Posted tagged ‘New Jersey’

State vs. State: Idaho

May 7, 2010

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these State vs. State entries. For this one, I’m comparing New Jersey to the great mediocre state of Idaho! Though I had originally intended to start out with those states closest to the Armpit of America, I realized that strategy would leave me with a whole bunch of big, blocky, boring states out west. To prevent this from happening, I figured I might as well get a head start.  So I decided to go with the most boring of all.

"Esto Perpetua" - Latin for "This state sucks!"

Let’s start by discussing Idaho’s most famous, if not only, export. The potato. Everyone seems to make a big deal about Idaho potatoes, but are they really that much better than potatoes grown anywhere else? I highly doubt it. Besides, who would even be able to tell anyway? I mean, no one eats a potato straight up. We fry them, mash them, cover them with butter, sour cream, cheese, and bacon. It doesn’t matter where a potato is grown; they just serve as a base for salt and grease.

New Jersey’s produce, on the other hand, is something special; we aren’t called the Garden State for nothing. Though people may mock the fact that such a disgusting state has a nickname like that, it is well deserved. New Jersey’s corn and tomatoes are legendary. And they can be eaten on their own, unlike those overrated and worthless Idaho potatoes. (more…)

Top 5 New Jersey Towns With Stupid Names

April 1, 2010

Because you can never have too many hyphens...or hos...

New Jersey is home to almost 9 million people, all of whom are crammed into the state’s many cities and towns.  These municipalities have a wide variety of names.  Some are named after historical figures.  A lot are named after places in Britain.  A few even get their names from the Armpit of America’s original Native American inhabitants.  Whatever the case may be, some of these town names are pretty damn stupid.

1) Ho-Ho-Kus – Not quite Hoboken, not quite Hocus Pocus, Ho-Ho-Kus is probably the weirdest name of any town in New Jersey, if not the entire country.  Though the experts aren’t sure whether the name is derived from Dutch or a Native American language, they are sure that it is a bastardization of a word from one of these languages.  The various theories say that the name originally meant “running water,” “oak trees,” or “gray fox.”  However, the most widely accepted definition of Ho-Ho-Kus is “stuck up rich people living in a town with a stupid name.”

2) West New York – This town is in a tie with Kansas City, Missouri for having the most confusing name.  Despite having the words “New” and “York” in the title, West New York is in New Jersey.  Sure, it’s right across the Hudson River from Manhattan, but still.  As much as its residents try to make people think that they don’t live in the Armpit of America, they can’t deny the geography.  On a side note, the one person I know from West New York is a total douche. (more…)

Chris Christie Is A Scumbag

March 27, 2010

Apparently one of the hippos from Camden’s Adventure Aquarium broke loose and is now running amok in the Armpit of America.  Oh wait, that’s just our governor, Chris Christie.  Though he has only been in office for about two months, he has already fucked things up.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious. (Photo by The Star Ledger)

Christie’s master plan to improve the budget involves cutting funding to all of New Jersey’s school districts.  Some districts are facing cuts of up to 64% of their budgets.  Who knows how many teachers, assistants, and secretaries will lose their jobs because of these cuts.  Faculty members of schools across the state (including this author’s mother) have already received layoff notices.  But it is the kids who will undoubtedly see a decrease in the quality of their education who are the real victims here. (more…)

In Case You Didn’t Know, NJ is Corrupt

March 14, 2010

In light of all the drama going on with the political landscape in New York, Newsweek recently put together a list of the most corrupt states in the country.  This should be no surprise to anyone, but New Jersey made this elite list of seven states.  Newsweek’s Andrew Romano, who hails from the Armpit of America, wrote a very nice summary of our state’s tendency to put only the most disgraceful politicians in office.

Romano discusses New Jersey’s first colonial governor, Lord Cornbury.  Aside from the funny name, Lord Cornbury was a nepotistic, bribe-taking cross-dresser.  Romano also mentions that gay sex scandal involving former governor Jim McGreevey.  The author then touches on the FBI bust that caught a group of rabbis and state officials trafficking human organs and fake Gucci purses.  Yes, you read that correctly.

I suggest reading the whole article to get an even broader sense of the level of corruption that has always plagued the Armpit of America.  Though the other states in the article (New York, Louisiana, Illinois, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and Ohio) may be corrupt, none can top my beloved New Jersey.

Winter in New Jersey Sucks!

February 4, 2010

What the hell is up with weather in New Jersey this winter?  Our state is going to be barraged by up to two feet of snow this weekend.  Yeah, I know some other states are gonna have it worse, but those states don’t matter.  Is Maryland even a state?  I forget sometimes.

Anyway, this will be the third snowstorm to hit the Armpit of America this season.  And it is the third snowstorm that will occur on a Saturday.  And this is the third weekend where the weather has ruined my plans.

I was all set to go to Atlantic City yet again.  If you’ve kept up with this blog, you’d know that I spend all the important holidays in AC, like Halloween, Christmas, and the Saturday After Martin Luther King Day.  Well, I was all set to celebrate the Weekend Before Valentine’s Day in Atlantic City, but now those plans have been canceled.  Thanks a lot, you worthless cumulus clouds!

According to that stupid groundhog out in Pennsylvania, we have six more weeks of winter.  One weekend of those six is already ruined.  Let’s hope the other five are okay.  If not, I say it’s groundhog hunting season out in our neighbor to the left.  Who’s with me?

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