deep shit, so he tries to be smooth and keeps walking home. Soon enough, the cops catch up to him and take him into custody. I hope this creep gets locked up. I’m so tired of him and his boring relationship and out-of-control temper.

The next episode is our last one. According to the previews, Snooki runs into her ex and then ends up in the hot tub with Mike! Will they hook up? Will Mike eat her pumpkin pie?

In other “Jersey Shore” news, I’ve heard rumors that the next season will take place in Sea Isle City. Your thoughts?

This entry was posted on January 21, 2010 at 2:56 pm and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: guidas, guidettes, guidos, J-WOWW, Jersey Shore, MTV, reality shows, Sea Isle City, snooki