The Weekend Before Presidents Day Weekend in Atlantic City

Posted April 8, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Atlantic City
Tags: , , , , , ,

Wordpress won't let me put up any pictures of the event. Perhaps that's for the best....

It’s been far too long since I’ve written about one of my escapades in Atlantic City.  Well that drought is gonna end right now.

My latest trip was over a month and a half ago, but I have good reason for not writing about it until now.  You see, that last visit was for a bachelor party.  Now that the couple is happily married and have returned from their honeymoon, I figure this entry will do the least amount of damage to their marriage.

That fateful night began the same way any trip to AC does: taking the long ride down the Garden State Parkway to the Armpit of America’s city of sin.  This time, I was going to the Tropicana, Atlantic City’s Cuban-themed hotel and casino.  Its interior is made up of cobblestone flooring, an artificial blue sky ceiling, and a bunch of high-end, expensive clothing stores – just like the real Havana!

After arriving, I met up with the rest of the group.  Being the most familiar with AC, they asked where I thought we should eat.  This being a bachelor party and all, I suggested Hooters, which seemed to please everyone.  Admittedly, I had never been to a Hooters before, so I was pretty excited about going.

It turned out to be such a let down.  I was always under the impression that the waitresses were supposed to be all flirty and everything.  Ours turned out to be a dud.  Looks-wise, I’d say she was slightly above average.  Personality-wise?  Total failure.  As for the food, that was just as disappointing.  But the beer was good. Read the rest of this post »

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Top 5 New Jersey Towns With Stupid Names

Posted April 1, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Top 5
Tags: , , ,

Because you can never have too many hyphens...or hos...

New Jersey is home to almost 9 million people, all of whom are crammed into the state’s many cities and towns.  These municipalities have a wide variety of names.  Some are named after historical figures.  A lot are named after places in Britain.  A few even get their names from the Armpit of America’s original Native American inhabitants.  Whatever the case may be, some of these town names are pretty damn stupid.

1) Ho-Ho-Kus – Not quite Hoboken, not quite Hocus Pocus, Ho-Ho-Kus is probably the weirdest name of any town in New Jersey, if not the entire country.  Though the experts aren’t sure whether the name is derived from Dutch or a Native American language, they are sure that it is a bastardization of a word from one of these languages.  The various theories say that the name originally meant “running water,” “oak trees,” or “gray fox.”  However, the most widely accepted definition of Ho-Ho-Kus is “stuck up rich people living in a town with a stupid name.”

2) West New York – This town is in a tie with Kansas City, Missouri for having the most confusing name.  Despite having the words “New” and “York” in the title, West New York is in New Jersey.  Sure, it’s right across the Hudson River from Manhattan, but still.  As much as its residents try to make people think that they don’t live in the Armpit of America, they can’t deny the geography.  On a side note, the one person I know from West New York is a total douche. Read the rest of this post »

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Chris Christie Is A Scumbag

Posted March 27, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: politics
Tags: , , ,

Apparently one of the hippos from Camden’s Adventure Aquarium broke loose and is now running amok in the Armpit of America.  Oh wait, that’s just our governor, Chris Christie.  Though he has only been in office for about two months, he has already fucked things up.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious.

Chris Christie in a suit that would make David Byrne envious. (Photo by The Star Ledger)

Christie’s master plan to improve the budget involves cutting funding to all of New Jersey’s school districts.  Some districts are facing cuts of up to 64% of their budgets.  Who knows how many teachers, assistants, and secretaries will lose their jobs because of these cuts.  Faculty members of schools across the state (including this author’s mother) have already received layoff notices.  But it is the kids who will undoubtedly see a decrease in the quality of their education who are the real victims here. Read the rest of this post »

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I Ate A Jersey Burger!

Posted March 21, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Food, New Brunswick
Tags: , , ,

Mmmm......New Jersey....

This should come as no surprise to any reader of this blog, but I’m a little obsessed with New Jersey. So, when I saw something called a “Jersey Burger” on a menu last night, I had to get it.

The item was on the menu at the legendary Stuff Yer Face in New Brunswick. I call it legendary because, aside from being a staple of that city’s nightlife, celebrity chef Mario Batali actually got his start in the restaurant business at this place.

Stuff Yer Face is most famous for its wide selection of “bolis,” their version of the stromboli. They have at least 50 different varieties, all filled with some combination of meats, cheeses, and vegetables. You could also create your own, with over a billion permutations. Although I was originally going to pick a boli to eat, I turned the page to the less frequented sandwich page of the menu. Imagine by surprise when I saw the Jersey Burger there.

I’ve never seen or heard of a Jersey burger before, so I assume it’s a unique creation of Stuff Yer Face. Just as a California burger contains avocado and a Mexican burger has jalapeños, a Jersey burger is topped with used condoms and hairspray. Just kidding.

The Jersey burger includes a couple slices of pork roll and mozzarella. For whatever reason, pork roll (also known as Taylor ham or poor man’s sausage) is perhaps New Jersey’s most famous contribution to the culinary world. Though usually eaten in the Armpit of America as one-third of a pork roll, egg, and cheese sandwich, it is a welcome addition to a hamburger. As for why mozzarella was put on the Jersey burger, my only guess is that it pays tribute to the too many Italians in the state.

So now that I’ve described what the hell a Jersey burger is, let me tell you what it tastes like. It tasted like a hamburger with pork roll and mozzarella. It wasn’t the best burger I ever had, but it got the job done. The name definitely made it taste better. So, if you ever get the urge to take a bite out of New Jersey, go to Stuff Yer Face and order the Jersey burger. God knows, the state chews all of us up, so why not return the favor?

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The Soon-To-Be-Former New Jersey Nets

Posted March 17, 2010 by armpitnj
Categories: Random
Tags: , , , ,

So you call yourselves The Nets but have Saturn on your logo?

For those who haven’t heard, or heard but don’t care, New Jersey’s basketball team, The Nets, is moving to Brooklyn. Admittedly, I’m not much of a basketball fan. Hell, I’ll make a full confession – I’m not really a fan of any sport. But even I couldn’t ignore this event.

The Armpit of America doesn’t contribute much to the world of professional sports. Once the soon-to-be-former New Jersey Nets leave, we’ll only have The Devils to carry the banner of our sad state. While the Devils may have a better record than the Nets, I’m sure there are even fewer people following the NHL than the dismal number who watch the NBA. But I digress.

While some people may be sad, I think the majority of New Jerseyans don’t give a shit. Many, such as myself, probably forgot that we even have a professional basketball team. I think that’s mainly because our team has such a stupid name. Think about it: “The Nets.” They’re named after a piece of equipment used to play basketball. Could they be any less creative? You don’t see any football teams named “The Goalposts” do you?

Granted, the aforementioned Devils got the best name for a Jersey sports team, named after our local legend. But there are plenty of other Jersey-centric things to name a team after. Like The New Jersey Overweight Governors…or The New Jersey Guidos…or The New Jersey Turnpikes… I guarantee if our basketball team had any of these names, they would have a much larger following and wouldn’t be in such a rush to leave the state.

I kind of feel bad for the Nets though. They obviously don’t get the attention and love that most other sports teams get from their home states. In fact, people in New Jersey are more passionate about the teams of New York and Philadelphia than our own.

But the move does make some sense. Millions of people grow up feeling unloved, worthless, and neglected in this indifferent state. So what do they do? They move out and hope to hit it big somewhere else. Maybe that’s just what the Nets are doing. Since the New York Knicks are more popular in Jersey than the Nets ever were, moving to that state might just do them some good. And, once they become the Brooklyn Nets, the team will probably have more Jersey fans than they did when they were playing at the Meadowlands.

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