“Jersey Shore” Episode 4 Recap: Yawwwwn

This season is turning out to be pretty sucky. I could easily just recap the entire episode in one sentence: Sammi and Ronnie broke up but then got back together. But since there’s no fun in that, I’ll give you the whole shpiel.

The episode starts like all the rest, with the gang at some club. The other guys tell Ronnie how he’s president of the IFF. I have no idea what that stands for, but, since these guys act like they’re twelve, my guess is that IFF stands for the International Farting Federation. Anyway, Mike says how Sammi has no idea that Ronnie’s such a man-whore and that she’s being punk’d. Oh boy. Saying someone got punk’d is so 2003, which actually makes perfect sense. That’s when Grandpa Mike would have been 21, and it’s clear that he’s desperately trying to hold onto his youth. But he, and his receding hairline, can’t fool us.

The girls are at the house, and Snooki is inexplicably walking around with a teddy bear. So cute! Her gorilla juicehead Emilio calls her and says how he’s at a club with half-naked girls. Snooki gets mad and explains how all guys suck and that it’s no wonder the lesbian rate is going up. Uh huh.

❤ ❤ ❤

Tanny Bug Eyes then asks Snooki and J-WOWW if Ronnie’s doing anything behind her back. They get really awkward and look at each other but don’t say anything. Any normal person would realize that this means yes. But Sammi is pretty slow. Though she gets a little suspicious, she still trusts Ronnie 100%. We then see Ronnie at the club dancing with some tranny-looking Asian version of Jocelyn Wildenstein. To each his own.

You left Sammi at home for this???

But back to someone we actually care about. Snooki gets another call from her boyfriend, and, this time, he tells her that he effed some girl. He says he was drunk and that he’s sorry. Apparently he expected our girl to just forgive him, but Snooki is no Sammi. She flips out at him, and then he tries to say he was kidding. He calls back a little later and J-WOWW answers and goes off on him, calling him a “drunk skank with no job.” Of course, that insult could be hurled back at anyone on this show.

Now for some more Ronnie and Sammi drama. She’s mad at him for staying out longer than an hour. He doesn’t care and calls her a bitch. He adds how their relationship is like beating a dead horse. Wow. Even this guy’s metaphors are abusive. Once again, Sammi asks the girls if they’ve seen Ronnie doing anything behind her back. Once again, they all get really quiet and awkward, and it should be obvious to anyone that something’s going on.

But now for some hilarious kitchen antics! Mike is cooking dinner for everyone. He explains that this is their first family dinner, since the other dinner he tried to make was sabotaged by Snooki. Um, hello? You’re the one who left that chicken precariously perched in the refrigerator. Don’t go blaming my Snooks. Speaking of her, though, she opens a bottle of champagne and the cork almost hits Ronnie in the face. Too bad it didn’t.

After dinner, the group decides to sit around and ask each other stupid questions. As Snooki says, it’s just a chance for them to “dress in slutty clothes and be dumbasses.” So it’s just another day for them. Anyway, one of the questions is “Who is president of the IFF?” Everyone says Ronnie and Sammi looks at him suspiciously. I still don’t know what IFF stands for. Then they asked some more mature questions, like “Which two people in the house would you want a threesome with?” and “Which guy would you let take a dump on your chest?” The last question we see is “Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?” As you can imagine, things got really awkward. If Sammi doesn’t realize something’s up by now, then bitch is just hopeless.

"Hmmm...So if Professor Plum was in the conservatory with the lead pipe, and the gunman was on the grassy knoll, and I carry the one and divide by seven...nope, I still can't put two and two together."

The next day, the guys do their GTL thing. As Mike puts it, “You need to be on your tip-top game with your GTL so you can stay FTD and get the girls to DTF in MIA.” Yes, this is what a 28 year old said. You just know he spent like a couple hours putting this all together. And just like IFF, I don’t know what half of those abbreviations mean. Meanwhile, J-WOWW, Snooki, and Angelina talk about how they should tell Sammi about Ronnie. J-WOWW suggests they type an anonymous letter. Angelina rightly points out that even if Sammi does know the truth, she’ll still go back to him. But then she ruins any good will she’s built up with me by farting on Snooki. For reals.

Later on, the gang is at a club, and Ronnie tries to break it off with Sammi. She’s pretty shocked but tells us Sammie and Ronnie are done. She also says how the relationship was taking its toll on her physically and emotionally and she’s happy to be single….for five minutes. Ronnie has a little too much to drink, and Sammi feels obligated to take care of him. It would be fine if she just helped him get in the door or cleaned up his vomit, but she was babying him and everything. It was pretty disgusting. So they’re officially back together. It’s kind like Stan and Wendy from South Park, but not nearly as cute.

The rest of the episode mostly focused on these two idiots, so no point in recapping all of the drama. But there were a couple other points of interest. Vinny and Pauly are working at the gelato shop, flirting with all the girls that come in. Pauly was pretty funny and told them how Vinny likes to spoon, but he likes to fork. The other funny thing is when Snooki and J-WOWW go to a cyber café to type up their anonymous letter. While Mike the situation is funny enough, all of Snooki’s typos make it a million times better.

How many errors can you find?

But yeah this episode was probably my least favorite. If only they showed more Snooki. At least all the stores by me are starting to put up their Halloween merchandise. Now I get to see America’s favorite pumpkin all the time.

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