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Just like summer itself, the first season of “Jersey Shore” has flown by. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that this will be the last episode review I’ll have to write for a while. Not that I don’t love spreading the word about latest goings on with Snooki and the rest, but I look forward to not devoting 20 hours a week towards this show. All that being said, I will have at least one more “Jersey Shore” related post coming up in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned!

Now that that’s all out of the way, let’s jump right in to our last episode. It begins where the previous episode left off – Ronnie getting arrested. Sammi explains how horrible she feels and that she can’t believe it and doesn’t know what to do. I say you should dump the creep, sister! Anyway, the girls are wondering how they can get Ronnie out of jail. Snooki offers to call 911, but Sammi explains to her that 911 is only for emergencies. Silly pumpkin!

In case you haven't noticed, I love posting this pic!

So Snooki calls the local police office instead, and she is told that Ronnie will be held overnight and can be released on bail at 6:30 AM. Sammi then whines about how this will be the first night she has to sleep alone. Please. Instead of worrying that her boyfriend with the perfectly coiffed hair and ever-present tube of lip gloss is going to get raped in the slammer, she’s only concerned about herself. What a selfish bitch. As she points out, though, it’s already 3:30, so he’ll only be there another 3 hours.

At 8:00 in the morning, the phone rings nonstop, but no one answers it. Finally, Sammi gets up and tells us that she heard the phone ringing but was waiting for someone else to answer it. The princess (Sammi, not Mike) eventually gets up and then goes to the slammer to pick Ronnie up. He tells us, “I feel like a lowlife for going to jail, and I don’t belong there!” Let’s see. Ronnie is somewhat abusive to his girlfriend, can’t control his anger, has been involved in several fights, and has now been arrested. I think that qualifies him as a lowlife. What do you all think????

Enough with the Sammi/Ronnie bullshit, Little Miss Diva needs her turn in the spotlight! We see Mike talking with Vinny and Pauly about finding some girls to hang out with over Labor Day weekend, their last weekend in the house. Mike gets on the phone calling all of the girls he knows, and – surprise – none of them answer. Since no girl is interested, he suggests the three of them have a guys’ night out. Something tells me this was his plan all along…

Meanwhile, J-WOWW is prowling around the beach and gets excited by all the gorillas she sees. Apparently, a gorilla, also known as “juice-head,” is a steroid-using freak that gets J-WOWW’s personalized panties wet. She goes back to the house and wakes Snooki up from her beauty sleep. She drags the pumpkin queen onto the beach, but all the gorillas have disappeared. They could obviously learn a thing or two from Dian Fossey’s method of observing the beasts.

Later that day, our guidos and guidettes go to the beach as a group, since they haven’t all gone to the beach together yet. Mike is immediately flirting with any girl that walks by, even if she’s underage. He starts hanging out with one that everyone else says is definitely too young for him. They tease him about talking to a 12 year old. His response? “She has to be 18, because a 12 year old couldn’t have an ass like that!” Uhhh. So how does he know she isn’t 16 or 17. This guy is such a creep.

Mike's unsuccessful pick-up line: "Is there a boogie board in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?"

Ayway, Snooki leaves the beach to call Keith, one of her make-out buddies from a few episodes back. You see, she really wants to find a date for the last weekend. Unfortunately, Keith wants nothing to do with her. Although he does try to let her down gently, she’s still pissed off. Feeling rejected, Snooki Snook then walks down the boardwalk sucking a lollypop for some much needed attention. She gets her desired attention from a bunch of guys on a rooftop bar. Though she tells them to come down, they refuse, and it becomes obvious that they were just teasing her.

Realizing that nobody wants anything to do with her, Snooki decides to start a party on the boardwalk…by dancing around by herself. Well Snooki is no Billy Idol, and she then puts on the most pathetic display imaginable. Some people briefly dance with her, but most likely in a mocking way. All the other bystanders on the boardwalk just give her confused looks, trying to figure why there is a dancing pumpkin on the boardwalk:

"What the FUCK?!?!!?!"

Apparently oblivious to the freak show she’s putting on, Snooki continues to make a fool of herself. According to her though, everyone loves her. This is when I start to question her sanity. At the end of her routine, she runs into her ex and invites him to the house. As you can probably predict, he rejects her as well. She then starts crying and flipping out, completing her downward spiral. It’s pretty much like the first week in November when stores try to get rid of their Halloween merchandise. Even though they practically give it away for free, no one’s interested in their 50% off face paint or moldy pumpkins. Well, no one’s interested in this moldy pumpkin either.

It never gets old...

That night, the guys are hanging out at an arcade, reminiscing about their month together. Mike tells Pauly that he and Vinny will take a ride up to Rhode Island to visit him. Rather humorously, Vinny protests and says he doesn’t wanna spend 5 hours in a car with Mike. Ha. Meanwhile, Sammi and Ronnie are having date night at Connelly Station in Belmar, thus forever tarnishing one of my regular hangouts. But whatever. Sammi tells us how she loves everything about Ronnie – his laugh, his personality, his toughness. Um, isn’t it his toughness that made him push you and got him arrested? I don’t get it. But they agree to stay together past the Jersey Shore, thus answering my prayers.

Back at the house, Snooki is crying about her misfortunes, and Mike gives her a little pep talk about how to deal with it when guys aren’t interested. And he should know! Later on, Snooki wants to go in the hot tub, but everyone else is too tired to join her. Everyone except Mike. MTV then punishes us with the nastiest hookup scene ever. It begins with Mike undoing Snooki’s bikini top and unleashing her gourds. The bottom soon comes off as well. Although she puts the bathing suit back on, her and Mike soon start making out. So nasty.

Last screenshot of the season. You're welcome.

Mike eventually gets out and says he has to use the bathroom, putting an end to their romantic interlude. I hate to admit this, but I actually kinda have some respect for him. He clearly felt bad that she kept getting rejected, so he gave her a little action to cheer her up. Anyone who would voluntarily make out with that jack-o-lantern gets some credit in my book. Anyway, Snooki reminds us how this is exactly how the season started – her slutting it up in the hot tub.

They then begin to wrap things up. The group has a big barbecue, with Mike, of course, cooking up the sausage. The cast reminisces about their summer – all the fights, hookups, and drama. They all say how they are like a family, and everyone’s gonna miss everyone and all that crap. Then, being fed a line from the show’s producers, Mike says, “Maybe we should get a shore house next summer!” J-WOWW adds that it should be in the Hamptons. That would be fine with me…let’s keep these fuckin freaks out of the Armpit of America.

In our final scene, the cast is packing up and getting ready to leave. Mike leaves first, and, on his way out, he explains how he was queen king of the castle. Right. Sammi and Ronnie leave next, and we are tortured with yet another clip show of their stupid relationship. Then it’s J-WOWW’s turn to leave, and she refers to Pauly as her make-out friend, reminding us of the night they almost hooked up. Pauly and Vinny make their exits, with Vinny explaining how this was something not most 21 year olds get to experience. Well I spent my 21st summer at the Jersey Shore too, only I was working my ass off selling Italian ice. But I think I would rather have done that then live in a house with these disgusting people.

Finally, Snooki closes things out. She proclaims that she made the house. I would certainly agree. She says that she knows she screwed up at the beginning, but she grew up a lot. She is now a better person. Um, I’ll take her word for it. As she walks out of the house, she leaves us with the words, “The Snooks is out!”

I miss her already.

😦

This entry was posted on January 28, 2010 at 11:19 pm and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: beach, guidas, guidettes, guidos, Halloween, Jersey Shore, MTV, reality shows