Posted tagged ‘boardwalk’

State vs. State: Pennsylvania

February 9, 2010

After proving beyond any doubt how New Jersey is so much better than Delaware, I have my sights set on the Armpit of America’s western neighbor. While comparing Delaware to New Jersey was obviously pretty easy, proving that my state is better than Pennsylvania may be a little trickier. But let’s give it a try.

When one hears the word “Pennsylvania,” there are a few images that come to mind: the green patchwork of farmland, the quaint little towns, and the beautiful mountains and valleys. Well, newsflash: New Jersey has all these things too. Big deal, right? Well New Jersey is like one quarter the size of Pennsylvania, so all of our farmland, quaint towns, and mountains are all within an hour or so drive of each other. Compare that with the over 5 hours it takes to drive from one end of Pennsylvania to the other.

Which brings me to the next point. Just look at the two states on a map. New Jersey is shaped like a voluptuous woman, drawing you in like a siren. On top of that, the girlish figure of our state is all natural, for the most part. Aside from the northeastern border with New York, New Jersey’s boundaries are all formed by water. And how is Pennsylvania shaped? Like a boring rectangle with a misplaced wedge on top. What other state has a stupid wedge on top?? Only Pennsylvania.

They obviously didn't have enough room for Pennsylvania's official slogan: "Virtue, Liberty, Independence, and Stupid Wedges"

The story behind that odd wedge is yet another reason to make fun of the state. Originally, that sliver of land belonged to New York. Since it stretched all the way to Ohio, poor Pennsylvania didn’t have access to Lake Erie. So the crybaby people of that state did what they still do best: whine until they get their way. So they finally got their connection to the Great Lakes, but at the cost of having a misshapen wedge at the top of the state. (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

December 14, 2009

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle. (more…)

I <3 My New Jersey License Plate Ashtray

November 21, 2009

About a year and a half ago, I was on the boardwalk in Asbury Park and walked into a little shop selling various New Jersey paraphernalia. The shelves were full of baseball caps with the logo of the Stone Pony, glittery t-shirts stating “Jersey Girl,” and a whole bunch of different items with the Tillie face on them. In the middle of all these Jersey Shore beach shop standards was something different.

It was a piece of a New Jersey license plate that was made into an ashtray. It had a depressed, round center and grooves on the side for placing the cigarettes. I was in love at first sight.

Could there a better symbol to epitomize the trashiness of the Armpit of America than a beat up New Jersey license plate transformed into a receptacle for cigarette butts? I think not. The very act of smashing a lit cigarette into the heart of New Jersey’s iconic pale yellow plate is a metaphor for something I’m not quite sure of myself. And the image of a pile of ashes right next to the words “Garden State” is such an irony that even Alanis Morissette wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Despite the philosophical issues that a stupid New Jersey license plate ashtray provides, I didn’t buy it. For one, the price was a little too steep for my liking. Especially since, (reason #2) I don’t smoke. Thirdly, I was honestly too embarrassed to bring the item to the register. Even though the store was staffed by two emo freaks with those nasty plugs in their ear lobes, I would have felt like a misfit spending $40 on a discarded piece of metal banged up until it vaguely resembled an ashtray.

So I left that shop empty handed. And I have regretted the decision ever since. Fast-forward to a couple months ago. I found myself back in Asbury Park on a mission. I was going to buy the license plate ashtray. Running past hoards of the homosexual yuppie hipsters that have now taken over and enormously improved Asbury Park, I made my way to that beach shop. I was shocked with what I found. The whole shop was gone. Along with it, my dreams of putting out imaginary cigarettes on a New Jersey license plate.

But the dream didn’t die. I’m happy to announce that, as of today, I am the proud owner of a New Jersey license plate ashtray! The circumstances of how exactly it came into my possession are still somewhat unclear. I don’t know who made it, where exactly it came from, or what it cost. All I know is that someone wanted me to have it. And now I do. Here she is:

Is that not a thing of beauty? The golden yellow color is reminiscent of the sun setting over Newark Bay. It also makes one think of the teeth of a cashier at Wawa. Or the urine-soaked pants of a hobo on the streets of Jersey City. All in all, the essence of New Jersey.

So now that I have this thing, what in the world can I do with it? Taking up smoking is clearly an option. But I figure it would take days, maybe even weeks to get addicted. I need a more immediate use for my New Jersey license plate ashtray.

I could use it as a pen holder:

Or a coaster:

Or a change receptacle:

Or a bookmark:

Or a place to put my keys:

It could even be a candy dish:

So in the last picture, those are actually Tylenol PMs, since I don’t have any candy. But you get the idea.

What do you think I should do with my new New Jersey license plate ashtray???


More Like Point Un-Pleasant…

June 13, 2009

There comes at least one point in everyone’s lives when you realize that something you loved as a kid truly is a piece of shit. This can happen with a TV show (such as when I recently saw an old episode of Ren and Stimpy) or perhaps a favorite candy (anyone remember Gushers?). Either way, it’s incredibly disappointing when you discover that something that you only have positive memories of never was that great to begin with. I had one of these ah-ha (or rather uh-oh) moments last night in Point Pleasant.

Point Pleasant is a shore town in Ocean County, known for its boardwalk, a surprisingly nice aquarium, and its two biggest bars, Martell’s Tiki Bar and Jenks. Both are found on long piers that stretch right up to ocean; but this is the only thing they have in common. Jenks, with its loud club music and all-around trashiness, attracts world-class Jersey skanks, which in turn attract the loud, greasy New Yorkers. Martell’s, on the other hand, offers a more fun and laid-back experience. Or at least it used to.

Although it’s easy to understand how our perspective of something can change as we go from youth to adulthood, it’s harder to accept when something goes downhill in the course of a year. Martell’s was always my favorite shore bar, and I have plenty of great memories hanging out at the end of the pier with friends as the moon rose over the maritime horizon. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. Anyway, I was expecting to have the usual good time there last night, but something was horribly wrong.

Upon entering, which was more difficult than it should have been (since the ID-checker, wristband-wrapper, and money-taker were all on top of each other), I noticed that the bar didn’t look right. It was definitely missing something…like people. The entire pier is usually packed end to end. As this was the first warm, rain-free Friday night in a long time, and because the unofficial summer season is well under way, the bar should have been mobbed.

Perhaps this lack of people could be attributed to the band that was performing last night. Now crappy cover bands are a staple of any bar on the Jersey Shore. However, there is a difference between a crappy cover band and a crappy cover band. A crappy cover band is what you expect to hear – although not great, they get the job done and keep people entertained. A crappy cover band, though, fails at this. The band from last night was definitely a crappy cover band. It was bad enough that they decided to play the annoying Poker Face. It was a worse decision to have their male singer perform it.

My next gripe about Martell’s has to do with the drinks. I ordered my standard Vodka Tonic and a Corona for the girlfriend. After handing the bartender a $20, I was given a five-dollar bill, two singles, and some change in return. If my math is correct, that means I paid over $12 for those two simple drinks. Now if my Vodka Tonic was made with Grey Goose or if the Corona came with some special kind of lime, I could understand the price. However, my drink was made with generic vodka, and, as far as I could tell, the lime in the Corona was just a regular one. Regardless, my drink was served in a really tiny glass. No standard-sized plastic cup or the like. This was a glorified shot glass. After ordering another one, I was told the price was $6.50. Now I could understand paying this much for a Vodka Tonic at a swanky bar in Manhattan. However, there is no reason for a grimy shore bar to charge twice as much money for half a drink.

After hanging out there for a couple hours, we left the bar to get some food on the boardwalk. We then tried to get back in to use the bathroom before leaving. However, the bouncer wouldn’t let us it and said, “It’s last call, no one gets in.” I pointed out how he had just let these two girls back in right in front of us. He then said its because they had to meet up with their friends. I replied, “So you let people back in to ‘meet up with their friends,’ but we can’t go in to use the bathroom?” The poor thing looked perplexed. A couple minutes passed before he finally responded with, “Yeah, thats right.” I then told him what a great job he was doing. He smiled and said thanks, without the slightest bit of sarcasm or cynicism, as if he thought I was really complimenting him.

The boardwalk at Point Pleasant, and specifically Martell’s Tiki Bar, have always been a fun place to hang out at. Yet, last night was a less-than-spectacular experience. An unorganized staff, a crappy cover band, pricey and unsatisfying drinks, and dumb bouncers all worked together to tarnish my image of this magical place. In the past, I would have recommended that anyone from another state go to Martell’s to see a more pleasant side of New Jersey. However, after last night, it really represents the Armpit of America.