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This was by far the most boring episode of “Jersey Shore.” Sammi and Ronnie fought and made up several times. Mike once again demonstrated his prowess in the kitchen. Angelina was a drunken bitch. Snooki was just adorable. That’s pretty much all that happened. There wasn’t much to work with, but hopefully this review will be more entertaining than the show itself.

Episode 2 begins with the guys going back to the house after Ronnie spent the night creeping. They’re sitting around talking about the night’s events. I honestly have no idea what they’re saying. Maybe it’s because they were drunk, or maybe it’s because I’m not fluent in guido. But seriously, go watch the first few minutes and tell me if you understand anything they say. Eventually we learn that Ronnie plans on getting into bed with Sammi, even though he spent the night making out with other girls. Vinny tells us he’s speechless…as usual. Pauly announces that Ronnie has a new nickname, but every time anyone says it, it gets bleeped out.

"HULK SMASH....RONNIE SMUSH"

Anyway, how does Mike feel about all this? “The whole situation, it’s a bad situation.” Wow, he really can’t go one sentence without mentioning that word. Meanwhile, Ronnie tells us that he had a “Shnookie” night, meaning he got so drunk he forgot what he did. It amazes me how these idiots still can’t say her name right. Maybe she should wear that stupid hat with her name on it more often.

When we get back from the commercials, Sammi is trying to find out what happened last night, though the guys protect Ronnie and don’t say anything. Time to move on. The girls decide to go shopping at a store catering to transvestites. How fitting, especially for J-WOWW who was like a kid in a candy shop. She gets particularly excited about a new shirt rag, just like that famous yellow one she wore last season. As for Snooki, she decides to buy a pair of sunglasses covered in cheap rhinestones. And I mean the lenses were covered in them so you can’t see. The price for such a stupid thing: $395. Well if it gets too dark, she can always light that candle in her jack-o-lantern head.

Back at the house, Mike is doing the women’s work of preparing dinner. He covers some chicken in barbecue sauce and puts it back in the fridge, only he puts the tray right at the top, perched precariously. He tells us how funny it would be if someone opened the fridge and the chicken fell. Enter Snooki. Craving a pickle, she opens the fridge, and, sure enough, the chicken comes falling down. I don’t know about you, but this whole scene seemed a little too staged. But MTV would never interfere with the integrity of their reality shows.

It’s been five wonderful minutes since we heard anything from Sammi or Ronnie, but those two can never be off camera for long. Sammi starts snooping and looks at Ronnie’s phone book. She notices that he has his ex’s number and flips out and says they’re done. Ronnie defends himself, pointing out that it shouldn’t even matter because they’re not together anymore. Yawn. Ronnie then talks this all over with J-WOWW, and I’m sure it won’t be long before Sammi flips out at him for talking to another girl.

It’s getting close to dinner time, and they still don’t know what to do with the chicken. Someone suggests they just rinse it off, but everyone else is all “Ewwww it fell on the floor, I can’t eat that.” These people aren’t afraid of sleeping with an STD-infested slut or gorilla juicehead, but they can’t handle a little dust from the floor? Whatevs. His dinner ruined, Mike orders take-out. He tells the guy on the phone that his name is “The Situation.” Cool!

A little later, J-WOWW is in the shower. Apparently the shower door is see-through, and everyone else crowds around her saying they can see her boobs. Um, hello? Who hasn’t seen them?

No boobs here, just two lumps of silicone.

Now on to Angelina, who spends all of her time on the phone. Snooki and J-WOWW continue to talk shit about her and say how she needs to apologize for all the shit she talked about them. So what’s got them all riled up? Supposedly, Angelina told someone that Snooki’s boyfriend is a fuckin moron. Um, hello? He’d have to be a fuckin moron to date her!

Snooki then goes outside to confront Angie, and the two start screaming. The guys are just watching this all unfold, with resident drama queen Mike eating it all up. Soon J-WOWW comes out with a scowl on her face and says how she heard from her friends all the shit Angelina says about her. Angelina asks who said anything, and J-WOWW replies with a list of names, starting with someone named “J-420.” I don’t know this J-420 character, but something tells me I should take anything he says with a couple grains of salt.

By now, there’s a lot of drama going on. Not to be outdone, Tanny Bug Eyes (Sammi’s new nickname) decides to have another heart to heart with Ronnie. They apologize to each other, and Tanny tells us in confessional, “I love Ronnie and it won’t go away!” Not sure if she’s saying her love won’t go away or the genital wart. My money’s on the latter.

Say goodbye to Sammi Sweetheart and hello to Tanny Bug Eyes!

As for Ronnie, he says he doesn’t know what to do. He then adds, “It’s not Saved By the Bell…we’re not Zack and Kelly.” Oh boy.

Dear Ronnie,

You’re damn fuckin right you’re not Zack and Kelly! They were interesting, funny, and loveable. You and your she-bitch are boring, pathetic, and unlovable. Zack Morris had boyish good looks. You look like a deformed orange. Though at times a troublemaker, Zack had a heart of gold. You are an incredibly unlikeable freak.

As for your woman, she is no Kelly Kapowski. Kelly was smart, sexy, and full of confidence. Sammi, on the other hand, is dumb, tanorexic, and self-conscious. Kelly was an independent woman; when she and Zack broke up, she put the pieces of her life back together and moved on, her radiant smile never leaving her face. Sammi can’t watch you look at another girl without falling apart and clinging endlessly to the only person more self-conscious than she is.

So don’t you dare ever even think of comparing your relationship to that of Zack and Kelly, you shit-brown Incredible Hulk wannabe.

Sincerely,

Richard Belding

What was that all about?

Anyway, it’s time for the gang’s work orientation! Last year, they had to sell T-shirts. This year, they’re selling gelato! They go to the shop and are greeted by their boss, an old Italian guy. He makes fun of Pauly’s hair and Snooki’s stupid glasses, and I love him already. The work orientation involved the guy showing them how to scoop a cup of gelato. I’m sure this 90-second segment was edited down considerably. Something tells me Mike had trouble understanding this menial task.

Did I just have a paragraph where I didn’t mention Sammi or Ronnie? Well that’s about to change. Ronnie tells us how he’s in a lot of emotional pain, so he wants to get a tattoo to take his mind off of that. While he’s getting the tattoo, he holds Tanny’s hand the whole time. After getting inked, he says how it was so painful and he’s so thankful that she was there to hold his hand. Um, hello? Didn’t you want the pain of the tattoo to take your mind of the pain your woman’s causing you? Then you kiss her ass for taking her mind of the tattoo pain? I have a headache.

Before going out for the night, Mike talks about his fashion regimen. He starts off by wearing a clean wife-beater or, as he calls it, the shirt before the shirt. The shirt before the shirt is what he and his boys like to lounge around in before they put on the shirt they’re gonna wear out. When it comes time to put on the real shirt, he can’t make up his mind between a purple one and a yellow one with a girl’s face on it. Both look like they were meant to attract boys. But that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

"Purple shirt or yellow shirt? Blue eye shadow or gold? Panties or thong? Light or super absorbent?"

At the club, Ronnie asks Sammi to dance, and she disappoints him by saying no. You reap what you sew, Ron-man. Elsewhere, Mike is making out with a girl (I know!), but the session promptly ends after she bites him. Angelina is desperate for attention and starts dancing with a girl. A little later, Angie flips out Pauly because he’s talking to a girl who’s almost engaged. Um, hello? As Pauly points out, last season Angelina was dating a married guy.

Just as the first segment of this episode was confusing and a complete waste of time, so is the ending. Angelina, drunk off her ass, professes her love for Pauly. He doesn’t say anything back, so she slaps him. She cries and cries. And Pauly tells her how no one in the house likes her.

So ends a boring episode that focused way too much on reality TV’s most boring couple. There wasn’t nearly enough of Snooki. The next episode should be good though. Snooks and Vinny (who?) hook up!

This entry was posted on August 11, 2010 at 9:46 pm and is filed under MTV's "Jersey Shore". You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments.

Tags: guidas, guidettes, guidos, J-WOWW, Jersey Shore, MTV, snooki, the situation