Posted tagged ‘Chris Christie’

A Sad Day in New Jersey

February 14, 2012

Today, the body of Whitney Houston was flown back to her home city of Newark, New Jersey.  And to coincide with her funeral on Saturday, Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to be flown at half-mast in honor of her passing.  How sad is that?  I mean, really.  She was a singer at best and a drug addict at worst.  Does this deserve the rare honor usually reserved for military people and our state’s former governors?  You know, people who actually did stuff to serve and protect the state and country?

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I just think the whole thing is a bit excessive.  Though she grew up in the Armpit of America, she hasn’t lived here since she became famous.  So why is Christie calling her such an icon and giving her this rare distinction?  Especially for someone who spent the last decade of her life addicted to Bobby Brown and crack. Sure, she was a talented singer, but does that automatically pardon her poor life choices?

What worries me is the precedent this action sets up – if we have to fly the flags at half-mast for every dead crackhead from Newark, the American flag may never fly at full mast in New Jersey ever again.

In other sad news from North Jersey, the city of Hoboken decided not to allow MTV to film Snooki and J-WOWW in a spinoff of “Jersey Shore.”  Instead, the show will be filmed in Jersey City.  I could care less.  Yes, that’s right.  I’m over “Jersey Shore.”  Five seasons in, the show has completely lost the luster of its first season.  Gone is the fun and goofy group we came to know.  Instead, we have a bunch of millionaires trying to outdo each other to get more screen time and more endorsements.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space: A Review

October 31, 2011

This Halloweekend, I had the pleasure of watching what is obviously the best movie ever, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  As the name implies, this 1988 film is about a bunch of clown-like aliens who land on Earth and kill everyone in sight.  With a premise like that, what’s not to love?  Anyway, about five minutes into the movie, I knew I’d have to write about it.  But how would such a review fit in on a blog about New Jersey?

As the movie progressed, it hit me.  Killer Klowns from Outer Space may very well take place right here in the Armpit of America.  The evidence?  Well, although the movie is set in the fictional town of Crescent Cove, the characters make reference to neighboring Marlboro, a prominent town in central Jersey.  Also, if clown aliens ever really came to Earth to kill as many people as possible, it only makes sense that they’d land in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the country.  Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time an evil clown has wreaked havoc in New Jersey…

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Who Would You Kick Out of New Jersey?

July 10, 2011

As much as I love New Jersey, even I’ll admit that there are a lot of assholes in this state.  The Armpit of America would definitely be a lot less stinky if certain people were to leave and never come back.  Any reader of this blog shouldn’t have too much trouble figuring out who I would like to kick out of New Jersey forever.  (HINT: His name rhymes with Miss Misty.)  But I want to know who you’d like to banish.

Below you’ll find some of the Garden State’s most famous and polarizing characters.    So let me know your thoughts by choosing who you would want to get rid of.  If your choice isn’t listed here, share your choice by leaving me a comment.

What’s Stinking in New Jersey?

May 21, 2011

What’s stinking in New Jersey this week?

This truck:

Yes, this truck says “1-800-DOG-POOP” on it.  Apparently it’s a dog waste cleaning service, which isn’t too uncommon.  But I sure got a kick out of it.

Aside from that, here are a couple other stinky things going on in the Armpit of America:

Governor Chris Christie got booed during his commencement address at Seton Hall.

Lieutenant Governor Kim Guadagno also got booed at a graduation.  (They probably should have left those two little boys in charge).

The Situation’s father is just as big of a loser as his son.  He set up a site called The Confrontation, with the goal of slandering his son.

Well, that’s about it from me.  On a side note, I’m leaving shortly for vacation!  As much as I love New Jersey, it’s good to get away every now and then – it just makes me appreciate the state even more.

Our Fame-Hungry Governor Meets His Match(es)

May 10, 2011

"I think four-year-olds are great...especially when paired with a 12-year-old scotch. Delicious!"

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted something new.  So to liven things up around here, let’s check in with what our lovely governor has been up to.

When he’s not stealing from the poor to give to the rich or fighting those horrible people known as teachers, Chris Christie is busy with some pretty important things.  Like jokingly appointing a four-year-old as governor for a day.  The clip is 12 minutes long and gets boring after the first 30 seconds.  But don’t worry. I did the grunt work of watching it, so I can fill you in.

It was pretty much just an incredibly staged press conference, with Christie putting the kid in charge and making his twin brother Lieutenant Governor, a useless position currently held by someone named Kim Guadagno.  The boys’ apparently fame-hungry parents are also there.  It’s pretty nauseating.  But the worst part was when Christie told his young proteges not to go on vacation at the same time, making light of the incident when he and Guadagno (whose main, if not only, responsibility is to be in charge when the Governor is out of state) were both on vacation during a horrible blizzard.

This whole spiel was in response to a supposedly viral video in which that little boy (who is three at the time) is crying because he wants to be Governor. Go ahead and watch it.  Notice anything funny about it?  Like how the whole thing seems completely staged?  That kid is totally fake-crying – where are the tears?  And how come despite “crying” hysterically, he can still put together whole sentences like “Everyone tells me I’m too small to be the Governor of New Jersey.”  When I was three, I’m fairly certain I didn’t even know what a governor was.  It’s more than obvious that this kid was fed these lines by his parents.

And in the middle of his incessant whining, the father asks the other kid who the governor of California is, to which he responds, “Ar-nol-shorts-ah-neh-gawww!”  The mother then prompts him to do an impression of Arnold.  Rather than saying “I’ll be back” or “Hasta la vista, baby!” the kid says, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”  I didn’t even know this was an Arnold quote, so how the hell does a three-year-old?  I wonder how many takes the parents had to do to get their kids to remember their lines correctly. (more…)