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I <3 My New Jersey License Plate Ashtray

November 21, 2009

About a year and a half ago, I was on the boardwalk in Asbury Park and walked into a little shop selling various New Jersey paraphernalia. The shelves were full of baseball caps with the logo of the Stone Pony, glittery t-shirts stating “Jersey Girl,” and a whole bunch of different items with the Tillie face on them. In the middle of all these Jersey Shore beach shop standards was something different.

It was a piece of a New Jersey license plate that was made into an ashtray. It had a depressed, round center and grooves on the side for placing the cigarettes. I was in love at first sight.

Could there a better symbol to epitomize the trashiness of the Armpit of America than a beat up New Jersey license plate transformed into a receptacle for cigarette butts? I think not. The very act of smashing a lit cigarette into the heart of New Jersey’s iconic pale yellow plate is a metaphor for something I’m not quite sure of myself. And the image of a pile of ashes right next to the words “Garden State” is such an irony that even Alanis Morissette wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Despite the philosophical issues that a stupid New Jersey license plate ashtray provides, I didn’t buy it. For one, the price was a little too steep for my liking. Especially since, (reason #2) I don’t smoke. Thirdly, I was honestly too embarrassed to bring the item to the register. Even though the store was staffed by two emo freaks with those nasty plugs in their ear lobes, I would have felt like a misfit spending $40 on a discarded piece of metal banged up until it vaguely resembled an ashtray.

So I left that shop empty handed. And I have regretted the decision ever since. Fast-forward to a couple months ago. I found myself back in Asbury Park on a mission. I was going to buy the license plate ashtray. Running past hoards of the homosexual yuppie hipsters that have now taken over and enormously improved Asbury Park, I made my way to that beach shop. I was shocked with what I found. The whole shop was gone. Along with it, my dreams of putting out imaginary cigarettes on a New Jersey license plate.

But the dream didn’t die. I’m happy to announce that, as of today, I am the proud owner of a New Jersey license plate ashtray! The circumstances of how exactly it came into my possession are still somewhat unclear. I don’t know who made it, where exactly it came from, or what it cost. All I know is that someone wanted me to have it. And now I do. Here she is:

Is that not a thing of beauty? The golden yellow color is reminiscent of the sun setting over Newark Bay. It also makes one think of the teeth of a cashier at Wawa. Or the urine-soaked pants of a hobo on the streets of Jersey City. All in all, the essence of New Jersey.

So now that I have this thing, what in the world can I do with it? Taking up smoking is clearly an option. But I figure it would take days, maybe even weeks to get addicted. I need a more immediate use for my New Jersey license plate ashtray.

I could use it as a pen holder:

Or a coaster:

Or a change receptacle:

Or a bookmark:

Or a place to put my keys:

It could even be a candy dish:

So in the last picture, those are actually Tylenol PMs, since I don’t have any candy. But you get the idea.

What do you think I should do with my new New Jersey license plate ashtray???

 

Categories: Personal, Random
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Comments: 3 Comments

The Governor’s Race: A Post-Mortem

November 4, 2009

Last night, 49% of New Jersey voters decided to make Chris Christie governor of the Garden State. I can’t say I’m that surprised, and I’m honestly not that disappointed. Chris Daggett was too much of a long shot to have serious chance of winning. So Chris Christie would have been my second choice. Besides, anyone would be better than Jon Corzine.

Should Daggett have been elected, it certainly would have shaken things up. However, once the news of a third-party candidate winning the governorship of New Jersey would die down, Daggett would have been left with plenty of responsibilities on his plate. Who knows what he’d be like as governor. At least with Chris Christie, we can expect the same nonsense that we’ve come to expect from our politicians in New Jersey.

large_chris-christie

Governor-Elect Chris Christie proving he can count to three. Photo taken by David Gard for the Star Ledger.

I recently read an article (which I regretfully can’t find/give the author credit) comparing the state of New Jersey politics with fans of the Boston Red Sox. Red Sox fans were so used to their team losing that their hope for the team that never made the grade became the essence of their identity. But, when the Red Sox finally won the World Series in 2004 after a long drought, the fans didn’t have to hope anymore. They no longer had to be disappointed in their team. Once this happened, those Boston fans lost their identity – they could no longer be the sympathy-inducing underdog-loving fans they once were. Rather than hoping for the best but always knowing disappointment was right around the corner, they now expect their team to be on top all the time.

The same would be the case for New Jersey, should we actually have a good, honest politician in charge. The state is known the world over for its corrupt leaders. New Jersey is the butt of many jokes, and we even make fun of ourselves for the corruption running wild throughout our state. Yet, we continue to elect these jokers into office every chance we get. If New Jersey had scandal-free politicians, then we would certainly lose a part of our identity.

With the election of Chris Christie, New Jersey is guaranteed to keep its status as the Armpit of America for at least another four years. While it might not be good for the state, at least I’ll have plenty of things to blog about.

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My Endorsement for Governor

October 27, 2009

As promised a couple entries ago, I will now be making my much anticipated endorsement for the 2009 New Jersey Gubernatorial race.

I have carefully considered each of the three major candidates, Democrat and current governor Jon Corzine, Republican Chris Christie, and Independent Chris Daggett, but only one of them will be getting my vote next Tuesday.

And that person is Chris Daggett.

Though he might not be the best candidate, he seems a lot better than the other two choices. Daggett ran an honorable campaign, rising above the mudslinging politics of his rivals. He outperformed Christie and Corzine at each of the debates, giving off a straight-talking calmness when compared with those two clowns.

Daggett also lacks the political corruptness that is so often associated with New Jersey government and represented by the other two choices. While there’s no way to prove that Daggett won’t be corrupt as governor, at least this has yet to be proven. Christie and Corzine, on the other hand, have already removed all doubt about their morals and ethics.

On November 3, 2009, I will be voting for the one candidate who might actually make the Armpit of America slightly better.

Chris Daggett will be getting my vote for Governor of New Jersey. I hope he gets yours too.

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Even Australian Guys in Germany Hate New Jersey

October 26, 2009

A few months ago, I traveled across the Atlantic to Germany for one sole purpose: to find out what Europeans think about New Jersey.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the only reason, but it was reason enough.

Anyway, upon arriving in Munich, we signed up for a beer and food tour of the city. We then met Luke, our thankfully English-speaking tour guide. Luke is an Australian transplant with the envious job of meeting people from all over the world and drinking German beer with them.

Once the tour group was assembled, Luke asked everyone where they were from. After the woman and I said we were from New Jersey, Luke immediately scoffed, as if New Jersey is an Australian curse or something. What’s funny, though, is that this was the only place that he had a reaction to. Yes, only New Jersey got Luke’s disapproval. Meanwhile, this koala-humping punk had no problems with Ohio (just like New Jersey, only more boring), Los Angeles (has anything good ever come from LA?), New Zealand (famous only for being Middle Earth’s stunt double), and Canada (it thinks it’s a real country…how cute!).

beers

The wombat-wanker's lucky I didn't throw this beer in his face.

At some point during the evening, Luke asked what I do. I told him I was unemployed at the moment, but I just started a blog about New Jersey. He again scoffed, as only those Australians can scoff, and said he hates New Jersey. I asked why, and he told me that he only hears bad things about it. He also added that he was actually in New Jersey once, driving from New York to Philadelphia. After remarking on how dreadful the Turnpike is, which I certainly agreed with, he said how he made sure the doors were locked in case the mafia tried to break in.

I then told him that I had yet to encounter any mobsters in New Jersey. I also explained how the point of my blog is to paint a better picture of the state and disprove some of the negative stereotypes. Luke seemed genuinely interested and convinced that there was more to the Armpit of America than the Turnpike and mobsters.

Later on, at the Hofbrauhaus, our group was discussing public urination for some odd reason. But after drinking a few liters, could you blame us? Some of the guys in the group were saying how they’ve peed in alley ways and such. I also admitted to having peed where I shouldn’t have and told everyone how I have a friend who was fined a lot of money for public urination. To which Luke so wittily replied, “And you’re trying to convince people that New Jersey isn’t that bad?”

Touche, kangaroo-fucker. Touche.

So what I learned on my trip to Europe is that even Australian guys in Germany hate New Jersey. Someone who has lived on two different continents, neither of which is North America, still knew about all the stereotypes and bad impressions that everyone seems to have about the state.

I also learned that I don’t like girls from Ohio, especially those who complain about having to drink beer on a beer tour. And that Canadians are goofy. Totally adorable, but goofy.

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The Race To Be Governor of NJ

October 20, 2009

Two weeks from today, residents of New Jersey will head to the polls to vote for governor. Will we end up reelecting our current governor, Democrat Jon Corzine, or will we choose Republican Chris Christie or Independent Chris Daggett?

Though none of these choices are ideal, one of these three stooges will be the eventual winner. I haven’t exactly decided who I will be voting for, but I do have a good inkling. I’ll probably share my decision at some point before election day.

For those of you lucky enough to live outside the Armpit of America, or those of you who do but don’t know anything about the upcoming gubernatorial election, here is a profile of each candidate:

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Chris Christie – Earlier in the race, this redundantly named candidate was considered a shoe-in. The incumbent governor had dismal approval ratings, so any other option could have easily won. However, his reluctance to provide any details about what he would do for our miserable state, combined with the unexpectedly strong Daggett campaign, has hurt his chances of winning. Though the former federal prosecutor brags about fighting corruption and putting wrong-doing politicians in jail, Christie seems to have been involved in his fair share of shady politics.

Pros:

Chris Christie is not Jon Corzine.

Chris Christie likes is obsessed with Bruce Springsteen.

Cons:

Chris Christie hasn’t mentioned exactly what he’s going to do for New Jersey.

Chris Christie is a scum bag.

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Jon Corzine – In many ways, the current governor represents what is wrong with New Jersey politics. He seems to go by the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do style of leadership, as evident by this whole thing. I also don’t like his negative campaign strategy of making fun of Christie’s weight. How would he like it if people made fun of him for being bald? Also, Corzine himself can be considered fat…a Wall Street fat cat to be exact. His expertise in finance was supposed to let him better handle our state’s tax and financial issues, of which there are many. But has he done anything in the last four years? No. So it’s hard to imagine he would get anything done in the next four years.

Pros:

Jon Corzine is not Chris Christie.

Jon Corzine keeps his scalp really shiny.

Cons:

Jon Corzine is a sleaze ball.

Uh, look at the last four years.

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Photo courtesy The Star Ledger

Chris Daggett – Though usually third-party candidates don’t get much attention, this one sure has. Christie’s lack of specifics, Corzine’s general sketchiness, and the mud-slinging politics of both major parties have allowed Daggett to sneak in and gain some traction. While he does have a couple interesting ideas, some are a little far-fetched. For instance, he plans to cut New Jersey’s high property taxes by raising the taxes on EVERYTHING else. Also, he’s been mainly out of politics for the last twenty years, after briefly working for the Department of Environmental Protection under the first Bush. Daggett truly is a dark horse in this race – we have no idea what he will be like with free reign over the state. At the same time, being independent may prevent the state legislature from working cooperatively. Though his election would certainly change things up, we don’t know if this change would be good or bad. With Corzine or Christie, we could expect no change at all, but at least we would know what’s coming.

Pros:

Chris Daggett is not Jon Corzine or Chris Christie.

Chriss Daggett has a cool last name.

Cons:

Chris Daggett is not Jon Corzine or Chris Christie.

Who the hell is Chris Daggett?

Well, these are our three wonderful options for governor. Something tells me that no matter who wins, the Armpit of America will remain the same – stinky.

So, who are you voting for?

Categories: Random
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