Belmar: The First 48 Hours

Posted September 6, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Bars, Belmar, Food, Jersey Shore
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Two days ago, I moved out of New Brunswick and into a beautiful oceanfront apartment in Belmar. Though New Brunswick will always have a special place in my heart, having lived there for five years, I’m happy to leave that city behind. One can only take so much dirt and crime and shady people. While the Armpit of America has more than its fair share of these things (hence the nickname), Belmar is a safe haven from such deviance. Or at least it’s relatively safe compared to elsewhere in the state.

Saturday afternoon, I rented a U-Haul and the woman and I brought all my stuff to the new place. After spending a couple hours unloading (somehow the two of us were able to carry two couches up a flight of stairs), we drove back to return the truck. We didn’t get back to Belmar until 10:30, at which point my roommate, his girlfriend, and three of our friends showed up. We ordered a giant pizza from 3 Brothers Pizza and spent the next couple hours setting up. Since we didn’t have cable, and still don’t as of right now, we tapped into my DVD collection. The Robot Chicken Star Wars episode and Yellow Submarine were the DVDS of choice. Though we talked about hitting up the bars, everyone was too tired and sweaty from moving to go out, so we just hung around until 2:00 before going to bed.

Sunday was spent shopping around at the saddest little Shop Rite (hard to explain but it’s just depressing) and K-Mart and finishing unpacking and everything else. When it was dinner time, we decided to try something different and went to Kaya’s Kitchen, a completely vegetarian restaurant run by hippies. Read the rest of this post »

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“Jersey Shore” Episode 4 Recap: Yawwwwn

Posted August 25, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This season is turning out to be pretty sucky. I could easily just recap the entire episode in one sentence: Sammi and Ronnie broke up but then got back together. But since there’s no fun in that, I’ll give you the whole shpiel.

The episode starts like all the rest, with the gang at some club. The other guys tell Ronnie how he’s president of the IFF. I have no idea what that stands for, but, since these guys act like they’re twelve, my guess is that IFF stands for the International Farting Federation. Anyway, Mike says how Sammi has no idea that Ronnie’s such a man-whore and that she’s being punk’d. Oh boy. Saying someone got punk’d is so 2003, which actually makes perfect sense. That’s when Grandpa Mike would have been 21, and it’s clear that he’s desperately trying to hold onto his youth. But he, and his receding hairline, can’t fool us.

The girls are at the house, and Snooki is inexplicably walking around with a teddy bear. So cute! Her gorilla juicehead Emilio calls her and says how he’s at a club with half-naked girls. Snooki gets mad and explains how all guys suck and that it’s no wonder the lesbian rate is going up. Uh huh.

❤ ❤ ❤

Tanny Bug Eyes then asks Snooki and J-WOWW if Ronnie’s doing anything behind her back. They get really awkward and look at each other but don’t say anything. Any normal person would realize that this means yes. But Sammi is pretty slow. Though she gets a little suspicious, she still trusts Ronnie 100%. We then see Ronnie at the club dancing with some tranny-looking Asian version of Jocelyn Wildenstein. To each his own. Read the rest of this post »

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New Jersey’s Ghetto Barber Shops

Posted August 23, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Armpit Adventures, New Brunswick
Tags: , , , ,

And now for a post that isn’t about “Jersey Shore”!

Let’s rewind back to Fourth of July weekend.  My hair (total Jew-fro) was getting a little too curly and unmanageable to be seen in public.  I had a friend who had been cutting my hair for free for the last couple of years, but she wasn’t available.  And, since I had plans to go out for the night, I needed a haircut that day.

Little known fact: Dustin Diamond and I are first cousins.

I googled around for barber shops in New Brunswick.  All the results I found fell into two categories: unisex hair salons or places bragging about their “street” and “Brooklyn” cuts.  I have too much pride to go someplace with the words unisex and salon in its title, but I’m not man enough to go to one of the ghetto places.  All I wanted was a barber shop catering to nerdy white guys.  Since there weren’t any such places in New Brunswick, I decided to look around in the nerdiest town in New Jersey:  Princeton. Read the rest of this post »

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“Jersey Shore” Episode 3 Recap: Snooking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Posted August 18, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This episode begins where the last when left off; Angelina is being the most annoying drunk person ever. She’s crying in front of Mike and Pauly and just making an idiot of herself. All the commotion wakes up J-WOWW, who looks like she’s ready to eff a bitch up. Fortunately for Angelina, J-WOWW takes pity because she’s so drunk.

That morning, Vinnie, Ronnie, and J-WOWW head over to the gelato shop for their first day of work. J-WOWW complains that the shirt they have to wear is too tight and that her boobs are suffocating. She then struggles to simply scoop the ice cream into a cone. In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, though, J-WOWW has no trouble giving a customer a milkshake.

Later on, Vinnie complains how he hasn’t gotten a good haircut since getting to Miami. Um, hello? It’s only been like 3 days, right? Anyway, he and Ronnie decide to go to a ghetto barber shop. As they walk through the hood, a part of me hopes they get mugged. But no such luck. They get their haircuts and rave about how good the ghetto barbers are. Meanwhile, they both look exactly the same.

Still looks like a douche...

Now it’s the time that we’ve all been waiting for. Sammi gives us the update about her and Ronnie! She explains that things are really good right now and he’s being so nice and understanding. Yeah, you just keep thinking that, Tanny Bug Eyes. We all know you’re just gonna be crying about him in a few minutes. Well, everyone knows except for you.

Ten minutes into the episode, we get our first glimpse of Ms. Snooki. Don’t the producers know that she’s the only reason people watch this show? Seriously, cut out all the dumb scenes of the Sammi/Ronnie drama and Angelina being grumpy and just show more Snooki. Everything she does is adorable. By the way, did you all catch her new makeover? Read the rest of this post »

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“Jersey Shore” Episode 2 Recap: Tranny Shops, Dirty Chicken, and Gelato

Posted August 11, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: MTV's "Jersey Shore"
Tags: , , , , , , ,

This was by far the most boring episode of “Jersey Shore.” Sammi and Ronnie fought and made up several times. Mike once again demonstrated his prowess in the kitchen. Angelina was a drunken bitch. Snooki was just adorable. That’s pretty much all that happened. There wasn’t much to work with, but hopefully this review will be more entertaining than the show itself.

Episode 2 begins with the guys going back to the house after Ronnie spent the night creeping. They’re sitting around talking about the night’s events. I honestly have no idea what they’re saying. Maybe it’s because they were drunk, or maybe it’s because I’m not fluent in guido. But seriously, go watch the first few minutes and tell me if you understand anything they say. Eventually we learn that Ronnie plans on getting into bed with Sammi, even though he spent the night making out with other girls. Vinny tells us he’s speechless…as usual. Pauly announces that Ronnie has a new nickname, but every time anyone says it, it gets bleeped out.

"HULK SMASH....RONNIE SMUSH"

Anyway, how does Mike feel about all this? “The whole situation, it’s a bad situation.” Wow, he really can’t go one sentence without mentioning that word. Meanwhile, Ronnie tells us that he had a “Shnookie” night, meaning he got so drunk he forgot what he did. It amazes me how these idiots still can’t say her name right. Maybe she should wear that stupid hat with her name on it more often. Read the rest of this post »

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