Posted tagged ‘guidas’

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 8

January 21, 2010

I know I’m kinda late with this “Jersey Shore” review, but the new and final episode hasn’t aired yet, so I’m still good!

This episode begins with a recap of J-WOW’s much anticipated (and deserved) assault against Mike. Still in shock that someone had the gall to hit him, he does what he does best: talk shit about her. He says that he didn’t know if he should hit back, since he’s not sure if J-WOWW is a man or a woman. That’s funny; she was probably thinking the same thing about him.

J-WOWW tells Snooki that she’s thinking about leaving the house. That’s when Snooki begs her to stay and tells her, “If you leave, I’m gonna stuff your nose with tampons.” Haha. Anyone besides me getting turned on by that mental image? Didn’t think so. Meanwhile, Mike is still in a hissy fit about getting beat up by a girl. He just bitches about how he’s done with J-WOWW and then explains that she’s not the only person he’s annoyed with. You see, ever since Vinny realized what a pathetic loser Mike is, he’s been talking shit to him every chance he gets. And poor, innocent, violated Mike can’t handle that. As he puts it, he’s tired of seeing Vinny’s “smug little punk bitch look.”

Speaking of smug little punk bitches...

That night, Vinny and Pauly are hanging out on the boardwalk with these three chicks. Who shows up to ruin the fun? Danielle, that Israeli girl that Pauly met in the last episode. He tells her that he’ll give her a call and then gets rid of her. She then continues to stalk him the rest of the night, and I can’t decide whether its more funny or creepy. Actually, the way she appears out of nowhere and just stares Pauly down is definitely more creepy. Especially since at one point, she gives him a custom-made t-shirt that says, “I ❤ JEWISH GIRLS.” Anyway, the guys return to the house and the phone rings. Fearing that it’s Danielle, Pauly tells Vinny to answer the phone and pretend its Mike. We then see Vinny do a hilarious and spot-on impression of Mike. I strongly suggest that everyone go and watch it.  Just fast forward to 12 minutes 35 seconds and prepare to laugh. (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 7

January 16, 2010

So there were actually two episodes last night. But since it takes me approximately 14 hours to write each review, you’re only getting one for now. Come back soon for Episode 8!

The first very special episode of “Jersey Shore” picks up where the last one ended – Ronnie and Sammi having one of their boring fights.

She is still upset that he pushed her. Uh, grow up! It was just a little tap, and he only did it because your mouth was getting him into a fight. But all the crap going on with Ronnie isn’t enough for Sammi. She then talks to Mike and Pauly about Snooki’s comment that everyone is pissed at the couple for not hanging out. And then it explodes into this whole thing with Sammi screaming at Snookie.

I actually feel bad for Snooki Snook here. Understanding that they only had a limited amount of time together, she just wants every to hang out. Instead, everyone’s picking on HER for starting shit. Although she isn’t present during all of this, Snooki says that J-WOWW feels the same way. And how does Sammi respond to this? Snooki and J-WOWW are clearly jealous of her and Ronnie. Sammi then tells us how she can’t trust anyone anymore. Just because Snooki and J-WOWW wanted to hang out with her a little more. Make sense?

"Oh yeah?  Well you're just jealous of my semi-abusive relationship with a roid head!"

"Oh yeah? Well you're just jealous that I'm in a semi-abusive relationship with a somewhat unstable roid head!"

Later that night, the group is at some club, where Snooki meets her latest crush. He’s a pale, Irish farmer, even though she usually goes for guidos. But they hit it off and go home together. Meanwhile, Mike is grinding with some girl, who he says can “drop it like it’s hot.” Wow, I haven’t heard that since 2005, which is probably the last time anyone thought Mike was cool. (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 6

January 9, 2010

On this week’s episode, Snooki gets punched in the face again, Mike continues to be a loser, and we see an instance of domestic violence. This episode pretty much had everything we’ve come to expect from our favorite Italian Americans. The only thing missing was J-WOWW. The editors decided to make us sit through more of the stupid drama between Sammi and Ronnie, instead of focusing on J-WOWW and the silicon twins.

So let’s jump right in. The episode begins with Mike, Pauly, and Ronnie getting ready to go out for some GTL – Gym, Tanning, and Laundry. Mike then explains that you have to go to the gym so you look good, go tanning so you stay fresh, and get your laundry done so you look nice when you go out. This must be the fiftieth time that someone on this show has equated going tanning with being fresh. Can someone explain how cooking your skin until it turns brown and wrinkly makes you fresh? Kthx.

"Please remember to use fabric softener this time! Oh, and they're called delicates for a reason - low cycle, please!"

Later on, Vinny goes to work and is expecting to get fired and evicted for hooking up with his boss’s girlfriend. It turns out that Danny doesn’t care and the two guys then joke about getting herpes or something. Speaking of herpes, Vinny is then talking on the phone with Mike’s sister and tries to convince her to hang out with everyone at Headliner.

Mike tells us that he doesn’t mind if Vinny hooks up with his sister, since Vinny knows that he is the man of the house. Uh. What kind of man of the house waxes his eyebrows, goes tanning, and makes daily trips to the laundromat? Someone so delusional he thinks “The Situation” is a cool nickname, that’s who! (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 5

January 3, 2010

This episode begins with the aftermath of the infamous punch. Once it happens, a bunch of guys (and even J-WOWW) start punching the douche who hit Snooki. It is important to note that Mike, who witnessed the whole thing, had no part in the lynching of that asshole. Girlfriend probably didn’t want to break a nail. Anyway, the cops soon arrive and arrest the douche, as he says, “I didn’t do anything!”

We then take a trip into the bathroom, where Sammi and J-WOWW are trying to comfort Snooki. Vinny, who has been missing since the first episode, reappears on the show…in the girls’ bathroom. Being the sensitive guy, he joins the ladies in stroking Snooki’s hair and telling her she’ll be okay. Snooki is just concerned about whether she lost any teeth or not. A part of me wishes she did, just so her jack-o-lantern look would be complete.

Meanwhile, Ronnie and Pauly are outside blowing off steam and trying to make sense of the night’s events. And what is Mike up to? As everyone is concerned about Snooki, he’s desperately trying to pick up a girl. What a pathetic situation.

The rest of the group explains how Mike pretty much instigated the whole thing. You see, for some reason, he was buying the douche and his friends some shots. (Maybe he was tired of getting rejected by all the girls and thought he’d try something different?) So Snooki was just telling the douche to buy his own drinks, and that’s why he hit her.

The next day, Ronnie’s family comes to visit. His father and brother seem pretty normal, but his mother is a typical bitchy Italian princess. She just sits there with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and says that she’d rather be tanning. Snooki tells us that his family is “funny and cute – just like Ronnie!” Right. Anyway, Ronnie introduces his family to Sammi, and they all go on the boardwalk together. We see more of the blossoming relationship between the two, which continues to bore me to death.

I'd be a little cranky too if that thing came out of my vagina...

Later on, Snooki and J-WOWW go out for drinks, except Snooki can’t actually drink, thanks to her busted up face. Back at the house, she gets a call from the police, saying that the douche who hit her was released on bail. She starts freaking out, so J-WOWW comforts her the only way she knows how. She asks Snooki, “Wanna go tanning?” (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 4

December 19, 2009

On this very special episode of “Jersey Shore,” Snooki gets punched in the face. But, before that, 57 minutes of boring stuff happens!

We continue where last week’s episode ended – Ronnie leaves the club after seeing Sammi give another guy her number. And then Sammi leaves because someone told her Ronnie went home with J-WOWW. So Ronnie goes into the house and does what any recently humiliated and pissed off roid-head would do: he takes off his shirt and then cries into a pillow.

When Sammi gets home, she and Ronnie start screaming at each other. This is interspersed with Sammi’s confessional, where she says they are simply going through the normal stages of a relationship – it starts off nice and everything, then they get too comfortable, and then things get rough. Umm…they’ve only know each other for like 5 days now? Anyway, the two of them talk and cry and talk and cry and bore me to death.

" go tanning without me, you leave the cap off my lip gloss..."

I’d never think I’d be happy to hear from Mike, but the situation (the events surrounding Sammi and Ronnie, not Mike himself) is so dull right now (well, he‘s pretty dull too). I can always count on him to say something entertaining. He doesn’t disappoint as he brags about all the girls he brings home, even though he has yet to actually get with any of them. Just so we’re clear, all the girls that he does convince to go back to the house are more attracted to the cameras following him around than his abs.

We then see Mike and Pauly in the hot tub with two random girls. They soon take the girls to their bedroom, where they pair up and start making out right next to each other. As Pauly so eloquently tells us, he can’t have sex with his girl because she’s on her period. Then, Mike’s girl ditches him because she doesn’t want her mother to see her being a slut. His response? “Chill out, Freckles McGhee!” Such brilliant wit, that guy has! (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Review: Episode 3

December 14, 2009

On this most recent episode of what will be seen for generations to come as the best show ever, we see TWO relationships break up, we lose a roommate (don’t worry – it’s a person no one cared about anyway), and Mike continues to be a pathetic jerk!

This episode begins the next morning after that fateful night at Bamboo, where Sammi hooked up with Ronnie, J-WOWW cock-teased Pauly, and the guys got thrown out. So J-WOWW asks what happened last night, and they tell her she made out with Pauly. Pulling the typical slut move, she denies everything at first. When the guys make clear to her that she did, she employs the other tried-but-not-true slutty tactic – blaming everything on alcohol.

Meanwhile, the most overly tanned and STD-infected love triangle in history (Sammi, Mike, and Ronnie) heads to work. Mike then tells us how The Situation is under control because he has soooo many other girls to choose from. Sammi’s more accurate take? Mike is still very jealous of her and Ronnie. In yet another awesome move, Sammi tells Mike to his face that she doesn’t like him like that. You can see the exact point where these words hit him. Sammi then asks Ronnie what she would do without him. His reply? “Be with that guy,” as he points to Mike. Hahahahha.

"The Situtation isn't used to this kind of situation where The Situation gets rejected."

A little later, we see Ronnie asking J-WOWW for relationship advice. Yeah, when I need advice about anything, the first person I look to for help is someone with huge implants who doesn’t know how to spell wow. But they just make fun of Mike, so it’s ok. Then, in a desperate cry for attention, Snooki walks around the house sucking on a pickle. (more…)

MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Episode 1 & 2

December 5, 2009

This past Thursday night, MTV’s “Jersey Shore” premiered with two hour-long episodes, and, though I hate to admit it, the show far surpassed my expectations.  It perfectly captured the essence of the guido lifestyle at the Jersey Shore.  At the same time, it introduced the Armpit of America, and the rest of the country, to the eight dumbest people to ever reside in our state.  It is now my pleasure to introduce these guidos and guidas (or guidettes, as they call themselves on the show) to anyone unfortunate enough to have missed the premiere:

First up, Pauly.  I supposed I should introduce him by his full name, DJ Pauly D, which is a lot cooler than plain old Pauly.  He owns a tanning bed and gets hair gel by the case.   He apparently dreams of being the ultimate guido.  His other aspiration is to be a world-famous DJ.  Well, with a name like DJ Pauly D, I can’t imagine a job he’d be better suited for.

Pauly: Age 29, Staten Island, NY

DJ Pauly D

Age: 29

From: Johnston, Rhode Island

We then meet Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snooki” for reasons that have yet to be explained.  Snooki’s only goal in life is to find and marry a guido.  With her tall black hair and artificially tan skin, she looks more like a jack-o-lantern with an Elvira wig than an actual person.

Nicole (Snooki)

Age: 21

From: Marlboro, New York

The next wannabe celebrity we meet is Mike, also known as “The Situation.”  Now, it’s bad enough to have a stupid nickname (like DJ Pauly D or Snooki).  What’s even worse is when people refer to themselves in third person.  Now imagine someone with an incredibly dumb nickname who refers to his nickname in third person.  That is Mike.  Mike is a douche.

Mike (The Situation)

Age: 27 (Don’t let the receding hairline and premature wrinkles fool you into thinking he’s older)

From: Staten Island, New York

Sammi, who goes by “Sweetheart” (what, did MTV tell them each to come up with a dumb nickname for themselves?) has a lot in common with Snooki.  Just like the Elvira-lantern, Sammi is looking for the perfect guido.  She also describes what it means to be a guidette, like taking care of yourself by going tanning.  Uh, Sweetheart?  Training your body to develop skin cancer is taking care of yourself?

Sammi (Sweetheart)

Age: 22

From: Hazlet, New Jersey

Next up at the plate is Vinny, who describes himself as a mama’s boy.  One minute in his introduction video, he’s pumping his fist, the next minute, he claims he’s not the typical guido.  Right.  Although he does go out of his way to mention that he doesn’t wear lip gloss.  I didn’t even know guys did this.


Age: 21

From: Staten Island, New York

After Vinny, we are introduced to a nice pair of breast implants and their owner, Jenni.  Continuing the dumb nickname theme, Jenni prefers to be called “J-WOWW.”  Yes, J-WOWW.  All capitals and the extra “W.”  J-WOWW brags about being a slut and compares herself to a female mantis in the way she treats guys.  Then she says how she has a boyfriend.  Oh, J-WOWW, you’re too much!

Jenni (J-WOWW)

Age: 23

From: Franklin Square, New York

Then, we meet Ronnie, who shamelessly mentions how he just wants to get laid.  Although he brags about what a man he is, this roided up freak then puts on some lip gloss.  Wow (or should I say “J-WOWW””?), what a loser.  Anyway, he says the Jersey Shore is all about the three “b’s”: beer, bitches, and the beach.  Can’t argue about that.


Age: 23

From: The Bronx, New York

Finally, we meet the eighth roommate, Angelina, who’s nickname is ingeniously “Jolie.”  Angelina considers herself to be the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore.  While that may sound ridiculous, it is actually the smartest thing I’ve heard in these introductions.  Angelina and Kim Kardashian are both talentless losers trying to sleep their way to the top of the entertainment industry!

Angelina (Jolie)

Age: 22

From: Staten Island, New York

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s jump right into the first two episodes. (more…)