Posted tagged ‘Food’

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A Touch of Sweden on the Turnpike

April 20, 2010

It’s been said before, particularly by me, but the New Jersey Turnpike is horrible. Traffic. Cops. Tolls. Refineries. Litter. These are just a few of the nasty things you’ll see on that road. Among all of these horrible sights, though, is perhaps the one bright spot on the Turnpike: an IKEA! That’s right. Just off of Exit 13A in the shithole town of Elizabeth is the IKEA, which serves as a Swedish oasis in the otherwise barren landscape of the Armpit of America.

Upon exiting off the Turnpike, you’ll follow signs to get to the Swedish superstore. You’ll know you’re there when you see three giant poles bearing the flags of the United States, Sweden, and the greatest nation of all, New Jersey. Once you walk past the flagpoles and into the store, you’re welcomed by a sign advertising the store’s famous Swedish meatballs. Because when you need to go shopping for new furniture, you logically want to buy meatballs at the same time.

If you see this much blue and gold and it's too early for Chanukah, you're probably at an IKEA.

For the three people out there who have never been to an IKEA, it is a huge home furnishings store selling a whole bunch of stuff for your house (like meatballs). All of their goods are supposedly made in Sweden…or made to resemble stuff in Sweden? I don’t really know. But, based on the crowds of people that swarm in on the store each day, I guess that if it’s Swedish, it’s good. (more…)

Categories: Armpit Adventures
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Comments: 3 Comments

I Ate A Jersey Burger!

March 21, 2010

Mmmm......New Jersey....

This should come as no surprise to any reader of this blog, but I’m a little obsessed with New Jersey. So, when I saw something called a “Jersey Burger” on a menu last night, I had to get it.

The item was on the menu at the legendary Stuff Yer Face in New Brunswick. I call it legendary because, aside from being a staple of that city’s nightlife, celebrity chef Mario Batali actually got his start in the restaurant business at this place.

Stuff Yer Face is most famous for its wide selection of “bolis,” their version of the stromboli. They have at least 50 different varieties, all filled with some combination of meats, cheeses, and vegetables. You could also create your own, with over a billion permutations. Although I was originally going to pick a boli to eat, I turned the page to the less frequented sandwich page of the menu. Imagine by surprise when I saw the Jersey Burger there.

I’ve never seen or heard of a Jersey burger before, so I assume it’s a unique creation of Stuff Yer Face. Just as a California burger contains avocado and a Mexican burger has jalapeños, a Jersey burger is topped with used condoms and hairspray. Just kidding.

The Jersey burger includes a couple slices of pork roll and mozzarella. For whatever reason, pork roll (also known as Taylor ham or poor man’s sausage) is perhaps New Jersey’s most famous contribution to the culinary world. Though usually eaten in the Armpit of America as one-third of a pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich, it is a welcome addition to a hamburger. As for why mozzarella was put on the Jersey burger, my only guess is that it pays tribute to the too many Italians in the state.

So now that I’ve described what the hell a Jersey burger is, let me tell you what it tastes like. It tasted like a hamburger with pork roll and mozzarella. It wasn’t the best burger I ever had, but it got the job done. The name definitely made it taste better. So, if you ever get the urge to take a bite out of New Jersey, go to Stuff Yer Face and order the Jersey burger. God knows, the state chews all of us up, so why not return the favor?

Categories: Food, New Brunswick
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Comments: 1 Comment

State vs. State: Pennsylvania

February 9, 2010

After proving beyond any doubt how New Jersey is so much better than Delaware, I have my sights set on the Armpit of America’s western neighbor. While comparing Delaware to New Jersey was obviously pretty easy, proving that my state is better than Pennsylvania may be a little trickier. But let’s give it a try.

When one hears the word “Pennsylvania,” there are a few images that come to mind: the green patchwork of farmland, the quaint little towns, and the beautiful mountains and valleys. Well, newsflash: New Jersey has all these things too. Big deal, right? Well New Jersey is like one quarter the size of Pennsylvania, so all of our farmland, quaint towns, and mountains are all within an hour or so drive of each other. Compare that with the over 5 hours it takes to drive from one end of Pennsylvania to the other.

Which brings me to the next point. Just look at the two states on a map. New Jersey is shaped like a voluptuous woman, drawing you in like a siren. On top of that, the girlish figure of our state is all natural, for the most part. Aside from the northeastern border with New York, New Jersey’s boundaries are all formed by water. And how is Pennsylvania shaped? Like a boring rectangle with a misplaced wedge on top. What other state has a stupid wedge on top?? Only Pennsylvania.

They obviously didn't have enough room for Pennsylvania's official slogan: "Virtue, Liberty, Independence, and Stupid Wedges"

The story behind that odd wedge is yet another reason to make fun of the state. Originally, that sliver of land belonged to New York. Since it stretched all the way to Ohio, poor Pennsylvania didn’t have access to Lake Erie. So the crybaby people of that state did what they still do best: whine until they get their way. So they finally got their connection to the Great Lakes, but at the cost of having a misshapen wedge at the top of the state. (more…)

Categories: State vs. State
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Comments: 7 Comments

Top 5 Pretentious Restaurants in New Brunswick

December 22, 2009

Mmmm...pretentious...

Here’s yet another new feature for all of you – my Top 5 lists!

As you can tell, my first subject is pretentious restaurants in New Brunswick (New Brunswick the city in New Jersey, not that Canadian state province).

For those who have never been to New Brunswick, my former and current place of residence, the city has quite an interesting culinary scene. As New Brunswick is home to Rutgers, the State University of the Armpit of America, there is no shortage of cheap, unhealthy food geared towards college students – like the Grease Trucks and a countless number of pizza places.

On the other hand, New Brunswick offers plenty of more exotic options, like a couple Middle Eastern places and no less than two Jamaican restaurants. Oddly enough, there aren’t any of those casual chains, like Chilis, Applebees, and Fridays within the city limits (though there is a Qdobas and a Chipotle right across from each other). But what New Brunswick lacks in name brand restaurants, it more than makes up for with plenty of overpriced, snobby, and pretentious dining options:

5. Old Man Rafferty’s – I’m sure putting this on the list won’t make me any additional friends. Though Old Man Rafferty’s is a staple in New Brunswick, this place is more hype than substance. While I admit the food is good, it’s about the same quality and selection you can find at an Applebees or Houlihans (though a lot more expensive). Whatever your thoughts on it may be, people just love this place. But is the standard 45 minute wait you’ll almost always encounter worth it? I don’t think so. So let those parents visiting their children at college go to Old Man Rafferty’s, and everyone else can and should go somewhere else.

4. Daryl Wine Bar and Restaurant – Admittedly, I’ve never been to this place. But it just oozes pretentiousness. First of all, who the hell opens a wine bar in a gritty college town? Secondly, on their logo, the “y” in Daryl is shaped like a wine glass. Uh, sorry to burst your bubble, Daryl, but New Brunswick’s beloved CLYDZ already had that idea and executed it a lot better than you! Anyway, a look at Daryl’s website just confirms its pretentiousness. Rather than showing a room full of people happily drinking and eating away, the main image is of an unwelcoming, stark, and empty dining room full of stiff, high-backed white chairs.

As for the food, it seems just as unappealing. The menu appears to be typical of many expensive, fancy restaurants – small selection, even smaller servings, and exuberant prices. The menu tries to go out of the way to talk up the food, with offerings like Bershire Pork Loin (the fuck does that mean?), Wild Caught Cod (putting “wild caught” in front of “cod” doesn’t make it any more appetizing), and Australian Sea Bass (I guess Daryl is too good for the more standard Chilean variety). (more…)

Categories: Food, New Brunswick, Top 5
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Comments: 9 Comments

The Best of New Jersey: Delicious Orchards

December 2, 2009

I’m happy to introduce a new feature on this little Armpit of America blog. As you can see above, this new feature is called “The Best of New Jersey.” In these entries, I’m going to put aside some (but not all) of the snark you’ve come to expect from me and just talk positively about something in New Jersey that makes life in the Armpit of America somewhat better.

The first place I’m writing about is Delicious Orchards on Route 34 in Colts Neck. For those who don’t know what it is, Delicious Orchards is a country store selling a wide variety of produce, a huge selection of baked goods, and a whole bunch of other good, high-quality stuff. Since this meager description probably doesn’t due the store any justice or let you see what’s so special about it, allow me to walk you through, section by section.

Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera. To make up for it, here's a picture of a bag!

Upon entering, you are greeted by a thousand different scents, each one more intoxicating than the next. Okay, maybe that’s a little too flowery, but I’ll go on. The first section you encounter when walking in is the baked goods section. You will be surrounded by shelves and shelves stocked full of cookies and donuts. As long as I can remember, no trip to Delicious Orchards was complete without picking up a package of their plain apple cider donuts and their sugar cookies. To this day, I still can’t go to the store without buying these two items. Their mere scents immediately soften my bitter 26-year-old soul and bring me back to my slightly less bitter childhood.

Anyway, after passing through the welcoming gate of cookies and donuts, you’ll walk past some more baked goods – breads, cakes, and pies – all made on the premises. Once past the bakery, you’ll end up in the cheese section, where the aromas of thousands of cheeses from all over the world fill up your nostrils. The cheese section then leads logically to the meat section. Delicious Orchards offers all kinds of meat, from the standard chicken and beef to goose liver pate and gourmet sausages.

While the store is already impressive, it’s not until you get to the produce that you are really in awe. With a name like Delicious Orchards, it’s obvious what their specialty is. The site of mountains upon mountains of fresh fruit and vegetables is truly breathtaking. The store’s selection of over 20 different types of apples will put any supermarket to shame. In addition to its wide selection of the most common types of produce, Delicious Orchards has plenty of unique items I haven’t seen anywhere else. If someone can tell me where else in New Jersey you can find pomelos, black turnips, and patty pan squash year round, please let me know. Not that I actually buy these things, I’m just trying to prove a point.

I hope you can now see why this humble little farm store represents the best of New Jersey. Though many people like to joke about how the Garden State is such an inappropriate nickname for New Jersey, one visit to Delicious Orchards will clear any doubts about the worthiness of that moniker. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go finish this bag of sugar cookies…

Compare this to the ingredient list of a box of Oreos and tell me which sounds better.

Categories: Best of NJ
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Comments: 2 Comments

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