Posted tagged ‘Chris Christie’

My New Favorite Joke About New Jersey

May 5, 2012

Last weekend, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. During his speech/standup act, he picked on a bunch of political figures, making the same old tired jokes everyone’s heard before: teasing Obama about his big ears, joking about  Bill Clinton’s womanizing, and questioning Joe Biden’s intelligence.  And as is required with any political comedy act, he made fun of Chris Christie’s weight.

Even I’ll admit that joking about our governor’s weight is not only getting tired, it can be mean – and Kimmel’s first joke was a tad too much. For those interested, he said something about how inside each governor is a president waiting to get out – in Christie’s case you can still hear him screaming.  But after that cheap shot, he said something genius.

He suggested that Christie was confused and thought New Jersey’s nickname was the Olive Garden State.  Okay, maybe it’s not the best joke ever, but I think it works on so many levels, beyond just making fun of our governor’s girth. Drive past any of the many strip malls on the many highways in the Armpit of America and you’re bound to see an Olive Garden or three.  Aside from that, Olive Garden serves its patrons faux-Italian food, just like the many faux-Italian people calling this state home. And just like olives have a nasty stench, so does this state.

You can check out the whole Chris Christie thing below – starts at about 1:45:

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Update from the Garden State

April 12, 2012

Yep, it’s been a while.  Between starting a new job, moving, and some other stuff, I haven’t been able to blog as much as I’d like.  So this entry will hopefully make up for the past few months of neglect.

As stated three seconds ago, I got a new job. It’s in Middletown, Armpit of America, only 10 minutes from the town I grew up in, in a building I’ve driven past hundreds of times.  Around the time I was being considered for this job, I was also interviewing for a position in Pennsylvania. Though I was kind of excited about the prospect of leaving this state once and for all, I got an offer from the place in Middletown and never heard back from the Pennsylvania job.  Apparently, there really is no escape from New Jersey.

After a brief stint back home, with an enjoyable 10 minute commute, I moved back to Belmar.  Rather than another beachfront apartment, I’m now in a quaint little cottage in a quieter part of town.  It’s definitely more conducive to writing, so I hope to blog more frequently.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s catch up with some of my favorite New Jersey personalities.

Chris Christie has his highest approval ratings yet, despite being proven to be a liar.  While this might seem to be a paradox, it just proves that New Jersey has a love affair with corrupt politicians.

Snooki is pregnant.  While she claims her boyfriend Gianni is the father, I wouldn’t be surprised if the baby comes out with a receding hairline and a smug, undeserved sense of accomplishment.

Bruce Springsteen is touring again. I tried to get tickets but – surprise! – Ticketmaster screwed me over.  On the bright side, since I couldn’t see Bruce last week, I went to Video Games Live instead!  It was amazing!  They have an orchestra performing music from video games – it’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds.  Maybe.

During the show, they played the music from Castlevania and brought out the woman who composed the original soundtrack for the game. Who looked like she was 20, despite the fact that the game came out in 1986. She must be undead just like the characters in the game.  Anyway, it turns out that this women recently moved from Japan to New Jersey. Why anyone would do that is beyond me.

One more update – I’m actually going to Japan! While I wish I could say it’s to investigate why Kinuyo Yamashita left her home country for the Armpit of America, it’s more of a vacation.  But maybe it will inspire to bring back my old State Vs. State (or country) feature. Maybe.

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: A Review

October 31, 2011

This Halloweekend, I had the pleasure of watching what is obviously the best movie ever, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  As the name implies, this 1988 film is about a bunch of clown-like aliens who land on Earth and kill everyone in sight.  With a premise like that, what’s not to love?  Anyway, about five minutes into the movie, I knew I’d have to write about it.  But how would such a review fit in on a blog about New Jersey?

As the movie progressed, it hit me.  Killer Klowns from Outer Space may very well take place right here in the Armpit of America.  The evidence?  Well, although the movie is set in the fictional town of Crescent Cove, the characters make reference to neighboring Marlboro, a prominent town in central Jersey.  Also, if clown aliens ever really came to Earth to kill as many people as possible, it only makes sense that they’d land in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the country.  Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time an evil clown has wreaked havoc in New Jersey…

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Who Would You Kick Out of New Jersey?

July 10, 2011

As much as I love New Jersey, even I’ll admit that there are a lot of assholes in this state.  The Armpit of America would definitely be a lot less stinky if certain people were to leave and never come back.  Any reader of this blog shouldn’t have too much trouble figuring out who I would like to kick out of New Jersey forever.  (HINT: His name rhymes with Miss Misty.)  But I want to know who you’d like to banish.

Below you’ll find some of the Garden State’s most famous and polarizing characters.    So let me know your thoughts by choosing who you would want to get rid of.  If your choice isn’t listed here, share your choice by leaving me a comment.

What’s Stinking in New Jersey?

May 21, 2011

What’s stinking in New Jersey this week?

This truck:

Yes, this truck says “1-800-DOG-POOP” on it.  Apparently it’s a dog waste cleaning service, which isn’t too uncommon.  But I sure got a kick out of it.

Aside from that, here are a couple other stinky things going on in the Armpit of America:

Governor Chris Christie got booed during his commencement address at Seton Hall.

Lieutenant Governor Kim Guadagno also got booed at a graduation.  (They probably should have left those two little boys in charge).

The Situation’s father is just as big of a loser as his son.  He set up a site called The Confrontation, with the goal of slandering his son.

Well, that’s about it from me.  On a side note, I’m leaving shortly for vacation!  As much as I love New Jersey, it’s good to get away every now and then – it just makes me appreciate the state even more.

Our Fame-Hungry Governor Meets His Match(es)

May 10, 2011

"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new.  So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.

When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things.  Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day.  The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds.  But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.

It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno.  The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there.  It’s pretty nauseating.  But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.

This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it.  Notice anything funny about it?  Like how the whole thing seems completely staged?  That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears?  And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.”  When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was.  It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.

And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!”  The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold.  Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”  I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old?  I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. (more…)