Jersey Lager

Posted October 17, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Random
Tags: , , , ,

On my way to a party this past summer, I stopped off at the local liquor store to pick up a little something. After unsuccessfully trying to avoid the two jerks from my high school who were working there, I perused the store’s beer selection. I saw a shelf of six-packs that immediately caught my attention. Right there on the neck of each bottle was the outline of everyone’s favorite odd-shaped state.

Jersey Lager Ingredients: water, hops, barley, Jon Bon Jovi's sweat, yeast

Jersey Lager Ingredients: water, hops, barley, Jon Bon Jovi's sweat, yeast

Upon closer inspection, I saw that the beer was called Jersey Lager, and it was produced by a company called Wiedenmayer. My first thoughts, and certainly yours as well, were who the hell would buy beer made in New Jersey? To answer that question, me. I would proudly buy beer made in New Jersey and did just that. And so have you (probably).

Anyone who has been to the former Newark Airport, which is now known as Newark Liberty Airport, has surely seen that giant building with the big, rotating Anheuser-Busch sign at the top. That’s right, if you drank any member of the Anheuser-Busch family of beers, including Budweiser, Busch, Michelob, Rolling Rock, or Natural Ice, than you have had New Jersey beer! New Jersey beer made with Newark tap water!

Now that I’ve grossed you all out, let’s get back to the subject at hand – Jersey Lager. I gave one of the jerks from my high school the money for the beer and made my way to the party. After putting the beer on the counter and photographing it, I made my rounds. After coming back to the kitchen, all six beers were gone. I guess that’s what I deserve for being cheap and not springing for another pack.

So, unfortunately, I can’t give you a detailed description of the beer. And, since I’m not much of a beer connoisseur, I’d probably give a bad description anyway. Luckily, some of my drunken friends were able to give me their reviews:

“It was alright.”

“It’s good.”

“YEAH JERSEYYYYYY WOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

After analyzing this feedback, I’ve come to the conclusion that Wiedenmayer’s Jersey Lager is perfectly mediocre. However, most, if not all, of the appeal lies in the name itself, as proven by my impulse buy and the third panelist’s feedback.

I know it is odd to present a product I haven’t actually tried myself. But, if you don’t mind generic beer with a little picture of New Jersey on the label, then Jersey Lager may be just the beer for you!

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The Grease Trucks

Posted October 11, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Food, New Brunswick, Rutgers
Tags: , , , , ,

We all do stupid things in college. Whether drinking yourself to oblivion, experimenting with new drugs, getting pregnant, or getting someone else pregnant, college is a time to expand your horizons and endanger your health. Rutgers University, my alma mater, provides its students with a unique impetus for self destruction – the Grease Trucks.

The menu of a Grease Truck. Note the absense of little red hearts indicating the health-friendly items.

The menu of a Grease Truck. Note the absense of little red hearts indicating the health-friendly items.

While they may not be as dangerous or life altering as some of the other things you can do in college, buying low-quality fried foods made in the back of a truck by creepy Middle-Eastern men isn’t the most sensible option either. Still, this hasn’t stopped the infinite number of Rutgers students, alumni, and New Brunswick locals who can’t quit the habit.

The Grease Trucks serve a wide selection of foods, including such Middle Eastern standards as falafel, hummus, grape leaves, and spinach pie. However, these healthier options take a back seat to the trucks’ main draw – the “fat sandwiches.” The trucks have a variety of fat sandwiches, consisting of some type of meat, cheese, sauce, and fries, all served on a giant roll.

The five trucks, though each owned and operated independently, have pretty much the same sandwiches on each of their menus. Some of the standards include:

  • Fat Cat – The first fat sandwich invented, and the first one I ever ate, consists of two hamburger patties, cheese, fries, ketchup, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and onion.
  • Fat Bitch – No, this one doesn’t include Rosie O’Donnell meat. Instead, it is made of cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and fries. This is one of the most popular sandwiches, if for no other reason than the name.
  • Fat Moon – The Fat Moon contains eggs, bacon, cheese, and fries. Though this one was my favorite for a while, I ditched it once I realized that the “chefs” leave their eggs sitting out all day.
  • Fat Darrel – This sandwich is made up of chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, fries, and marinara sauce. Though I don’t see what the big deal about this one is, it was declared the best sandwich in America by Maxim Magazine for reasons still unclear.
  • Fat Filipino – The Fat Filipino, along with the Fat Bitch, was at the center of an ethical dispute several years ago. I’m not even sure if they still make it these days. However, it is worth including on this list for being the fattest of the fat sandwiches. It was made of cheesesteak AND gyro meat, accompanied by fries and covered in yogurt sauce.

The inside of a Fat Bitch. Incidentally, fries, mozzarella sticks, and cheesesteaks can be found inside of most fat bitches.

The inside of a Fat Bitch. Of course, fries, mozzarella sticks, and cheesesteaks can be found inside many fat bitches.

To be honest, the fat sandwiches aren’t even that good. While they are certainly delicious at 2:00 am after a night of drinking, any other time of day they are just alright. When you take a bunch of greasy foods and shove them into a giant roll, each item tends to take on the flavors of everything surrounding it.

Fries, which are usually the best part of any meal, just make things worse. The fries at the Grease Trucks are, appropriately enough, really greasy, and they don’t have any salt. If they were crispy, they would at least give the sandwiches some much needed texture. Instead, they just blend in with everything else.

Despite my culinary critiques, the Grease Trucks provide for a fun, filling, and cheap meal. They are also a cornerstone of Rutgers and New Brunswick culture. Four years after graduating, my friends and I still frequent the Grease Trucks after a night of New Brunswick barhopping. The Grease Trucks are definitely an interesting place. I guarantee there isn’t any other location on Earth where you could clog your arteries, pick up drunk college chicks, and see scenes like this:

My fellow Jews dancing around with a Torah at the Grease Trucks. Something isn't quote kosher about this.

My fellow Jews dancing around with a Torah at the Grease Trucks. Something isn't quote kosher about this scene.

Comments: 3 Comments

I have a blog?

Posted October 7, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Personal
Tags: ,

My sincerest apologies.

I know I haven’t updated in a looooong time. But I have a good excuse – I got a new job! I started this Armpit of America blog when I was unemployed. I figured I could do what I love and add something else to my resume. Well my master plan certainly worked – I got a job after just four entries!

Though I wish I could post more often, I’ve been incredibly busy. I work all day and then come home only to do some more freelance work. Between my two jobs, I just haven’t had time for the more important things in life, like writing blog entries about New Jersey.

Anyway, I’m really going to step up my efforts for this site. I had some crazy New Jersey adventures this summer, so I have a wealth of stories to share. Also, I recently moved back to New Brunswick, which can easily be described as the ugly, hairy mole on the armpit that is New Jersey. I know I’ll have plenty of stories to write about this one-of-a-kind city.

So there are a lot of things to look forward to on my little piece of the Internet. While I won’t give away all of my ideas right away, I will say that my future entries will include pictures. No more solid text entries from me…except for this one.

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More Like Point Un-Pleasant…

Posted June 13, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Bars
Tags: , , ,

There comes at least one point in everyone’s lives when you realize that something you loved as a kid truly is a piece of shit. This can happen with a TV show (such as when I recently saw an old episode of Ren and Stimpy) or perhaps a favorite candy (anyone remember Gushers?). Either way, it’s incredibly disappointing when you discover that something that you only have positive memories of never was that great to begin with. I had one of these ah-ha (or rather uh-oh) moments last night in Point Pleasant.

Point Pleasant is a shore town in Ocean County, known for its boardwalk, a surprisingly nice aquarium, and its two biggest bars, Martell’s Tiki Bar and Jenks. Both are found on long piers that stretch right up to ocean; but this is the only thing they have in common. Jenks, with its loud club music and all-around trashiness, attracts world-class Jersey skanks, which in turn attract the loud, greasy New Yorkers. Martell’s, on the other hand, offers a more fun and laid-back experience. Or at least it used to.

Although it’s easy to understand how our perspective of something can change as we go from youth to adulthood, it’s harder to accept when something goes downhill in the course of a year. Martell’s was always my favorite shore bar, and I have plenty of great memories hanging out at the end of the pier with friends as the moon rose over the maritime horizon. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. Anyway, I was expecting to have the usual good time there last night, but something was horribly wrong.

Upon entering, which was more difficult than it should have been (since the ID-checker, wristband-wrapper, and money-taker were all on top of each other), I noticed that the bar didn’t look right. It was definitely missing something…like people. The entire pier is usually packed end to end. As this was the first warm, rain-free Friday night in a long time, and because the unofficial summer season is well under way, the bar should have been mobbed.

Perhaps this lack of people could be attributed to the band that was performing last night. Now crappy cover bands are a staple of any bar on the Jersey Shore. However, there is a difference between a crappy cover band and a crappy cover band. A crappy cover band is what you expect to hear – although not great, they get the job done and keep people entertained. A crappy cover band, though, fails at this. The band from last night was definitely a crappy cover band. It was bad enough that they decided to play the annoying Poker Face. It was a worse decision to have their male singer perform it.

My next gripe about Martell’s has to do with the drinks. I ordered my standard Vodka Tonic and a Corona for the girlfriend. After handing the bartender a $20, I was given a five-dollar bill, two singles, and some change in return. If my math is correct, that means I paid over $12 for those two simple drinks. Now if my Vodka Tonic was made with Grey Goose or if the Corona came with some special kind of lime, I could understand the price. However, my drink was made with generic vodka, and, as far as I could tell, the lime in the Corona was just a regular one. Regardless, my drink was served in a really tiny glass. No standard-sized plastic cup or the like. This was a glorified shot glass. After ordering another one, I was told the price was $6.50. Now I could understand paying this much for a Vodka Tonic at a swanky bar in Manhattan. However, there is no reason for a grimy shore bar to charge twice as much money for half a drink.

After hanging out there for a couple hours, we left the bar to get some food on the boardwalk. We then tried to get back in to use the bathroom before leaving. However, the bouncer wouldn’t let us it and said, “It’s last call, no one gets in.” I pointed out how he had just let these two girls back in right in front of us. He then said its because they had to meet up with their friends. I replied, “So you let people back in to ‘meet up with their friends,’ but we can’t go in to use the bathroom?” The poor thing looked perplexed. A couple minutes passed before he finally responded with, “Yeah, thats right.” I then told him what a great job he was doing. He smiled and said thanks, without the slightest bit of sarcasm or cynicism, as if he thought I was really complimenting him.

The boardwalk at Point Pleasant, and specifically Martell’s Tiki Bar, have always been a fun place to hang out at. Yet, last night was a less-than-spectacular experience. An unorganized staff, a crappy cover band, pricey and unsatisfying drinks, and dumb bouncers all worked together to tarnish my image of this magical place. In the past, I would have recommended that anyone from another state go to Martell’s to see a more pleasant side of New Jersey. However, after last night, it really represents the Armpit of America.

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Memorial Day Weekend in Sea Isle City

Posted May 27, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Jersey Shore
Tags: , , , ,

This past weekend, some friends and I rented a house in Sea Isle City. For those who have never heard of Sea Isle City, it is kind of like the equivalent of Belmar to those of us north of Ocean County. I sure never heard of it until I started dating a girl from the South (south Jersey that is). Anyway, as the name implies, Sea Isle City is a little city on an island by the sea. While there are probably a bunch of better names, no one can accuse the town of false advertising. Anyway, it is a really nice place, made even nicer by the fact that I didn’t see any guidos.

Since, as everyone should be aware of by now, I was at the Bruce show Saturday night, I couldn’t make it to the house until Sunday. Despite the late arrival, I still had an incredible 48 hours in Sea Isle City. While the rest of the group were up in Ocean City when we got there, we explored our new home for the next couple days. The house was huge and could easily sleep about 15 people, not counting floor space. It also had a lot of nice bowls, plates, glasses, and other stuff that could be easily broken by a bunch of drunk twenty-somethings. As far as I know, nothing got broken, but there were some close calls.

After exploring the house, we walked onto the beach. It was incredibly windy, the sky was dark, and the water was freezing. Despite these conditions, there were actually a few people swimming. Most notable was a rather large girl with a boogey board who kept bending over and sticking her ass out for some reason. What made this scene even more hilarious was that she was wearing shorts that matched her skin color perfectly, making it seem as though she was naked from the waist down.

We then went back to the house as everyone else was coming back from Ocean City. As we all greeted each other and were introduced to unfamiliar people, the drinks started pouring. And, after we all got a little buzzed, we decided to make dinner – hot dogs and hamburgers. After about half an hour, the designated grill master came inside and announced that the grill was out of gas. This meal was becoming a real propane in the ass! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun.) I suggested putting everything in the oven. After another 15 minutes, someone realized that I never turned the oven on. Oops. While this was going on, the people making pasta salad were having their own ordeal. Apparently, no one could find a colander. In order to cool the pasta down, someone had the drunken idea of putting the pasta in a bowl of ice. After being advised to just pour cold water in the bowl and strain it, someone dumped half the pasta in the sink. Surprisingly, the pasta salad was delicious.

After “dinner,” we had dessert, which was just more alcohol and a delicious strawberry thing. Before leaving for the bar, we drank some more and played around with a midget blowup doll. Someone decided to put hot dogs in her orifices. We then walked to a bar called Ocean Drive. I don’t remember much of what happened, but, if the pictures are any proof, I think I had a good time. After somehow finding our way back to the house, we had even more drunken fun. Again, I don’t remember much, but it involved me leg wrestling with another guy. Also, someone stabbed the blowup doll. 😦

The next day, Memorial Day, was a lot quieter. We all went to the beach in the morning. Everyone got up to go for a walk by the water, while I stayed behind reading a book. When they came back to our spot in the sand, they said there was a guy fishing and he caught a shark! Unfortunately, I missed this, but that’s what I get for reading like a nerd. We only stayed on the beach for a couple hours. Storm clouds rolled in with their thunder and rain, so we had to go back to the house.

That night, we went down to Wildwood to hang out on the boardwalk – my first time being at Wildwood in 12 years. Although it was pretty empty, all the stalls and shops were still open. We went to the candy store, where we bought fudge and candy cigarettes. Just as I was feeling really old and well past the age of buying candy, a boy in his early teens came up to our group to ask if any of us were eighteen and could buy him cigarettes. I took this as a compliment and rewarded him by buying him the goods. Kidding. We then spent a couple hours at an arcade. When we left, the boardwalk was completely empty, and mostly everything was closed. It definitely had a different appearance than a couple hours earlier. Everything looked so rundown and trashy. In other words, it was pure Armpit of America-ness.

The next day was really cold and rainy, really shitty weather for late May. We then packed up and left.

Although the weather wasn’t that great, it was still an incredibly fun time. There really is nothing like spending time in a beach house with your friends. Also, we got to experience the best of the Jersey Shore – the beach, the boardwalk, crappy cover bands, barbecuing (or at least attempting it), and all around drunkeness.

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