The Best of New Jersey: Delicious Orchards

Posted December 2, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Best of NJ
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m happy to introduce a new feature on this little Armpit of America blog. As you can see above, this new feature is called “The Best of New Jersey.” In these entries, I’m going to put aside some (but not all) of the snark you’ve come to expect from me and just talk positively about something in New Jersey that makes life in the Armpit of America somewhat better.

The first place I’m writing about is Delicious Orchards on Route 34 in Colts Neck. For those who don’t know what it is, Delicious Orchards is a country store selling a wide variety of produce, a huge selection of baked goods, and a whole bunch of other good, high-quality stuff. Since this meager description probably doesn’t due the store any justice or let you see what’s so special about it, allow me to walk you through, section by section.

Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera. To make up for it, here's a picture of a bag!

Upon entering, you are greeted by a thousand different scents, each one more intoxicating than the next. Okay, maybe that’s a little too flowery, but I’ll go on. The first section you encounter when walking in is the baked goods section. You will be surrounded by shelves and shelves stocked full of cookies and donuts. As long as I can remember, no trip to Delicious Orchards was complete without picking up a package of their plain apple cider donuts and their sugar cookies. To this day, I still can’t go to the store without buying these two items. Their mere scents immediately soften my bitter 26-year-old soul and bring me back to my slightly less bitter childhood.

Anyway, after passing through the welcoming gate of cookies and donuts, you’ll walk past some more baked goods – breads, cakes, and pies – all made on the premises. Once past the bakery, you’ll end up in the cheese section, where the aromas of thousands of cheeses from all over the world fill up your nostrils. The cheese section then leads logically to the meat section. Delicious Orchards offers all kinds of meat, from the standard chicken and beef to goose liver pate and gourmet sausages.

While the store is already impressive, it’s not until you get to the produce that you are really in awe. With a name like Delicious Orchards, it’s obvious what their specialty is. The site of mountains upon mountains of fresh fruit and vegetables is truly breathtaking. The store’s selection of over 20 different types of apples will put any supermarket to shame. In addition to its wide selection of the most common types of produce, Delicious Orchards has plenty of unique items I haven’t seen anywhere else. If someone can tell me where else in New Jersey you can find pomelos, black turnips, and patty pan squash year round, please let me know. Not that I actually buy these things, I’m just trying to prove a point.

I hope you can now see why this humble little farm store represents the best of New Jersey. Though many people like to joke about how the Garden State is such an inappropriate nickname for New Jersey, one visit to Delicious Orchards will clear any doubts about the worthiness of that moniker. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go finish this bag of sugar cookies…

Compare this to the ingredient list of a box of Oreos and tell me which sounds better.

Comments: 2 Comments

Fwd: Rules for New Jersey Drivers

Posted November 27, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Driving in New Jersey
Tags: , , , , ,

On several occasions over the years, I’ve received this e-mail laying out the rules for driving in New Jersey.  Though some of it is true, many points on the list are just your typical Jersey bravado.  Sure, us residents of the Armpit of America are indeed known for our aggressive natures, but this list exploits that a little too much.  All that being said, I’d like to present the contents of this continuously forwarded list, along with my response to each item.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is New-erk
not New-ark.

I have no clue why this is the first rule.  There are many other places in New Jersey to drive to or from aside from Newark.  On top of that, anyone in New Jersey knows how to pronounce Newark.  I’m sure most of the country knows as well.  The only people who might get confused are those unfortunate souls who call Delaware their home.  In case you don’t know, Delaware has a city called Newark, which they pronounce like “new-ark.”  So, this rule only applies to Delawareans.  Why the author of this list decided to cater to people in that backwater state is beyond me.  Delaware sucks.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

This rule plays up the legendary New Jersey traffic jams.  Sure it’s an exaggeration, but who in the Armpit of America hasn’t felt that our state’s rush hour lasts 24 hours a day?

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it’s 105 or 110. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”

Yes, people in New Jersey go faster than the speed limit.  85 mph is indeed a suitable speed for driving on the Turnpike, but 105 mph on the Garden State Parkway?  Even this sometimes-aggressive New Jersey driver doesn’t agree with that.  The parkway has way too many curves to drive that fast on.

On a more serious note, who the hell says “wussy” anymore?  I haven’t used that word since 6th grade.  The only people who still use the term “wussy” are middle-aged mothers trying to sound cool.  Change the “w” to a “p,” and then it would be more accurate.

An elusive open road in New Jersey

An elusive open road in New Jersey

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its
own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest
tires go second. However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking
moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

This rule is pretty accurate for the most part.  The only thing I’d suggest is mentioning something about how those assholes with loud mufflers and big tires usually don’t even stop at a stop sign.  But the part about SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms?  So untrue.  This statement, combined with the use of the word “wussy” above just proves that some bored middle-aged woman who thinks she’s cool/tough wrote this list.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

Again, this is mostly true.  I’m often amazed when I go through a yellow light and at least two more cars behind me will go through the light as well.  By the way, who says “cussed out”?  The only time I ever heard the word “cuss” instead of “curse” in New Jersey was when a Texas transplant said it.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that
can get you shot.

I’m calling bullshit on this one.  While us New Jerseyans are prone to road rage, you don’t get shot for honking at somebody.  It’s expected.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the
middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

Ha!  I couldn’t agree more.  Thanks to Obama’s stimulus package, road construction is even more prevalent.  And it does indeed seem like the construction crews just move around the barrels and cones just to piss us off.  If they were doing actual work, wouldn’t we see some kind of improvement on New Jersey’s roads?

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

Another good one that is surprisingly accurate.  My only complaint?  I’ve never seen any celebrity being a road hazard.  But then again, there was this one time I was driving in the middle of the night and a Jon Bon Jovi ran into the road.  Turns out it was just a possum, but you can understand my confusion.

9. Mapquest does not work here — none of the roads are where they
say  they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass
lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

All of the above is true.  Mapquest, Google Maps, and other direction services probably conspire with the people who make the road signs just to piss us off.

That's more like it!

That's more like it!

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally
activated.”

It’s true, New Jersey drivers are infamous for not using turn signals.  This is one of the things about driving in the Armpit of America that really pisses me off.  I try my hardest to put on my turn signal at the appropriate time, but, occasionally, my Jersey blood forces me to neglect doing so.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off”
accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

This first part is definitely accurate.  But again, the author exaggerates about getting shot.  New Jersey isn’t that dangerous as the media makes it out to be.  If someone gives you the finger, by all means, give it right back.  Unless you’re a “wussy” soccer mom, it’s pretty much expected.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time — just leave Monday
afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Uh, isn’t this the same as #2?  And whoever wrote this list neglected to consider that not everyone in New Jersey is of the Christian/Catholic persuasion.  And most of those who are don’t even go to church on Sundays.

13. If you are an elected official in NJ State you can drive without
wearing your seat belts

Tying in the problems with New Jersey’s road to it’s corrupt politicians is a great way to end the list.  Who can forget our soon-to-be-ex governor’s little incident on the Parkway?  While us ordinary citizens could get ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt, Jon Corzine got away with it.  But at least he lost the election.  Now let’s just wait until Chris Christie does something stupid.  I give him 60 days.

Comments: 2 Comments

I <3 My New Jersey License Plate Ashtray

Posted November 21, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Personal, Random
Tags: , , , ,

About a year and a half ago, I was on the boardwalk in Asbury Park and walked into a little shop selling various New Jersey paraphernalia. The shelves were full of baseball caps with the logo of the Stone Pony, glittery t-shirts stating “Jersey Girl,” and a whole bunch of different items with the Tillie face on them. In the middle of all these Jersey Shore beach shop standards was something different.

It was a piece of a New Jersey license plate that was made into an ashtray. It had a depressed, round center and grooves on the side for placing the cigarettes. I was in love at first sight.

Could there a better symbol to epitomize the trashiness of the Armpit of America than a beat up New Jersey license plate transformed into a receptacle for cigarette butts? I think not. The very act of smashing a lit cigarette into the heart of New Jersey’s iconic pale yellow plate is a metaphor for something I’m not quite sure of myself. And the image of a pile of ashes right next to the words “Garden State” is such an irony that even Alanis Morissette wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Despite the philosophical issues that a stupid New Jersey license plate ashtray provides, I didn’t buy it. For one, the price was a little too steep for my liking. Especially since, (reason #2) I don’t smoke. Thirdly, I was honestly too embarrassed to bring the item to the register. Even though the store was staffed by two emo freaks with those nasty plugs in their ear lobes, I would have felt like a misfit spending $40 on a discarded piece of metal banged up until it vaguely resembled an ashtray.

So I left that shop empty handed. And I have regretted the decision ever since. Fast-forward to a couple months ago. I found myself back in Asbury Park on a mission. I was going to buy the license plate ashtray. Running past hoards of the homosexual yuppie hipsters that have now taken over and enormously improved Asbury Park, I made my way to that beach shop. I was shocked with what I found. The whole shop was gone. Along with it, my dreams of putting out imaginary cigarettes on a New Jersey license plate.

But the dream didn’t die. I’m happy to announce that, as of today, I am the proud owner of a New Jersey license plate ashtray! The circumstances of how exactly it came into my possession are still somewhat unclear. I don’t know who made it, where exactly it came from, or what it cost. All I know is that someone wanted me to have it. And now I do. Here she is:

Is that not a thing of beauty? The golden yellow color is reminiscent of the sun setting over Newark Bay. It also makes one think of the teeth of a cashier at Wawa. Or the urine-soaked pants of a hobo on the streets of Jersey City. All in all, the essence of New Jersey.

So now that I have this thing, what in the world can I do with it? Taking up smoking is clearly an option. But I figure it would take days, maybe even weeks to get addicted. I need a more immediate use for my New Jersey license plate ashtray.

I could use it as a pen holder:

Or a coaster:

Or a change receptacle:

Or a bookmark:

Or a place to put my keys:

It could even be a candy dish:

So in the last picture, those are actually Tylenol PMs, since I don’t have any candy. But you get the idea.

What do you think I should do with my new New Jersey license plate ashtray???

 

Comments: 3 Comments

MTV’s “Jersey Shore”

Posted November 17, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Jersey Shore
Tags: , , , ,

After years and years of forgoing the music that made the network famous and showing lowbrow reality programs in its place, MTV has unsurprisingly decided to continue that trend. This time, they are offering us a new trashy reality show, “Jersey Shore.” Since it takes place in the Armpit of America, the show will certainly provide a new level of trashiness to a network that revels in it.

MTV is no stranger to the Jersey Shore, having filmed a couple “True Life” episodes and other specials in the area. But, this is the network’s first series that takes place solely in the Garden State (Unfortunately, MTV repeatedly ignored my letters suggesting they film a season of “The Real World: Ho-Ho-Kus”). So, once a week, the world will get to experience the fun and filth of the shore.

People all across the country will also see first hand the unique habits of the Jersey Shore Guido. For those lucky enough to be unacquainted, let me explain. Jersey Shore Guidos are these Italian-American roided-up jerks with spiky hair who migrate from Staten Island and Brooklyn down to the shore each summer. Their numbers quickly multiply, and they soon take over the area. They are often seen foraging around the dirtiest bars and clubs pumping their fists to stupid techno music and looking for mates. Though they will often hit on anything with a vagina (except in instances where they are caught in the middle of a “bromance”), they prefer the Guida – an Italian-American princess characterized by her overly tan skin, poofy hair, and implants. Both sexes of the species have dumb accents and bad attitudes.

I offered this sea gull $20 to crap on a Guido. His response? "Heeelllll no!! I aint going near those dirty mother fuckers!" True story.

Now that you know what a Jersey Shore Guido is, you can understand my concern about this show. MTV is now glorifying them and their lifestyle. Since MTV is somehow still relevant, innocent children will see these antics and emulate them – creating more Guidos than ever before. Even worse, MTV will likely influence the opinion of people throughout the country that everyone in my beloved/hated state talks with a New York accent and pumps their fists in the air. So the negative images and stereotypes of New Jersey will spread even further, making my job of changing people’s minds about the state even harder.

Despite all this, I can’t friggin wait for December 3rd, when the show premieres. Although it is likely to portray New Jersey and the shore in a negative light, I’m convinced it will still be pretty entertaining. In a train wreck sort of way, of course. And I look forward to seeing where the show will take place and the various locations the cast will go to – so I know which places to avoid. But what I really can’t wait to see is these smug idiots getting put in their place. In fact, I’m starting to think that MTV’s goal is to make these people look as ridiculous as possible. Watch the preview below and you’ll see what I mean:

Upon viewing this promo for the first time, I seriously thought it was a joke and not a real commercial. Especially since the narrator actually uses the word “Guidos.” Guido was originally a derogatory term and often deemed a racist insult against Italians. However, these clowns seem oblivious to this history and seem to take being called a Guido as a symbol of pride. Between the hair gel, fake tans, and fist pumping, MTV has completely set up these idiots, who have no idea that there will be plenty of people making fun of their hair gel, fake tans, and fist-pumping ways. And I’m pretty convinced the network had this planned all along. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe there’s more to MTV than previously thought?

I’m sure there are plenty of my fellow New Jerseyans who are upset about this show, but you shouldn’t be. For one, it will hopefully be clear that the fame-whores on “Jersey Shore” are New Yorkers and not natives of the state. Also, by all appearances, MTV will be portraying them, and not the shore itself, in a negative light. Finally, if the show makes the shore look really bad, it will only turn more people away in the summer, letting us real New Jersey residents enjoy our summers a lot more.

Comments: 11 Comments

Book Review: Looking for America on the New Jersey Turnpike

Posted November 11, 2009 by armpitnj
Categories: Reviews
Tags: , , , ,
turnpike

This book gets two armpits up!

Recently, I made a trip to my local Barnes and Noble. Like anyone crazy enough to start a blog about life in New Jersey should be, I was perusing the “local” section, which was full of books about the Armpit of America. Just out of curiosity, do all Barnes and Noble stores have a local section? I guess that means the local sections of stores in Oklahoma would only have two books, if that. Ha.

Back to the story. In between books about ghosts of New Jersey and dog parks in New Jersey and bird watching in New Jersey, there was one book that really stood out. And I mean it literally stood out. With bright yellow letters against a loud teal background, Looking for America on the New Jersey Turnpike was hard to miss. And with a name like that, inspired by the lyrics of the Simon and Garfunkel song “America,” I couldn’t pass it up.

The book was written by two Rutgers University professors: Angus Kress Gillespie and Michael Aaron Rockland. I actually had the former for a class back when I was in school. Anyway, the book talks about all aspects of the hellish highway. It starts with the Turnpike’s construction in 1950, at which point beautiful farmland and forests were cleared away and covered with asphalt and steel. The authors then walk us through stuff like the toll system, the accident rate, the rest stops, etc. And, of course, they touch on the corruption of the Turnpike’s management and its law enforcement. Basically, the book has all the information you could possible want to know about the Turnpike but never really cared enough to ask.

Since the book was written by two college professors, it can, appropriately enough, read like a text book at certain points. They definitely pack a lot of information into the 200 or so pages. Still, there are some really fascinating parts, like when they discuss the life of a toll collector. There are also plenty of random and interesting facts. For instance, did you know it is illegal to take pictures while you’re on the Turnpike? I also bet you didn’t know that this camera rule and all the other Turnpike policies are posted on small signs in front of each entrance ramp. And, yes, Gillespie and Rockland point out how ridiculous it is to have a sign loaded up with fine print that no one can actually read while driving by in their cars. Only in New Jersey.

The highlight of Looking for America on the New Jersey Turnpike, for me at least, is how the authors include references to the Turnpike from the pop culture realm. While the title is just one example, they cite no less than three Bruce Springsteen songs (which is to be expected from two Rutgers professors). The works of poet/dirty hippie Alan Ginsberg also make appearances, as do songs by people I’ve never heard of like Joseph Cosgriff and Dan Fogarty. Another part I love is when the authors describe how people, both in and outside New Jersey, view the Turnpike and the state itself. Indeed, it is clear from the book just how intertwined New Jersey and the New Jersey Turnpike really are.

Despite all the good things, I have to confess something. The book was published in 1989, making it 20 years old. Don’t let that scare you though. It is still a great, interesting read. If anything, it almost makes me want to learn more about the Turnpike. Like how many toll collectors’ jobs were cut once EZ Pass came into the picture? And how has the security of the road changed since September 11? Perhaps an updated version is in the works…

To sum it all up, Looking for America on the New Jersey Turnpike is essentially the bible of the Turnpike. Though it can be a little dry, and is somewhat outdated, the book is still entertaining and informative. Despite all the bad things that people say about the Turnpike, Gillespie and Rockland somehow manage to elicit some sympathy for the Armpit of America’s most hated road.

Comments: 4 Comments

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »